The Pin Is Mightier than the Sword
by DeleaMarie
Summary: A collection of All-Humor/All-the-Time one-shots, two-shots, red-shots, and blue-shots featuring wit, wordplay, silliness, a vengeful beaver, bald Uther, What-ifs, frying pans, parodies of fanfiction clichés, and much, much more... 59. Arthur's got some new clothes...
1. The Pin Is Mightier than the Sword

Hey there, Merlin fans (Do we have a special name? Merlinians? Merlinites? The Merlin-Maddened Minds?). I actually wrote this slightly-longer-than-a-drabble piece about a week ago, but I didn't have time to post it before leaving on a trip to a place that doesn't have internet (GASP!). Yes, I know, it was a wonder I survived! But I did, and in good-enough health to post this straightaway! That being said, I hope you enjoy it and maybe even identify with it a bit!

**Description:** Arthur finds out about Merlin's magic, and the warlock must convince him of its potential for good.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, I'd be writing scripts, not fics.

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><p><strong>The Pin Is Mightier than the Sword<strong>

"Magic is like… Like a…" Merlin paused, his mind racing frantically to think of something to compare magic to, something that would convince Arthur of its potential for good. "Like a sewing needle!" he finally blurted out.

"A _sewing_ needle," the prince repeated skeptically, his eyebrows raised so high even Gaius would be impressed.

"Yes," Merlin replied, warming up to the analogy. "Because… You know… In the wrong hands, a sewing needle could… Prick people and stuff… But in the hands of someone with a good heart, it could be used to close wounds or… Mend clothing!"

Arthur scowled at Merlin, completely nonplussed. "What on _earth_ does mending clothes have to do with _magic_?"

"Nothing!" the warlock answered quickly. "I was just using that as an example to show you that the needle, or, in this case, _magic_ is neither good nor evil. It is the person who _has_ the magic who decides how it will be used."

"Oh," Arthur said. "You mean… Kind of like a sword?"

Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yes, now that I think about it, that probably would have been a better example…"

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><p><strong>AN I don't know about you, but I am tired to DEATH of people using the magic-like-a-sword analogy to explain to Arthur about magic's potential for good! Don't get me wrong, it's a great idea. In fact, it's what I first thought of when planning how Merlin would reveal his magic to Arthur. But I've read _a lot_ of reveal-fics, and after reading the same analogy for about the twentieth time in one day, I was ready to put an ax through my computer! Fortunately, some good did come out of it- I thought up this fic! So, I hope it made you laugh (Merlin's second line still makes me smile!), and please, please, _please_ review! Thanks! :)**


	2. Not the Jealous Type

Hey everybody! It's drabble time! This is actually my _very first _drabble, and it was written sometime in the very early A.M., so I apologize if it isn't spectacular. I was originally just going to have the almost-drabble before this be by itself, but then I wrote this one, and I didn't want it to stand alone, so I decided to just make this a collection of drabbles, ficlets, and other assorted one-shots (All humor!). I hope you enjoy this one! It too was inspired by a severe overdose of Merlin fanfictin...

**Description:** Arthur walks in on Merlin giving Gwen a hug. Merlin expects him to assume the worst.

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to have one, since I did in the story before? Probably not, but just in case: I don't own Merlin, never did and, most likely, never will. So please don't sue me...

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><p><strong>Not the Jealous Type<strong>

Merlin smiled and pulled Gwen into a hug, grateful to have a friend like her.

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Arthur walked into the room, stopping short when he saw the two of them.

"Arthur!" Merlin yelped, his eyes wide and panicked. "We weren't… I mean… It's not what it looks like!"

Arthur frowned at his flustered manservant.

"Really? Because it _looks_ like two good friends expressing their mutually platonic affections for each other with a casual embrace."

Merlin stared at the prince in surprise.

"Oh… Well, in that case… I guess it's _exactly_ what it looks like!"

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><p><strong>100 words exactly! I'm so excited! So anyway, this one was inspired by the <em>huge<em> assortment of FanFics that portray Arthur as this super jealous boyfriend who will run a sword through any guy who so much as glances at Gwen. I mean, come on! It's JUST a hug! Not that I necessarily object to this angsty portrayal of Arthur... :) Actually, I rather enjoy it! But my story wouldn't be as humorous if I didn't poke a little fun at the fangirl in all of us every once in a while! Oh, and if you didn't find my fic funny, try this: Imagine Arthur (in the show) saying the words "mutually platonic"- it kills me every time!**

**Anyway, please review! It absolutely MAKES MY DAY! Seriously- yesterday, I checked my email like once every ten (*cough* five *cough*) minutes!**


	3. Read You Like a Book

Hey, guess what! I actually wrote this one really late at night instead of really early in the morning! Kind of a weird experience for me... I'm going to warn you- this is a _little _different from my first two fics. First of all, I decided to do it entirely in dialogue, so hopefully it isn't confusing. Also, even though the unofficial theme of these drabbles is making fun of fanfiction clichés, I have discovered that these can be difficult to come up with (Though I do have more ideas), and I have decided to also include drabbles that poke fun at the writers of Merlin, the characters, and even the show itself. I hope you enjoy them all!

**Description:** Arthur catches Merlin in the act of reading out spells from his magic book. Not your typical reveal-fic...

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, I would sue fanfiction writers for copyright infringement... Okay, no, not really- I love reading it too much! Seriously, though, don't own it.

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><p><strong>Read You Like a Book<strong>

"I can't believe it! How could you not tell me about this, Merlin?"

"Arthur, I-"

"I trusted you! I thought you were my friend! But all this time you've been lying to me, sneaking around behind my back, and breaking the very laws my father put into place!"

"Arthur, you don't understand! I–"

"You're right, Merlin, I don't understand... I don't understand how you could betray me like this!"

"Please, Sire, just–"

"Why would you do this? I can't wrap my head around it– it just doesn't make any sense! I mean... Where did you even _learn _how to read?"

"…"

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><p><strong>Ah, reveal-fics! Gotta love 'em... But I (being myself and, thus, unnaturally weird) could not just sit down and write a NORMAL reveal! Of course not! And so I wrote one where Arthur asks the same thing that's been bothering me ever since I first saw the show: How did Merlin learn to read? Did Hunith teach him? If so, how did she learn? Or Gwen? I can overlook Gaius knowing, I suppose, because he's awesome and immune to such questioning (Plus, he could have been taught by his predecessor), but he couldn't have taught Merlin because the boy already knew how to read when he first arrived in Camelot! Sighhhh... So many questions...<strong>

**So how did you like this one compared to the others? If it made you smile, PLEASE tell me! I love your reviews so much, and it will encourage me to keep spending all of my free time searching for fanfiction clichés to mock!**


	4. Gaius in Need

Hello once again! I was going to post this fic this morning, but there was this giant brouhaha where my computer froze, tried to delete all of my files, and basically came _this close_ to giving me a heart attack. Fortunately, that's all behind us now, and my computer is once again in perfect working order. Anyway... WARNING: BEFORE YOU READ THIS FIC- If you have NOT seen the Merlin Children in Need 2008 sketch, or if you have but don't remember it, pull it up and watch it now (They have it on Youtube)! You don't have to, but I promise, it is hilarious, and this fic will make a whooooooole lot more sense if you've seen it.

**Description: **There's a monster in Camelot...

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Merlin, Children in Need, or any of the associated characters (I don't even own a Pudsey doll...)

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><p><strong>Gaius in Need<strong>

The king and his son stood in the council chamber, poring over a map of the kingdom. Suddenly, a great roar sounded from just outside the door. The next moment, Merlin burst into the room, his chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath.

"There's a monster!" he gasped out. "It's horrible, wrinkled, and has only _one_ eyebrow."

Uther quickly took charge of the situation.

"Arthur, you must destroy it."

"I will ride out immediately."

"My lord," Merlin interrupted. "I fear this is no ordinary monster."

"You know of this beast?"

"I do, my lord. I believe it to be a… a…"

"Spit it out, man!" Uther commanded.

"A _Gaius_, Sire."

"Gaius? But… Why is he shouting?" Uther asked, looking confused.

Merlin began fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt. "Well, Sire, he's a bit angry with me at the moment…"

"Hang on," Arthur interjected. "Why did you say he only has one eyebrow?"

"Well, that's the thing," Merlin said, sounding rather guilty. "You see, I might have… accidentally… blown the other one off."

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><p><strong>Poor Gaius! So this was written for several reasons, the first of which being that there is a sad lack of Gaius-centric fanfiction on this site (I mean, come on! He's one of the coolest guys on the show!). I'm not poking fun at the Children in Need sketch itself because, quite frankly, it's amazing (I LOVE the way Colin Morgan says his first line!). However, I've noticed that, while the 2009 sketch has been fanfictionized an endless number of times (Especially the part with Arthur and his Pudsey), I have yet to come across a single fic for the 2008 one! So I decided to write one and, at the same time, poke fun at the fact that EVERY piece of fanfiction that mentions Gaius also mentions his eyebrows in some way, shape, or form (I myself am guilty of doing the same thing in my first fic!).<strong>

**Anyway, I hope you liked this one because tomorrow's fic is going to be a sequel. So keep your eye out and make sure you tune in!**


	5. When Life Gives You Lemons

Hey everybody! It's me! :) Wow, that was kind of a silly thing to say, who else would it be?

**Arch-Nemesis:** _"Hey everybody, this is DeleaMarie's arch-nemesis. I've hacked her account solely with the purpose of posting a terribly-written fanfic that will destroy her fanbase of a whole fifteen people!"_

**Me:** _"Hey! My fanbase is more than fifteen people!"_

**Arch-Nemesis:** _"Yeah, right! I've seen your email notifications!"_

**Me:** _"So people aren't reviewing! They're just shy! ...Wait a second, you read my email? What, did you hack that, too?"_

**Arch-Nemesis:** _"Uh, yeah! That's what Arch-Nemeses do! Don't you read fanfiction?"_

**Me:** _"..."_

(Cough, cough) Um, sorry about that. Sometimes I weird myself out, too... But hey, the best authors, artists, etc. are always the ones that are slightly insane!

**Arch-Nemesis:** _"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that..."_

**Me:** _"Shut it!"_

ANYWAY... As I said yesterday, this next fic is a sequel to "Gaius in Need" (So hopefully you enjoyed that one.). And pay no attention to Arch-Nemesis- this really ISN'T a terrible story ...I hope.

**Description:** The aftermath of the "Eyebrow Incident"

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but my (very weird) imagination.

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><p><strong>When Life Gives You Lemons...<strong>

The next morning, Merlin awoke rather early and went out to see if Gaius's mood had improved overnight.

He found the physician with his back turned, bent over a pile of old, dusty books.

"Gaius?" Merlin called out tentatively, not wishing to arouse his guardian's anger again. "Did you, um, find a way to re-grow your eyebrow?"

Gaius sighed and turned to face him.

"Sadly, no… But, on the bright side, I _did_ find a way to grow _this_." He pointed to his face, where a very impressive mustache had sprouted beneath his nose.

"Um, that's great, Gaius, but… Uh… How does that help, exactly?"

Gaius simply stared at him, raising his mustache in disbelief.

"Oh," Merlin said. "I see…"

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><p><strong>That's right, folks! If he can't raise his eyebrow, he'll raise his mustache instead! I have no idea HOW to do that... But I figure if anyone can, it'll be Gaius, the Master of Facial Expressions. Now, I know that at least some of you are thinking, "What about his other eyebrow? Couldn't he raise that?" Well, the thing is, I actually came up with this one BEFORE the other, so I was originally going to have him lose both of his eyebrows (But then I thought of the whole Children in Need parody, and it just fit so well...). Anyway, I decided that it can still work because some people (like me) can only raise one eyebrow above the other (in my case, the left one), so why not Gaius too?<strong>

**Alright, another drabble down, and only (insert random number here) more to go. Yeah, I have no clue how many of these I'm going to do. As long as people keep reading them, I'll keep writing, so if you like them- review! Favorite! Put this on your story alert! Anything to show your support would be greatly appreciated! :D**

**Oh, and if you like something I've done so far and would like to see more of it, tell me! Same thing goes if there's a Merlin character who you feel is seriously under-represented by fanfiction authors. I'll do my best!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. If a Tree Falls in the Forest Part 1

Good morning (afternoon, evening, night, etc.) all! I hope you're enjoying my story, and thank you so much to all of you who have reviewed, favorited, or put this story on your alerts list! Specifically:  
><strong>Esie-muffin: <strong>Sorry it's taken me so long to say so, but... Thanks for your review way back on chapter one! I don't know if you're even still reading this story, but if you are, I just want you to know how happy your comment made me! I'm glad you think (or at least _thought_) that I kept Merlin in character! :)  
><strong>Arnia:<strong> Thank you too for your lovely comment! I'm really happy you liked my Gaius-whumping. :)

Alright, now that we've gotten through that- on to the story!

**Description:** The knights of Camelot are fighting a losing battle... Some Magical Assistance Required.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, I'd still be on here reading and writing fanfiction. But I don't. Sighhhhhhh.

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><p><strong>If a Tree Falls in the Forest…<strong>

The fight wasn't going well.

In fact, if Arthur was honest with himself, he would say that it was really going quite badly. He and his knights were severely outnumbered, and there was no way they could survive the onslaught for much longer.

As if to hasten his demise, the area where Arthur was fighting suddenly became uneven, and he tripped and fell, his sword flying from his hand and landing several feet away. His attackers were upon him in an instant, their own weapons poised for the killing blow.

But before they could strike, Merlin leapt in front of Arthur, raising his hand as if to ward off their assault. At that moment, a tree toppled over, squashing the villains flat.

Shocked, Arthur looked back and forth between the tree and his manservant. Then his face broke into a broad grin.

"Well, _that_ was convenient!"

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><p><strong>Okay, so I didn't want to give anything away at the beginning, but the REAL title of this fic is: <span>If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and It Was Caused by Magic- What Are the Odds Arthur Will Be Completely Oblivious? <span>****Yeah, that doesn't give anything away! ****For some reason, I really love writing Oblivious!Arthur. Even though a part of me has always hoped that Arthur has known about Merlin's magic all along...**

**On a completely unrelated note- Do you think it's strange that my Author's Notes are longer than my fics? :)**

**Anyway, that's all for today! Hope you liked it, and don't forget to tune in tomorrow for the sequel: If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and a Beaver Is Found Nearby- What Are the Odds Uther Will Accuse It of Sorcery?**

**Kidding. Unless, of course, you WANT there to be a sequel... :)**


	7. If a Tree Falls in the Forest Part 2

As per popular request (and by that, I mean two people), here's the sequel to the If a Tree Falls in the Forest... fic. I decided to divide the story into four parts (Not because I want to milk this thing for as much as it's worth, but simply because it was just too long otherwise. I mean, part two is still a little over 500 words as it is!). Hopefully this story is actually interesting enough to hold your attention for a couple of days! :) As I said yesterday, part two is called If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and a Beaver Is Found Nearby- What Are the Odds Uther Will Accuse It of Sorcery? It takes place immediately after the last one.

**Description:** A tree falls in a forest, and Uther suspects sorcery... What else is new?

**Disclaimer:** Do you honestly think that the owner of Merlin would be on a fanfiction site writing stories about magical beavers?

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><p><strong>If a Tree Falls in the Forest… (Part 2)<strong>

The battle abruptly came to a halt as the sound of the crash echoed throughout the glade. Every man turned towards the source of the noise, and each was surprised by what he saw: An ancient oak had fallen to the ground, crushing the leader of the renegade band in the process. Two other men, one standing and the other on his back, had narrowly avoided suffering the same fate.

The outlaws, now leaderless and whispering of Dark Magic, promptly abandoned what little courage they possessed and fled.

Arthur, meanwhile, slowly got to his feet, wincing as he put weight on his twisted ankle. He glanced over at Merlin– who had apparently been stricken dumb by the excitement– before beginning to brush himself off. At that moment, Uther strode over to him, anxious to see if his son was alright (Though he hid his concern behind his usual dignified mask.).

"Arthur, what happened?" Uther demanded.

The prince shrugged, then winced again as pain shot through his shoulder. Ignoring it, he gestured towards the fallen tree.

"During the fight, I lost my footing on the rocky terrain. Merlin tried to help me, but we both would've been killed if that tree had not fallen when it did. We're lucky to be alive!"

Uther snorted. "Luck? Nonsense! This, my son, was the work of magic!"

"But Father!" Arthur protested. "We're in the middle of the forest! There are no sorcerers here!"

"Arthur," the king said, shaking his head. "It's time you learned– There are sorcerers _everywhere_."

He glanced around, searching for a wand or a pointy hat– anything to indicate that a magical being was in the area. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of movement amongst the trees.

"After it!" he commanded a pair of nearby knights. "The sorcerer is getting away!"

After several minutes of rustling around in the underbrush, the two knights emerged, bringing with them a small, furry animal.

The man holding the creature stepped forward and presented it to Uther.

"Sire," he said. "We could not find any sorcerer, only this beaver."

Uther frowned. "Then obviously the beaver must _be_ the sorcerer!"

"A _beaver_, Father?" Arthur interjected, disbelief written plainly across his face. "Surely not!"

The king turned to scowl at his son.

"It isn't _really_ a beaver, Arthur! The magician has disguised himself in order to escape execution! But he will not fool me! He shall _burn_ for his crimes!"

"Father," Arthur said, speaking slowly as if worried about his sanity. "You're tired. You've just been through a… A _traumatic_ experience. So why don't you let the beaver go, and we'll all head back to Camelot… Alright?"

Uther stared at him defiantly for a few more seconds before deflating.

"You're right, of course. I apologize… I was merely concerned about your safety, and it has caused me to be somewhat… Overly-cautious. We shall release the… _Beaver_."

After setting the creature down, the small group of people made their way back to their horses. When he had taken a few steps, Uther turned and shot one last glare at the beaver. Strangely, he could almost have _sworn_ that it was glaring back at him…

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><p><strong>Okay, so that one was slightly more serious than my previous fics (If a story about Uther accusing a beaver of sorcery can possibly be considered serious!). And Uther! Can you say PARANOID? Though maybe in this case his paranoia is actually justified... Is the beaver really a magician? Did Uther just release a dangerous sorcerer who will someday attempt to seize the throne of Camelot for himself? You'll find out next time in part one of the stunning conclusion: <span>If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and a Beaver Is Found Nearby- What Are the Odds Uther Will Accuse It of Sorcery? (And What Are the Odds That He's Right?) Part 1<span>**

**Whew! That's probably the longest title I've ever seen (It's practically as long as the fic itself!). Well, I hope you enjoyed today's installment! I have to tell you, I'm still a little _nyeh_ about posting a four-part story about a possibly-magical beaver, so if you like it- PLEASE tell me! Seriously, I don't want to be posting a bunch of stories that people can't stand!**

A fan: **Thanks for the comment! I'm really glad you find my stories amusing (And my Author's Notes, too, since I spend almost as much time writing those as I do my fics!)!**

Anon: **You're right, it can be discouraging when not a lot of people comment. Fortunately, I have been blessed with several wonderful people who have reviewed my work- including you! Thanks bunches!**

LunaShadowWolf13: **Don't know if you're still reading this, but if you are- Sorry, no Merlin-whumping yet! But I did throw in a bit of a cliffie!**

**Alright, that's all for me for now! Remember: Read, Review, and Never Trust a Beaver! Till Tomorrow!**


	8. If a Tree Falls in the Forest Part 3

Hello once again, my darling readers! Welcome to Part 3 of the Evil Beaver Saga (Evil Beaver... Try saying _that_ ten times fast!). As I said yesterday, this part is titled: If a Tree Falls in the Forest, And a Beaver Is Found Nearby- What Are the Odds Uther Will Accuse It of Sorcery? (And What Are the Odds That He's Right?) Part 1. I hope you enjoy it and tune in tomorrow for the conclusion! :)

**Description:** Arthur may not be as oblivious as we thought...

**Disclaimer:** I think it's pretty safe to assume that I do NOT own Merlin BBC (But I do own The Beaver, who... doesn't have a name yet...)

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><p><strong>If a Tree Falls in the Forest… (Part 3)<strong>

As soon as their group had reached Camelot, Arthur all but dragged Merlin to his room. After making sure the door was shut securely behind them, the prince slowly turned to face his manservant, a frown distorting his features.

"You're a sorcerer," he said to Merlin. His voice was low, but the words were no less accusatory than if he had shouted them.

"What?" Merlin asked, completely taken aback by this statement.

"You heard me," Arthur replied with a glare. "You have magic! You've probably been practicing it for _years_ now!"

"Arthur," Merlin said, trying to laugh the situation off. "I'm afraid you're mistaken…"

"I saw you, Merlin! No matter what I told my father, trees don't just fall over like that! You used magic!"

"I didn't!" Merlin protested. "I had nothing to do with that! I promise you!"

"Merlin–"

"No, really, Arthur! You have to believe me, I–" Merlin stopped and looked directly into Arthur's eyes. "I swear to you," He said, his voice quiet but firm. "I swear I did not make that tree fall."

Arthur stared at him for several moments, as if trying to determine whether or not he was telling the truth. Finally, the prince nodded.

"Alright," he said. "I believe you. But if it wasn't magic, what could have caused it?"

Merlin shrugged and smiled weakly.

"Woodworms?"

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><p><strong>Yes, I know that this chapter doesn't actually have The Beaver in it (Believe me, I'm just as sad about that as you are!). The purpose of this part is mostly to establish a few things: 1. Arthur (at least in <em>this<em> story) is not as oblivious as usual; 2. He trusts Merlin (and all the fangirls said, "Awwwwww!"); 3. You probably guessed this before, but Merlin did not actually _cause_ the tree to fall (Unless he's lying to Arthur's face... But why would I want that?).**

**I hope you're not _too_ disappointed that The Beaver is still alive and well (I did receive several comments from people eagerly anticipating his death. Nice to know that my readers are so violent-minded!). I also hope that you enjoyed this chapter, and my little attempt at breaking the mounting tension (Evil Beavers are pretty intense, after all!). So... Please review! Feel free to tell me your ideas, predictions, or any possible suggestions for The Beaver's name (Anyone know what 'beaver' is in Old English?).**

**Tomorrow: If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and a Beaver Is Found Nearby- What Are the Odds Uther Will Accuse It of Sorcery? (And What Are the Odds That He's Right?) Part 2**


	9. If a Tree Falls in the Forest Part 4

It's the moment you've all been waiting for... The epic conclusion to the gripping saga: If a Tree Falls in the Forest...! Now, I know you're all on pins and needles, so, without further ado...

**Description:** If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and a Beaver Is Found Nearby- What Are the Odds Uther Will Accuse It of Sorcery? (And What Are the Odds That He's Right?) Part 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Merlin (But it's on my Christmas list!)

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><p><strong>If a Tree Falls in the Forest… (Part 4)<strong>

Merlin had barely entered his chambers after his conversation with Arthur when a wrinkled hand grabbed his arm.

He spun around in shock, then breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that it was only Gaius.

"Don't scare me like that!"

Gaius frowned. "Why so jumpy, Merlin?"

The younger man looked around before leaning forward and saying in a low voice,

"Arthur just accused me of having _magic_!"

Gaius's eyes widened in shock.

"_What_? Why would he do such a thing?"

"Well," Merlin began. "This morning, while out on patrol, we were attacked by a band of outlaws–"

"Yes," Gaius interrupted, nodding his head. "I've already had to treat several of the knights for minor injuries."

"Yes, well, _during_ the fight, Arthur tripped and was almost killed by some of the bandits. I ran over to save him, and a tree ended up falling and crushing the other men."

"I see," said Gaius. "And now Arthur suspects _you_ of using magic to fell the tree?"

Merlin shook his head.

"Not anymore. I managed to convince him that I had nothing to do with it."

"Well, I must say, Merlin," Gaius replied, raising his eyebrows. "For someone so careless, you have rather more than your share of luck! I mean, what were you _thinking_ performing magic right in front of Arthur, Uther, and most of the knights of Camelot?"

"But that's the thing," Merlin responded. "I _didn't_ use magic! The tree fell on its own—or at least without _my_ help!"

"But you just said–"

Merlin held up a hand to stop him. "I was _going_ to use magic to save Arthur. The tree just fell before I could do anything."

Gaius still looked a little skeptical, and Merlin sighed.

"_Really_, Gaius, I'm telling the truth! If it _was_ me, I would have done something really obvious and inefficient, like hit the bandits with individual _branches_ or something like that!"

Gaius nodded, conceding the truth of this statement. Then he frowned.

"But if it wasn't you, what _did_ cause the tree to fall?"

Merlin shrugged. "I guess we'll never know…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

That night, Uther dreamt of the beaver. It was standing over a basin of water, staring intently into its depths. And Uther knew—it was staring at _him_. Somehow, even though he was safely within the walls of Camelot once more, the beaver could see him.

As if aware of these thoughts, the creature chortled menacingly.

"Until next time, _Uther Pendragon_…"

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><p><strong>For those of you who guessed that The Beaver was evil—Congratulations! You've won... Well... Nothing. Except for maybe the reputation of being just as paranoid as Uther... Anyway, yes, I do realize that this isn't <em>really<em> the end of The Beaver saga. I couldn't really wrap up the whole story in one part (Unless it was extremely long!). Plus, this way The Beaver can stay hiding in the forest, plotting Camelot's downfall, growing more and more powerful, and amassing an army of evil rodents (With maybe some woodworms and a certain smirking witch thrown in for good measure!). So don't despair—He will return someday!**

**On that note, I want to thank all of you who have stuck with this (very strange) series. What began as a one-shot about the cluelessness of Arthur somehow transformed into a four-part saga in which Merlin (for once) _didn't_ use any magic, Arthur was not as oblivious as usual, a beaver plotted the downfall of Camelot, and Uther was actually _right_ about someone possessing magic (Wow, that IS strange!)! Thanks for all of the reviews, alerts, and favorites, and I hope you all recover from your Beaver Fever quickly (I'm still getting over mine...).**

Imogen: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad you've enjoyed my stories (And I hope you continue to do so!). I regret to inform you that The Beaver IS evil, which is probably why several people have expressed interest in his death! Thanks, too, for suggesting a name for him. I agree that Chauncey _does_ make a very good beaver name... But I'll have to think about it (In the meantime, feel free to suggest any other name ideas—that goes for all you readers!).**

**Well, dear readers, that's all for today! I'll be back same time, same station, tomorrow, so please drop by! And don't forget to review—I love hearing from you, and it will increase the likelihood that The Beaver will make a reappearance if I actually think people like the idea! :)**

**Till tomorrow!**


	10. Arthur Walks into a Bar

You know the only problem with updating daily? You have to actually HAVE a story to upload! Fortunately, I was able to crank this one out, but it was a close run thing... (Blame LunaShadowWolf13- It was HER story, Mind Games, that was distracting me! And yes, that was a plug!). Anywho, enjoy...

**Description:** Arthur's searching for his mysteriously missing manservant...

**Disclaimer:** I wish! (But no...)

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><p><strong>Arthur Walks into a Bar…<strong>

Arthur sighed in exasperation. It was late evening, and the prince had been waiting for over half an hour for Merlin to bring him his meal. Half an hour! A few minutes he could understand, but _this_? Arthur was amazed that Merlin was even capable of such levels of incompetence! Where _was_ that insufferable servant?

Finally, too impatient to sit still any longer, Arthur decided to track Merlin down. He had better have a good excuse for this…

Arthur first stopped by the kitchens, on the off-chance that Merlin was preparing the prince's food and was simply running late. No such luck…

Next, he headed to Gaius's chambers, certain that _he_ would know where to find Merlin.

"Gaius!" Arthur called, as he stepped through the door. "Have you seen my _pathetic_ _excuse_ for a manservant? He's been slacking off on his duties again!"

Gaius swallowed, looking slightly nervous– though Arthur took no notice.

"Have you tried the tavern, Sire?" the physician suggested.

Arthur's eyebrows shot up.

"Of course," he muttered. "The _tavern_." Merlin did seem to spend an unrealistic amount of time there– especially considering his low-tolerance for alcohol.

Striding swiftly through the streets, Arthur made his way towards the local tavern, promising himself that a certain servant would receive several days in the stocks for this inconvenience.

Once he reached the establishment, Arthur pushed open the doors, fully prepared to drag a drunken Merlin out by the ear. Instead, his missing manservant was nowhere to be seen.

As he stood in the doorway, a rather rotund barmaid sauntered over to him, grinning at the bemused expression on his face.

"Can I help you, m'lord?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, you can. I'm here for Merlin…"

The barmaid frowned, looking confused.

"Who?"

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><p><strong>Um, yeah... So... Why doesn't Arthur actually do this in the show? All it would take is one trip to the tavern to see if he's really there, and Merlin's secret would be out (Or at least in a highly-compromised situation!).<strong>

**I _really_ hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I _really_ hope you review! Remember: A few words take only moments to write, but they make me happy all day long!**

**On another note, do you guys like the stand-alone drabbles better or the multi-chapter ones? Because I have a few ideas for some more two-parters...**

**(By the way, I'm keeping this Author's Note short in order to give you more time to write a comment. Hint, hint...)**


	11. Talk Your Way Out of This One

Happy Thursday everyone! Apparently, people DO read my Author's Notes because I got lots of lovely comments yesterday (Unfortunately, I don't have any cookies, virtual or otherwise, to give the reviewers, so you'll just have to settle for my immense gratitude instead.). Now I TOLD myself that, after doing a two-parter and a four-parter, my last drabble was just going to be a stand-alone, but this sequel just BEGGED to be written! So here it is: The sequel to Arthur Walks into a Bar... (Requested by _Lost Hope_ and inspired by a conversation with _writing-at-random_)

**Description:** Merlin tries to convince Arthur that he really WAS at the tavern... (Yeah, good luck with THAT!)

**Disclaimer:** It's getting kind of depressing to write these over and over, but: I don't own Merlin!

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><p><strong>Talk Your Way Out of This One…<strong>

It was late when Merlin returned to Gaius's chambers, and so he was surprised to find his mentor pacing the room, muttering to himself and looking anxious.

"Merlin!" Gaius cried as soon as he saw the boy standing in the doorway. "Wherever have you been?"

Merlin sighed. "Oh, Kilgharrah decided we needed to have another chat. Nothing too serious– It was pretty much the same old Destiny spiel…" The young Dragonlord leaned forward with a grin. "To be honest, I think he was just lonely and wanted someone to talk to."

Gaius frowned and shook his head.

"Well, I'm afraid you're in a bit of trouble now. While you were gone, _Arthur_ came looking for you…"

"And what did you tell him?" Merlin asked, although, from the look on his face, he already had a pretty good idea.

The physician cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Well, you see, I may have… given him the impression that you were at the tavern…"

"The tavern? Gaius, do you have any idea what he's going to _do_ to me?"

"It's worse than that, I'm afraid," Gaius replied solemnly. "After I told him, Arthur decided to actually _go_ to the tavern."

"What?" Merlin yelped. "But… But he _never_ checks the tavern!"

"Well, he has today, and I fear the consequences will be grave indeed. If Arthur sees that you are not there, he may begin to question what _else_ you've been hiding from him…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Later that night, Arthur stormed down the hall leading to his chambers, after having spent the last three hours searching every alehouse in Camelot for his incompetent manservant.

No one from any of them– whether owner or patron– had ever seen or heard _anything_ about a young man named Merlin!

There was only one conclusion– Merlin did _not_ frequently go to the tavern. In fact, by all accounts, the servant had never so much as stepped through the door of one.

These thoughts plagued Arthur as he shoved his door open and strode angrily into his room. He was stopped short, however, by a very unexpected sight.

His table was laden with enough food for several people, and there was even a small cask of wine to wash it all down. Most surprising of all, though, was the fact that Merlin stood right beside his chair, grinning as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"_Mer_lin!" the prince exclaimed. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Merlin adopted a confused look. "What do you mean, Sire? I've brought you your supper…"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "What I _mean_ is, where have you _been_? You were supposed to bring me my food _hours_ ago!"

"Didn't Gaius tell you?" Merlin asked innocently. "I was at the tavern. I guess I must have lost track of the time…"

"Merlin, I was just _at_ the tavern!"

"Well… I suppose we must have just missed each other, then."

Arthur resisted the urge to wring the other man's neck. Then he had an idea.

"So…" he said casually, as he sat down before the table and began to fill his plate. "You've been at the tavern."

"Yes, Sire," Merlin confirmed.

"All day."

Merlin nodded.

"And, presumably, you've been drinking this whole time, correct?"

Again Merlin nodded, though more warily this time, unsure where the prince was going with this.

Arthur smirked. "Alright, I have one more question for you, then… Why aren't you drunk?"

A look of panic flashed across Merlin's face, but he quickly hid it behind a huge smile and a slightly unfocused gaze.

"I'm afraid I don't [hic!] know what you mean, Shhire…" he slurred.

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><p><strong>So, in the actual conversation, <strong>writing-at-random** and I were talking about whether or not Merlin fakes having a hangover whenever Arthur thinks he's been at the tavern (I would so totally DIE if that happened in the show!). Now, this story doesn't actually go that far, but I could try and write a third-part if people are interested...**

Lost Hope: **Thanks for the comment! I hope you like this sequel, too! Oh, and about the "Complete" thing: When I first started this drabble series, it wasn't actually going to BE a series. The first story was just going to be by itself! But then I wrote the second, and it just kind of went from there, and I haven't gotten around to changing it to "In-Progress" yet! :) So yeah. There will be more!**

**Thank you again everyone who reviewed (And to those of you who just read it!). All the comments made me VERY, VERY happy, and I hope you all continue to enjoy and respond!**

**Till tomorrow!**


	12. A Battle of Wills

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful reviews! If I haven't yet thanked you personally for your comment, I'm sorry. Life's been... Life (I'll try and respond sometime this weekend.). As requested, here's part 3 of the Arthur Walks into a Bar... series. I wrote this last night, and I think it was one of those rare occasions when you write something while you're half-asleep, and you still like it in the morning! (Seriously, there's at least one line in here that I have no memory whatsoever of writing!) :) Hopefully, you like it too!

**Description:** Merlin's pretending to be drunk. Arthur's trying to get him to slip up and admit it.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, this would actually be in an episode! (But I don't, so you're just going to have to picture it in your head.)

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><p><strong>A Battle of Wills<strong>

Merlin and Arthur were fighting.

This in itself was not very strange– the two spent most of their time arguing about one thing or another. But this fight was different. This was a battle of wills.

Arthur knew that Merlin was only pretending to be drunk. Merlin _knew_ that Arthur knew. Yet still his manservant _insisted_ on keeping up the charade, slurring his speech and acting even clumsier than usual– something Arthur hadn't thought possible.

"Merlin!" he exclaimed, after his servant managed to knock over his glass of wine for the third time that night.

"Yes, Sire?" Merlin said, looking up with that same idiotic grin that had been on his face since Arthur had accused him of sobriety. "What's wrong?"

"You know perfectly well what!" Arthur snapped, gesturing angrily to the spilt wine.

"My apologies, Sire," he replied, mopping up the liquid. "I'm afraid I'm [hic!] a bit… under the weather. Perhaps if you gave me the night off to recover?" he added hopefully.

Arthur snorted, not even bothering to answer. Merlin was good, he'd grant him that, but sooner or later the pressure would be too much even for _him_. And when that happened… Well, Merlin had better just hope he had a good excuse for lying…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

One hour later, Merlin still hadn't cracked, and Arthur was getting desperate. It was already late into the night, but the prince _refused_ to go to bed before Merlin admitted where he had gone. Finally, he decided to just ask the man outright.

"Tell me the truth, Merlin," he demanded. "Where _were_ you today?"

"I already _told_ you, Sire," Merlin answered, still speaking with a drunken lisp. "I decided to spend my afternoon off at the tavern. I just lost track of time, that's all."

Arthur scowled. "Merlin, I _know_ you're lying to me! I went to all the taverns in the city, and _no one_ had even _heard_ of you! Now, I'm going to give you one more chance. Tell. Me. The. _Truth_!

Merlin just stared at him without saying anything. Arthur sighed inwardly.

"Then, you leave me no choice," he said, sounding reluctant. "I need a manservant I can trust. If I can't trust you… Well, then I think it's time for me to find a new one."

Arthur saw the flash of pain in Merlin's eyes, but he held his gaze.

"Arthur…"

"It's your choice, Merlin."

"Fine!" Merlin came to a decision, all traces of drunkenness leaving his voice. "You want the truth? Here it is: I wasn't at the tavern this evening. In fact, I don't think I've ever even _been_ to the tavern, except on business with Gaius or to try to find Gwaine! Usually, when I'm _at the tavern_, I'm really fighting to save Camelot from a horde of magical monsters! Don't worry about that, though, because today I was just in the forest with the Great Dragon Kilgharrah. We were talking about destiny and about how I'm supposed to help you become this great king– the greatest the world has ever known! You will one day unite the lands of Albion, and I'm the one who's going to help you do it! Only then will peace and magic be restored to this kingdom, and…" Merlin stopped, realizing all that he had said. He risked a glance at Arthur, trying to gauge his reaction.

The prince stared at him, his mouth open in shock. Then he slowly shook his head.

"I've changed my mind," he said. "You _are_ drunk."

* * *

><p><strong>I don't know about you, but I really <em>could<em> picture this happening in an episode! And I would love it if it did! (We should start a petition...)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! I've been enjoying your reviews (cough, cough), so please keep writing! :)**

bythelightoftheharvestmoon: **Thanks for the comment! I hope you found this part just as funny as the other two!**

**Thank you once again for everything! Until tomorrow...**


	13. Fools Rush In

Morning everyone (Or evening, as the case may be)! I hope you all have (had) an amazing day! I also hope you enjoy this story and continue to review as wonderfully as you have so far! For all of you who enjoyed the Arthur Walks into a Bar series- I have an idea for an alternate ending to the first part, but I decided not to post it because I figured you're probably all tired of the idea by now (So if you _do_ want to read it, make sure you tell me!). That being said, thanks for the reviews, and enjoy the show! :)

**Description:** This might possibly be poking fun at reveal-fics. Maybe.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, there's no way I would actually use this for the reveal because millions of fangirls would hunt me down and... Yeah... It wouldn't be pretty!

**Additional AN**: Title is a reference to a movie I've never seen before, so I cannot speak as to its quality and am therefore in no way endorsing it.

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><p><strong>Fools Rush In<strong>

The day had finally come. The day when Merlin decided that he trusted Arthur with more than just his life– he trusted him with his secret as well.

Even so, it was with slight hesitation that Merlin entered the prince's room, and that hesitation grew when he noticed that Arthur stood within easy reach of his sword. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…

"Merlin!" Arthur said, looking at him in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

The warlock swallowed. It was now or never.

"There's… Uh… Something I need to tell you…"

"Well, I'm sure it can wait," Arthur replied. "As you can see, I–"

"No," Merlin interrupted. "I need to tell you this _now_."

"Now's not really the best time, Merlin. My–"

"It's never _the best time_!" Merlin interrupted again. "All I know is that if I don't say this now, I may never work up the courage again!"

"Merlin–"

"I'm a sorcerer, alright?"

Dead silence greeted this revelation. Arthur's face paled, and he could only stare at his friend in shock.

"WHAT?"

Merlin was surprised when this exclamation came, not from Arthur, but from somewhere behind him. He whirled around… And found himself face to face with a very angry Uther.

"_What_ did you just say?" Uther demanded, his voice low and dangerous, and his hand on the hilt of his sword.

Merlin's eyes darted between the king and his son, before he smiled nervously.

"Um… April Fools?"

* * *

><p><strong>There's no way this would happen in an actual episode, but I am seriously surprised that I've never come across a fanfic with this ending before (Then again, maybe there's a reason for that!).<strong>

**I know it's anachronistic, but then, so is the show (Gaius has _reading glasses_, for goodness sake!). I also know that it's not even April! To me, it's kind of like in "Goblin's Gold" when Merlin messes up Arthur's room and tells the prince that he's "spring cleaning"- even though it isn't spring!**

**So, anyway, I hope you found it funny (That's kind of my goal, since I write humorous drabbles...). If you did, please review! Or story alert, since people haven't really been doing that lately (Maybe they've caught on to the fact that I update DAILY... Nevermind, forget you read that! Put this on story alert! :D)**

Lost Hope:** Thanks for going back and reviewing all of my stories. I appreciate the feedback! I'm sorry that you didn't like the end of the If a Tree Falls in the Forest... saga. It IS a bit strange (Though not the _weirdest_ thing I've seen on here!), so if you want, feel free to ignore it and pretend it's just a trilogy. I'm glad you've liked my others so far, and I hope you continue to do so. Thanks for the suggestions, too. I agree with you about the Female!Merlin thing... It's just a bit too much like slash for my taste. As for the others, I'll have to see if I can actually come up with some story ideas for those...**

**Thanks again, everybody! Until tomorrow! :)**

**(Review!)**


	14. Stick to the Plan

So, I learned something fun today: You can only have 15 documents saved in your Doc Manager at one time. So when I tried to upload this... Yeah... I feel like such a newbie! :) Anyway, this story takes place at the end of Season One, Episode Nine (_Excalibur_), so it DOES contain spoilers for that episode (But I'm assuming that since you're reading Merlin fanfiction, you've AT LEAST made it through the first season!). I hope you all like it!

**Description:** Merlin and Kilgharrah discuss what to do with the magical sword...

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin... This might actually have happened... (So you're probably all extremely thankful that I DON'T own Merlin!)

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><p><strong>Stick to the Plan<strong>

Things had not gone according to plan.

Yes, the wraith of Tristan de Bois had been destroyed, and yes, Camelot had been saved, but at what cost? The sword forged in dragon's breath had fallen into Uther's hands– hands in which it could only do _unspeakable_ evil.

All was not lost, however. Merlin had managed to reclaim the sword from Uther, and he was now descending the hundreds of steps that led to the caves beneath the castle. The Great Dragon would know what to do.

As soon as Merlin entered the cavern, he found himself face to face with the dragon, who looked as though he had been expecting the boy's return.

"I trust the sword served you well, young warlock?" It was more of a statement than a question, but Merlin chose to answer it anyway.

"Yes! It worked perfectly! Only…" He paused and dropped his eyes, unable to meet the dragon's gaze.

"Only what?" Kilgharrah asked, a suspicious frown on his face.

"Only, it wasn't actually _Arthur_ who wielded it…" Merlin finished quickly. The dragon's eyes widened.

"Then _who_ was it?"

"Umm… _Uther_," he replied in a small voice.

The cave was suddenly filled with an ear-shattering roar, as the Great Dragon howled his anger and discontent. Merlin flinched.

"I tried to stop him, but I couldn't!" the boy shouted above the noise. "He's the king, and I'm just a servant!"

Kilgharrah scowled at him.

"You have shown me that you cannot yet be trusted! No good can come out of Uther wielding that sword!"

"Well, what can we do?" Merlin asked. The dragon raised his eyebrows– or rather, where his eyebrows _would_ have been, had he had any.

"_We_, young warlock? No. It is _you_ who must remedy this! You must take the sword and hide it where no mortal man can ever find it…"

Merlin looked confused. "But… But I thought we wanted _Arthur_ to have it?"

"Well… _Yes_… But now he must wait until the time is right."

"Why?"

Kilgharrah gaped at Merlin, shocked that he would even _dare_ to question his ingenious plan.

"No, hear me out!" Merlin continued. "We were all set to give this sword to Arthur, but then his father used it, and now it must be hidden away from Arthur until sometime in the future, right?"

"Right…" the dragon agreed reluctantly, looking somewhat wary. "The sword cannot be allowed to fall into Uther's hands…"

"But that's the thing!" Merlin interrupted. "It's not _in_ Uther's possession anymore! I took it without him noticing! So why don't I just give the sword to Arthur– you know, like we'd _originally planned_? That way, Arthur will be better equipped in his fights against Dark Magic, and Uther won't be _able_ to use the sword again because it will already belong to Arthur!"

"But… You have to throw it into a lake…"

Merlin rolled his eyes in exasperation. "That doesn't even make any sense! Why can't I just give him the sword _now_?"

The Great Dragon opened his mouth to respond, then shut it again.

"You know," he said at last. "I really don't know…"

* * *

><p><strong>This story pretty much sums up my thoughts after watching that episode. I was thinking: "What? But Uther doesn't HAVE the sword anymore! Surely, they can just give it to Arthur now, and it will be like the fight with the wraith never happened! Why does Merlin have to throw it in the lake?" (Answer: It's a major plot-point for a future episode. But still...)<strong>

**Anyway, I think it would have been funny if their actual conversation had gone like this (Hopefully you thought so too!). So far in my fics I've avoided writing about actual episodes, so tell me if you liked it! I also haven't written any crossovers, made any movie references, or had stories where the characters are actually AWARE that they're in a fanfiction- so if you want to see any of those, be sure to tell me! I DO take requests!**

Laytonloverdg: **I'm glad you thought the last one was funny! Right after I posted it, I was like "Oh, I HOPE that _poisson d'avril_ really DOES mean April Fools! Otherwise, I'm going to have a WHOLE bunch of confused readers on my hands..." They were probably confused anyway, which is why I had the Author's Note (Hopefully people actually read it!) :) Anyway, thanks for the comment!**

**I'm not sure yet, but my next fic MIGHT be another two-parter... Possibly involving Uther because, let's face it, everything's funnier with him!**

**Thanks for reviewing, and please continue to do so! :)**


	15. Uther's Secret Affliction

Alright, everybody, this is my first "What If..." fic! It takes place after "The Coming of Arthur" and includes spoilers for that and "Goblin's Gold" (You'll understand when you read it!). If you have already seen the first episode of season four, be warned: Uther is still going to be like his old self. It is not meant to be taken seriously (Quite the opposite, in fact!), and I hope you all enjoy it! :)

**Description:** Uther has a secret affliction and won't leave his room...

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Merlin, just my ideas.

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><p><strong>Uther's Secret Affliction<strong>

Uther wasn't happy. And when _Uther_ wasn't happy, _no one_ was.

The object of his unhappiness was his mirror, which was currently standing on the dresser before him, but would very soon be lying broken on the floor.

Now, Uther knew that his anger was unreasonable. After all, the mirror only showed him what he looked like. It didn't actually _cause_ him to be…

Uther shuddered, unable even to _think_ the word. It had been _months_ since the goblin had wreaked havoc on the citizens of Camelot, but the effects of the creature's "remedies" still plagued the king. No matter what he tried, his hair _would_ _not_ grow back.

Uther stood up and began to pace the room in frustration. He had barely left his chambers since the horrible incident, and when he did, it was only for short periods and never in front of large groups. Most people attributed this seclusion to the fact that his daughter had turned out to be an evil witch with a desire for revenge, but that was not the case.

Oh, of course the betrayal _hurt_. But this was _Uther_. He had already had his heart broken once before when his wife Ygraine died, and _that_ hadn't stopped him from ruling his kingdom. No, if anything, Morgana's betrayal served only to _strengthen_ Uther's resolve to wipe out magic once and for all. Unfortunately, though, he couldn't do that until he was able to show his face– or, more precisely, his _head–_ in public again.

All of a sudden, a knock sounded on the king's door. He hastily grabbed his hat and pushed it down as far as it would go over his hairless skull.

"Enter," he called. He was relieved when he saw that it was only Arthur.

"Father," Arthur said, nodding his head to the broken man. "I trust you slept well."

Uther snorted. "As well as can be expected, considering my… _affliction_."

Arthur nodded again, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his father's overly dramatic tone.

"Then, I suppose you wouldn't object to taking a walk about the castle with me?" the prince asked, adding under his breath, "Anything to get you out of this room…"

The king sighed, knowing his son was right.

"Very well," he agreed. "But _only_ if we avoid the main passages…"

He made sure his hat was on securely, then headed out the door. Arthur followed just behind him, happy that he had finally gotten his father to leave his chambers.

At first, everything went smoothly, and it was as if nothing about Uther had ever changed. The castle staff had all been warned not to look directly at their king, so they scurried by with carefully averted eyes. Uther smiled. Maybe things would turn out alright after all…

It was, of course, at that moment that disaster struck. As the king was walking around a corner, a young maid was approaching from the opposite direction. The two collided, sending the girl's laundry basket flying and causing Uther's hat to slip sideways off his head.

"My lord!" the girl gasped. "I apologize! I wasn't… I mean, I didn't…" Her voice trailed off as she glanced up at Uther for the first time.

What happened next was understandable, considering the situation, but also the very worst thing the maid could have done. Being new to the castle, she had not yet been informed of the king's… _condition_. This surprise, combined with her fear, caused her to release a nervous giggle at the sight of his bald head.

Uther's eyes widened in shock at the sound. Not only had this… this… _serving girl_ run into him, but now she had the audacity to _laugh at him_! He had _known_ this would happen if he left his room!

He turned to Arthur, his face quickly becoming an impressive shade of purple. When he spoke, his voice was low and menacing.

"Off. With. Her. _Head_!"

* * *

><p><strong>Don't ask me WHERE I got this idea because I honestly have no clue... I just thought that Bald!Uther was hilarious, and then... I don't know... I thought it would be funny if THAT was the reason he stayed confined to his room in season four... So, I'm sorry if it was confusing in any way- I just didn't want to give away the story by mentioning that Uther was bald in my first Author's Note.<strong>

Laytonloverdg: **Thanks you once again for your wonderful comment! I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that... :)**

**By the way, the title of this fic is a reference to the Potter Puppet Pals video "Ron's Disease" (Which I think is really ironic because IN the video, Ron's "secret affliction" is _head lice_! :D)**

**Thanks for reading! Please review and come back tomorrow for part 2! :)**


	16. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

For once, I don't have a whole lot to say (At least in THIS Author's Note), so... Yeah. Here's part 2 of the Bald Uther series.

**Description:** Uther will have his revenge on all those who dared to laugh at him (So all of you who laughed when you watched the episode or read my fic– Watch out. He's coming for you...)

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, Bald Uther would have had a LOT more screen time...

**Warning:** If you have even the TINIEST bit of fangirl in you, you might want to hurt me after reading this... *evil chuckles*

**Recap: **Uther's bald. A serving girl laughs at him. He orders her beheading (Just read the story before this if you really can't remember!).

* * *

><p><strong>Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow<strong>

"Father!" Arthur protested, outraged by the king's hasty verdict. "You can't _do_ that!"

"Can't?" Uther repeated, his eyes flashing dangerously at his son. "I am the king and your father! You will not question my judgment!"

"I apologize," Arthur amended. "But _please_, do not condemn her so quickly."

Uther scowled. "She has dared to mock the royal family of Camelot! By so doing, she has committed _treason_! There can be no mercy!"

"But Father," Arthur tried again. "She might not have even been laughing at _you_… Isn't that right?" He turned to the serving girl, mentally urging her to say something in her defense.

"Y-yes, my lord," the girl stammered. "I would _never_ laugh at the king! In fact, I was just thinking to myself how… How _regal_ His Majesty looks at the moment. I only laughed because I was imagining how ridiculous anyone else would look if _they_ were…" She stopped, worried that if she said _The Word_, it might set Uther off again.

The king, however, was no longer paying any attention to her. Something she had said had captured his interest, and he was now staring off into space, deep in thought. He had an idea…

While he was preoccupied with his musings, Arthur took the opportunity to shoo the girl away, telling her to make herself scarce before Uther came to.

Moments after she had disappeared, the king snapped out of his reverie. He turned to Arthur with a smile that made his son feel slightly uneasy.

"Bring me Geoffrey of Monmouth…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

That next morning, a proclamation appeared in the castle's courtyard. Merlin was among the throng of people that crowded around it, anxious to read what the king had written. Being quite tall, the young warlock was easily able to see over everyone else's heads and read the paper.

_My Loyal Subjects-_

_I, Uther Pendragon, being sovereign leader of Camelot and ruler of all its peoples and laws herein, do henceforth declare an amendment to the judiciary commands governing said nation, to be followed by all constituents, noble or otherwise. By order of the king, from this day forward, every citizen of Camelot, whether male or female, shall be required to have their hair cut off. Anyone found in noncompliance with this law shall be thrown into the stocks and beheaded._

Merlin read the paper over and over, not believing his eyes. Surely this law must be in jest! And yet… There it was. Signed in Uther's own hand and bearing the royal seal of Camelot.

Suddenly, a piercing shriek split the air. Merlin quickly spun around, his eyes widening in shock when he saw who it was.

Standing before him– clutching his brown locks tightly and staring at the proclamation as if it was his death warrant– was Gwaine.

* * *

><p><strong>First of all, let me say that since it was Gwaine, I'm sure it was a very MANLY shriek! :) Out of all the various whumpings inflicted upon the Knights of Camelot, I have never come across a haircut fic (Maybe that's just too far below the belt!).<strong>

**So, was I right? Do you all hate me now? Did I cross an unspoken line by messing with The Hair? Well, I'm not sorry... That was way too much fun! (And I can't wait to see where this thing goes...) :D**

F-D: **Thanks for the comment! Do I really come across as that desperate for reviews? (Wait... Don't answer that!) At least it appears to be working! :) I'm really glad you're enjoying my stories (And you have my permission to blame me for any distraction they may have caused...)!**

**I had the hardest time coming up with a name for this fic (The one I ended up using was GOING to be the name of tomorrow's). Here were some of the rejected titles: **Uther's Revenge; A HAIR-Brained Idea; I Do Declare; and, my personal favorite, Heart of Stone, Head of Chrome (Which I don't fully understand myself... I guess it kind of refers to the fact that his bald head is shiny? Yeah... This is where my mind goes when it's late at night...).

**Anywho... I'm actually not going to ask for reviews this time (But give them to me anyway!) because I apparently appear to have no pride. I will just add that I love, love, LOVE hearing from you all, and it would be AMAZING to get feedback for this story! (But I'm not asking...)**

**Till tomorrow!**


	17. Five Things and Author's Note

Updated 2/07/12: **Alrighty... Well... If you're new here, you might be wondering why I'm all of a sudden taking a break from the Bald Uther Series. I had this big long AN explaining it (Hence the title of this chapter), but that was nearly two months ago, so I figured it was time for a change. Suffice to say, this marked the beginning of my no-longer-daily stories, and I was just warning everybody about that. I actually wasn't even going to keep this chapter, but I got a couple of reviews on it, so why not? Anywho, hope you enjoy!**

**Description: **A list of five things I'm not allowed to do in Camelot

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Merlin, and I've never read one of these lists before, so if you know of one with similar things, tell me, and I'll... ummm... Send them a shout-out in one of my (much) later fics, I guess.

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><p><strong>Five Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Camelot<strong>

1. Examine Uther's head, and then ask, "Is that a bald spot?"

2. Tell Morgana that if she keeps smirking, her face will freeze like that

3. Start a petition to "Save the Dragons"

4. Trick Uther into signing said petition

5. Refer to Merlin's Sidhe staff as "The Problem Stick"

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><p>Cheat Sheet for "Five Things"<p>

1. Refers to s03 e03 (Goblin's Gold) and also to my previous fics

2. Something every child will be told by an adult at some point in their lives

3. Pretty obvious

4. Again, obvious

5. Potter Puppet Pals ("The Vortex")

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><p><strong>Alright: Bald Uther Series Part 3 picks up next chapter! See you there!<strong>

**(Wow, that was my shortest Author's Note _ever_!)**


	18. A Close Shave

Hey everybody! I hope finals went well and that you now all have plenty of time to relax and read some fanfiction (It's what I'M going to be doing!)! So, once again, I'm sorry for not posting this on Wednesday, but I figured you would be able to enjoy it better if you actually had time to read it! Especially since this is my longest yet (Hope you don't mind!).

This story is also kind of a test for me because it's the first time I've written a humorous fic when I wasn't feeling particularly happy (One of my favorite TV shows decided to kill off one of my favorite characters! For no reason!). Anyway, I'm all better now, and I still think it's funny, so hopefully you will, too!

**Description:** Part Three of the Bald Uther series: A Close Shave

**Disclaimer: **I DO NOT- nor shall I ever- own Merlin (Please don't make me say it again!) :(

**Warning: **Prepare yourselves for some Knights-of-the-Round-Table-Awesomeness!

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><p><strong>A Close Shave<strong>

The Royal Barber of Camelot had a difficult job.

It was his duty to make sure that the members of the royal family looked their best at all times. That meant ends had to be trimmed and tangles had to be combed out on a daily basis. Not to mention, it was the _barber_ who had first had to tell Uther that his hair was turning gray…

However, all of these tasks paled in comparison to the trial he now faced– one he knew would challenge him to the fullest extent of his abilities.

Sir Gwaine.

The man in question sat before him, eyeing the scissors in the barber's hand as if they were an instrument of torture. This was one of the men who had faced down an immortal army without hesitation! But what the barber didn't notice was that, beneath the anxiety, Gwaine's eyes shone with the same determined light that appeared before every battle.

He wasn't going down without a fight.

The rest of the Knights of the Round Table– along with Merlin and Arthur– stood off to the side, watching the proceedings with barely concealed grins. Somehow, Gwaine had been "volunteered" to go first, and a wager was in place as to how much hair he would lose before he snapped.

"Come now, Gwaine," Percival said, his coaxing tone made slightly less so by the smirk on his face. "It's about time you trimmed that shaggy mess, anyway."

Gwaine shot a glare at his so-called _friend_.

"I notice you're not exactly jumping for joy at the thought of a haircut yourself," he muttered sarcastically. Percival ran his fingers through his short hair.

"I don't really have much to lose, though, do I?"

"So, why don't _you_ go first, then?"

Percival grinned. "On the chance that you'll go mad after the first snip and threaten Uther at sword-point till he changes the law."

Gwaine rolled his eyes. "Don't think I haven't considered it."

Arthur raised his eyebrows at this. "Watch it, Gwaine," he warned. "This is my _father_ you're talking about."

Gwaine smirked at the prince.

"Yeah, well, you can't choose your family."

Arthur scowled. The other knights, meanwhile, tried desperately to smother their laughter. From the way Arthur turned to glare at them, though, it was clear they hadn't done a very good job of it.

Gwaine laughed along with the others, but he sobered up instantly when he caught sight of the scissors once again and remembered why he was there.

"I'm going to kill Uther for this…" he growled darkly.

Lancelot's eyes widened. Though the words were joking, there was something about the way Gwaine had said them that worried the knight. Lancelot hurriedly pulled Merlin off to the side.

"Merlin," he whispered urgently. "I'm worried about what Gwaine might do if he's forced to go through with this. I've seen how he is with his hair, and…"

Merlin stared at him disbelievingly. "You really think Gwaine would commit _treason_ over his _hair_?" Even as he said the words, though, he couldn't help but wonder.

Lancelot shook his head and lowered his voice even further. "I'm not sure," he said. "All I know is that, if ever there was a time for you to use your magic…"

Merlin considered this. It _would_ be nice not to have to shave his head…

"Alright," he agreed. "I'll see what I can do."

But first he had to get Gwaine away from that barber…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Later that day, Uther was confronted in the council chambers by a large group of people– the Knights, Arthur, Merlin, Gaius, and the Royal Barber– all of whom still possessed full heads of hair (Though the barber seemed to be missing some in several places. Make of that what you will…).

"What is the meaning of this?" Uther barked, annoyed by both the interruption and the group's obvious lack of baldness.

"My lord," the barber said, stumbling forward and shooting an annoyed glance at Gwaine. "It appears as though Gaius has discovered a remedy for your… condition."

Uther's eyes widened, and he turned to the physician.

"Is this true, Gaius?" he asked, hardly daring to hope.

"I believe so, Sire," Gaius replied. "However, I must warn you that there may be some… er… side effects."

Uther snorted. "Anything would be preferable to this!" He gestured for Gaius to proceed.

"If you're certain, Sire," the old man said, before taking out a vial filled with some suspicious-looking liquid that may or may not have been magically altered by a certain young magician. "Don't say I didn't warn you, though…" he added under his breath.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

That night, the Royal Barber was rudely awakened from his slumber by one of Uther's attendants.

"Sir," the man said nervously. "The King requires your services."

The barber groaned. So the cure _hadn't_ worked, then. He should have _known_ better than to believe the words of the prince's servant and that crazy knight! Although, in his defense, Gwaine could be pretty persuasive– particularly when he was armed with a pair of rather deadly-looking scissors.

The barber slowly got out of bed, knowing that it did not pay to keep the king waiting but still slightly annoyed that his sleep had been disturbed. With his luck, Uther probably wanted him to cut half the hair in Camelot by sunrise.

The attendant led him up the many passageways to Uther's chambers. Once there, he opened the door and allowed the barber to go in, shutting the door quickly behind him.

It was surprisingly dark in the room. Only one candle lit the enormous chambers, and the Royal Barber had a hard time making out anything beyond the range of its glow.

"Is that you?" a muffled voice called from behind the dressing screen. Seeing no one else in the room, the barber responded.

"Yes, my lord. I was told that you require my services."

Uther snorted and stepped out into view, the light of the candle just reaching him.

"That's a bit of an understatement."

The barber gasped when he saw the king. Though bald only a few hours before, _now_ there was hardly an inch of him that _wasn't_ covered in hair. Long gray locks hung from his head, and an immensely bushy beard and mustache all but obscured his face. His arms, too, had sprouted thick tufts of hair, making it appear as though he was wearing long, furry sleeves.

"Ah," the barber said weakly, not meeting Uther's furious gaze. "That'd be the side effects, then."

* * *

><p><strong>1,087 words. Wow. That's at least four hundred more than my previous longest! Hopefully you didn't mind the length and enjoyed the fact that I was able to tell a bit more of a story! This was my first time writing Gwaine, Percy, and Lancelot, so I hope they don't seem OOC... (Keep in mind that Gwaine's desperation is due to the trauma he's going through! :D). I really enjoyed the opportunity to write some banter between them because that's one of my favorite things about the show!<strong>

**Now: I HAVE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU! This is my eighteenth story (Well, technically it's my eighteenth CHAPTER, since the thing before this wasn't actually a story), and I am currently at 82 reviews (Wowzers! O.O). I think it would be so AMAZINGLY, UNBELIEVABLY _AWESOME_ if we could break one hundred reviews by the twentieth chapter (Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but I think you can do it!). Eighteen reviews in three chapters- that's only six each (Though I'd be perfectly fine with more!). I understand if you're not the reviewing type or if you just don't have time. That's perfectly fine. But keep in mind- I don't care if the comments are anonymous, and I don't care if they're only a few words (My very first review was only two words long, and you should have SEEN how I was jumping up and down after that!). As long as they aren't flames, I am perfectly, completely, and incandescently happy (Pride and Prejudice quote!)! So... Please? *Adorably hopeful Merlin grin* (And really, how can you say no to _that_?)**

**I'm trying not to make this AN too long, but I just want to point out that, unfortunately, for time's sake, I had to cut out the scene where Gwaine escapes the clutches of the nefarious barber. I haven't written anything for it, but I think it has the potential to be hilariously fun! So, tell me if you're interested in reading it!**

**To conclude, thank you EVERYONE for reviewing, alerting, favoriting, and just plain READING my stories! It means so much to me, and I hope that you continue to enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them (Though, that could be difficult!).**

**Remember: 100 reviews is within our grasp! Till next time!**


	19. This Could Get Hairy

Hey everybody, and happy Saturday! I'm going to keep this AN short because I'm already getting a later start posting this story (I actually just finished writing it a few minutes ago.). For some reason, my Muse decided to leave me hanging, so it was REALLY hard to write this! But I got it finished, and so, as promised, here is the deleted scene where Gwaine escapes from the nefarious barber (Hope you like it!).

**Description:** Ummm... Gwaine escapes from the nefarious barber (Didn't I cover that already?)

**Disclaimer:** No. Just no.

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><p><strong>This Could Get Hairy<strong>

Gwaine had faced many terrible things in his life.

Wyverns. An immortal army. Evil knights. Drunk tavern-goers. Drunk tavern-_owners_. Truth be told, Gwaine had a knack for getting into trouble. But, fortunately for him, he also had a knack for getting out of it.

Some called it luck. _Most_ called it annoying. Gwaine preferred to think of it as a gift.

Right now, however, his "gift" didn't appear to be of much use. Honeyed words and silver-tongued flattery could only get you so far, and when weighed against the threat of execution… Well, Gwaine could see why most people would rather keep their head than keep their hair.

But Gwaine was not most people. Oh sure, he _liked_ his head– was quite fond of it, actually. He felt it had a rather roguish handsomeness to it, and he knew that most women agreed. But without his hair…

Gwaine rubbed his chin absentmindedly, then scowled.

"Next he'll be making everyone shave their beards, since he can't seem to grow one of those, either!"

No, Gwaine decided, he was _not_ going to put up with this injustice– treason or not.

He glanced around quickly, looking for a means to escape. All he needed was a distraction…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Merlin, meanwhile, was thinking along these same lines. As he saw the scissors draw nearer to Gwaine's hair and saw his friend's eyes grow wider and more desperate, he knew that he had to act. So he did the first thing that came to mind.

He collapsed.

Instantly, all eyes were on him as he lay on the floor, twitching convulsively (Okay, so maybe the spasms were a little _much_, but it was kind of fun to see the concern on their faces.).

"Merlin!" Gwaine yelped, rising from his chair before being forced back down by the barber.

Lancelot, who was pretty certain this was all just part of Merlin's plan, stepped forward.

"Arthur," he said, addressing the prince. "We must get him to Gaius immediately."

Arthur nodded, his eyes worried (Though he would deny it later).

"Of course," he agreed, bending over to help the knight lift Merlin. "The haircuts can wait."

Gwaine, though concerned about his friend, was overjoyed at these words. He stood up again, but was once more restrained by the barber (Who was stronger than he looked!).

"I don't see why _all_ of you need to go," the barber said with a frown. "The king told me that all of the knights must have their hair cut by the end of the day to… _encourage_ the townsfolk."

Gwaine stared at the man, his eyes glittering dangerously.

"I'm warning you, mate," he said in a low voice. "Merlin is my friend. So if you want to keep that hand, you'd best be keeping it _away_ from me."

The barber's eyes widened at this threat. Outraged, he drew himself up to his ful–l though still not very impressive– height.

"How _dare_ you!" he spluttered. "I am the personal barber to the royal family, and you will show me some respect!"

Everyone else in the room winced. That had _not_ been a wise move.

Gwaine leaned forward threateningly, forcing the barber to back up a pace.

"Respect?" he repeated. "You want respect? Very well… I will award you with the same _respect_ given to our king." He glanced meaningfully at the object in the other man's hand.

The barber, realizing too late what he meant, could only watch in horror as Gwaine snatched the scissors and brought them down on a particularly large lock of hair. Then he did it again. And again– the barber powerless to stop him.

Gwaine could have continued like this for quite some time, but his fun was disrupted when a weak voice reached his ears.

"I don't mean to spoil your revenge," Merlin said sarcastically. "But if you can spare a moment, I think I might be _dying_ over here!"

"Oh… Right… Sorry, mate," Gwaine replied sheepishly, pocketing the scissors.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, hope you liked it! Of course, this also leaves out the scene where they all pile into Gaius's chambers to find out what's "wrong" with Merlin, which COULD be funny, and I COULD write it (But once again, I'll leave that up to you. Don't want you getting bored of this story!).<strong>

**This is kind of random, but Gwaine reminds me of Flynn Rider (From Disney's Tangled). Charming. Clever. Handsome. (Yes, I just admitted that I think an animated character is handsome! Don't judge me- you know you think so, too!). Anyway, I guess that means that, in this story, the scissors are kind of like HIS frying pan... :D**

**Anway, I want to thank you all again for reading my stories! And thank you SO MUCH all of you who reviewed- I got EIGHT! O.O That's the most yet! So thank you **chrisandersenyuki**, **whitecrossgirl**, **Tagrea**, **NybCR**, **Galaya**, **DeviousDragons**, **MerlinJustGiveMeTheMuffins**, and **a fan** for your wonderful comments! To those of you who requested this story- I hope it lived up to expectations! :)**

**Only TEN more comments to go until the big 100! I'm so excited and hopeful, I can barely stand it! So, please, continue to enjoy and continue to review! Till the next drabble!**


	20. A HAIR Brained Scheme

The Merlin writers are evil.

Not EVIL evil. More... Diabolical-Take-Over-the-World-or-at-the-Very-Least-Torture-Us-with-a-Cliffie-and-Make-Us-Wait-a-Whole-Week-to-Find-Out-What-Happens-Next evil.

It's also their fault that I didn't post this yesterday (Well, not really, but I'm blaming them anyway!). I spent Saturday having a Merlin Marathon (ending with s04e12!), so I didn't have time to finish writing this. Which is why I'm posting it today. That being said, here's another deleted scene from the Bald Uther series (The LAST one because I think I've officially exhausted all my ideas on this subject!).

**Description:** The Knights of the Round Table (With the Royal Barber in tow) take Merlin to Gaius to find out what's "wrong" with him (I've been trying to find that out for years! :D).

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, I wouldn't be going crazy wondering about the season finale!

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><p><strong>A HAIR-Brained Scheme<strong>

The life of a court physician is strange and fraught with peril.

On any given day, one might face anything from the common cold to a magical plague. And if you have the misfortune of being the court physician of _Camelot_, well, it tends to be more of the latter.

However, no bizarre magical maladies could have prepared Gaius for the strangeness of the sight of that rag-tag group of men that was slowly making its way to his chambers.

Gwaine led the way, clutching a pair of scissors and appearing worried, happy, and triumphant all at once. He was followed by a rather dejected-looking man whom Gaius vaguely recognized as the Royal Barber of Camelot. As he drew closer, Gaius found himself wondering if the man was really all that skilled at cutting hair. He certainly didn't seem to have done a very good job on his own… Suddenly, Gaius was very pleased that he hadn't yet "found the time" to get _his_ hair done.

Shaking his head to rid it of such treasonous thoughts, the physician turned his gaze to the rest of the group. When he did, he felt his heart clench within him. Was that _Merlin_ who was being carried by Arthur and Lancelot?

Gaius stepped forward to examine his ward more closely.

"What happened?" he demanded, too worried to care that he was addressing the prince of Camelot in a highly disrespectful manner.

Arthur looked at him, his eyes filled with sympathy.

"We don't know," he said, shaking his head slightly. "He just collapsed down in the barber's chambers."

"We weren't sure what to do, so we brought him here," Elyan added.

Gaius nodded, the physician in him taking over. He quickly directed the men to lay Merlin down on the older man's bed. After they had done so, the knights turned back towards Gaius and began to tell him what had happened in more detail.

As Gaius listened– somewhat impatiently– to their story, he was distracted by a sudden movement from the boy behind them. Merlin sat up and put a finger to his lips, his eyes widening meaningfully. He motioned towards the men before him and then towards the door, indicating that his mentor should get rid of the group.

Gaius raised his eyebrow and turned his attention back to the other men. Percival and Leon had gotten sidetracked and were in the midst of an argument over who had won the haircutting bet, since _technically_, Gwaine had snapped before he'd even lost any hair. Gaius sighed.

"If you would hold off on your story for just one moment," he interrupted. "I think I'd better examine Merlin before he dies of _old age_."

The knights, looking suitably chastised, mumbled their apologies and stepped out of the way. The barber seemed about to protest at being addressed in this way, but Gwaine silenced him with a menacing look.

Gaius knelt down beside the bed, noting that Merlin was once more pretending to be unconscious. After several minutes of "examining" him, the physician stood up and faced the others.

"It is as I suspected," he said, his tone grave.

Arthur frowned at his vague answer.

"Well, what is it?" he asked, worry and frustration making his words come out harsher than he had intended. "What's wrong with Merlin?"

Gaius took a deep breath. "I fear, my lord, that Merlin is afflicted with _Ungewitt_."

"_Ungewitt_?" Arthur repeated, looking anxious. "What's that?"

"It is a rare illness of the mind, a grave mental disease that cannot be cured. I'm afraid Merlin has suffered from it all his life."

"But... But he hasn't ever…" Arthur's voice trailed off as he realized that Merlin _had_ in fact collapsed on several past occasions. Actually, more times than Arthur had believed was humanly possible. Was this why?

"Will he be alright?" Leon asked, shaking the prince from his thoughts.

Gaius nodded. "He should be fine. In fact, once I have given him an elixir, he should be as good as new."

Gwaine frowned. "Will this ever happen again?"

"I don't know," Gaius answered, shaking his head sadly. "Normally I would say no, but Merlin has the strongest case of Ungewitt I have ever seen. How he's managed to live this long is beyond me."

Arthur paled slightly at these words. "Is the disease usually fatal?"

"Oh no," Gaius reassured him. "But it can cause its victims to be plagued by a severe lack of sense, often resulting in injury to themselves."

Despite his worry, Arthur couldn't help smirking. "Well, that would explain things, then."

The physician smiled and then shooed the men from the room, saying that he would need space and concentration to fix the remedy for Merlin.

As soon as he had shut the door behind them, he spun around to face his ward. Merlin sat up and glared at Gaius.

"_Ungewitt_?" he repeated accusingly. "_Stupidity_? Really, Gaius?"

The old man scowled as well.

"It's no less than you deserve, scaring me the way you did."

Merlin smiled sheepishly. "Sorry about that… I just needed a distraction before the barber cut Gwaine's hair and caused him to go berserk."

"Merlin," Gaius said, shaking his head. "I don't even _want_ to know what goes on in your head."

The boy grinned but then sobered up quickly. "We need to find a way to cure Uther's baldness."

"How? I've tried everything."

Merlin glanced around and lowered his voice. "We haven't tried _magic_ yet."

Gaius stared at him. "I'm beginning to believe there may have been some truth in my diagnosis. Merlin, have you taken leave of your senses?"

"No more than usual," he replied, grinning cheekily.

Gaius sighed. "Why do I not find that comforting?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Anglo-Saxons must have been some pretty foolish people because you would not BELIEVE how many words they have for "stupidity" (I just picked my favorite). I thought it would be fun to give Merlin's "grave mental disease" a name! :) Anywho, I hope you enjoyed it because it was EXTREMELY difficult to find inspiration for this one (That seems to have been a running theme for the Bald Uther series, though... Part 3 and both deleted scenes were all just kind of made up as I went along.).<strong>

**Oh my WOWZERS, did you guys come through on reviews! Here I thought I was being overly-optimistic in hoping for 100 by the twentieth chapter, but we ended up with _103_ by the nineteenth! You are all seriously amazing, and I'd like to take this moment to thank a few very special people *teary eyes*: First of all, you wonderful readers, reviewers, story-alerters, and favoriters who inspired me to keep writing bizarre nonsense stories. My parents, without whom I wouldn't be here. My legs, for always supporting me. And my arms, for always being by my side! (Don't be too impressed with my humor- I borrowed that from some comedian.)**

**I'm grateful for every one of you who reviewed, and I would especially like to thank **chrisandersenyuki**, **Bree-WolfGirl**, **Galaya**, **bubblepunk12**, **writing-at-random**, **Bottled Sunshine**, **Lost Hope**, **DeviousDragons**, **whitecrossgirl**, and **GoldenAsh Tree** for your incredible awesomeness!**

**Alright, thanks for sticking with this story! I hope you liked it all and aren't too disappointed that it's over *wipes away imaginary tear*.**

**Until next time: Read, review, and keep being the amazing people you are! :D**


	21. Tale of a Pre Aged Merlin

Hello everyone, and happy First-Day-of-Winter (Though some would say otherwise)! I hope you all have a beautiful day ahead of you (Or behind you, depending on where you live)! Thank you for all of your WONDERFUL reviews! I love you all (In a completely platonic way, of course)! Anywho...

For this chapter, I am returning to the type of story that got me started on this whole drabble business in the first place: the fanfiction parody! As you've probably noticed, the Merlin fandom is especially rife with clichés, and, thus, I have taken it upon myself to expose and mock them whenever I can! That being said, I am not in any way claiming to be a satirist, but I hope you enjoy this anyway!

**Description:** Merlin comes up with a plan to gain more respect.

**Disclaimer:** I am currently saving up my money to buy the rights to Merlin (My piggy bank is nearly bursting!). But for now, it remains the property of BBC.

**Warning:** This story has nothing to do with s04e03, but it DOES take place after that episode, so if you haven't seen it...

* * *

><p><strong>Tale of a Pre-Aged Merlin<strong>

Merlin was tired of people always treating him like an idiot.

It didn't matter if what he said was wise or foolish– no one ever paid any attention to him. He was blamed for every little thing that went wrong, and when he _did_ do something right, he was never given any credit.

But no more. Merlin had decided that enough was enough. It was high time people started listening to him around here. He had been thinking about it for quite some time, and he had finally thought of a way to get people to take him seriously.

He was going to grow a mustache.

Not a big one, mind you, but something impressive that would _hopefully_ cause people to realize how _wise_ and _mature_ he was. There was only one problem with Merlin's ingenious plan: He couldn't grow facial hair to save his life.

This, however, was only a minor snag, for Merlin had long since discovered that many of life's _problems_ could be solved by a little bit of magic. He hadn't been able to find any mustache-growing spells in his magic book, but he _had_ come across an aging-spell that _should_ bring about the same result.

Checking to make sure that Gaius wasn't around– he'd probably just tell Merlin off for using magic frivolously– the young warlock gently stroked his upper lip and whispered the magic word.

"_Forealde_."

He was careful to use as little of his magic as possible, hoping that this would decrease the potency of the spell to only a few years. Looking in the mirror, he saw that the spell had indeed worked. A beautiful mustache had sprouted above his lips, giving Merlin– at least in his own mind– a rather sophisticated appearance. Other than his new hair growth, there was nothing different about him, and Merlin was pleased that a spell had decided to run smoothly for once.

With this happy thought running through his head, the boy left his room and set off to astound people with his new feature. He grinned as he considered how Arthur would react, since the young king didn't seem able to grow facial hair either. This was going to be fun…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

That morning was one of the best of Merlin's life. Everywhere he went, people stopped to nod in his direction or to compliment him on his new mustache. Oh sure, he got a _few_ strange looks, and Arthur had outright laughed in his face (Jealousy, Merlin thought), but, overall, people had been very impressed and much more willing to listen to him. Why hadn't he thought of this sooner?

It wasn't until early afternoon that things began to go wrong.

Merlin was in Arthur's chambers, polishing his boots, and the king was watching him. No, not _watching_, exactly. He was _studying_ him, staring as if Merlin was some kind of weird creature.

"Is something wrong, Sire?" Merlin finally asked, with only a hint of mockery in his tone.

Arthur's eyes widened in shock, not at the words– he had long since grown used to Merlin's disrespect– but at the voice. It was deeper and fuller than normal, as if its owner had lived much longer than Merlin's twenty-odd years.

His face, too, had changed. It looked older and more careworn that the one Arthur was used to seeing. In fact, everything about his manservant just seemed older.

Something wasn't right.

Merlin, meanwhile, was still staring at him, waiting for an answer. Arthur shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"Um, Merlin?" he said, scowling when he heard the tiny bit of concern in his voice. "Turn around."

Merlin raised his eyebrows but– for once– did as he was told. He found himself facing a mirror, and when he saw his reflection, he gasped. His mustache had been joined by a fair amount of stubble, his face had grown more haggard, and were those… _wrinkles_? There was only one conclusion:

The aging-spell had worked its magic _too_ well.

Merlin knew that he had to get back to his magic book quickly, before he had time to age any further. He glanced over at the stunned king and cleared his throat.

"You know, Arthur," he said, wincing slightly at the sound of his changed voice. "I'm not feeling exactly… Like myself at the moment. Maybe I should go see Gaius…"

Arthur, who had been thinking along those same lines, nodded in agreement.

"Right," he replied. "I'm coming with you."

Merlin felt his heart sink at these words. How was he supposed to fix this magical mistake with _Arthur_ in the room? He hurriedly pasted on an unconcerned grin.

"Really, Arthur, I think I can make it back to Gaius's chambers on my own."

But Arthur shook his head and frowned. "What if you turn into a doddery old man on the way there? You might fall down a flight of stairs and hurt someone."

In the end, Merlin had no choice but to let the king come along and pray that Gaius knew a non-magical remedy for this affliction (And hope that Arthur didn't stop to wonder _why_ his manservant was suddenly aging so rapidly).

After several minutes– with Merlin getting older at each one– the pair arrived at the physician's chambers and stepped inside. Gaius looked up from his work as they entered and promptly dropped the glass vial he was holding.

"Is that… _Merlin_?" he gasped, staring at his ward in shock and confusion (And also a bit of anger as he began to guess what had happened).

"Afraid so," Arthur answered, shoving the other man forward. "Any idea what's wrong with him?"

As Merlin stumbled forward, he caught another glimpse of his reflection and groaned at the sight. He was now on the older end of middle-age, with long, dark hair and a thick beard– both of which were heavily streaked with gray. If this continued for much longer…

"It's too soon to tell, Sire," Gaius said, interrupting Merlin's thoughts. "But if I had to guess, I'd say magic was involved."

Merlin gaped at his mentor. What was he _thinking_? He might as well have announced to all the world that his ward was a warlock!

Arthur, however, merely nodded.

"I suspected as much," he declared. "But who would put a spell on _Mer_lin?"

Gaius shrugged. "Perhaps Morgana?" he suggested weakly. "She could hold a grudge against him for helping you to defeat her immortal army."

Arthur snorted at the thought of Merlin actually _helping_ but decided to accept this explanation for now.

"Do you know of any way to change him back?" the king asked. "I can't exactly have a manservant who…"

His voice trailed off as he glanced at Merlin. His annoyed expression was quickly replaced by one of confusion, shock, and even… _rage_?

Merlin glanced down at himself. His long beard had turned as white as snow, and his hands were now old and wrinkled. With growing panic, Merlin realized why the king looked so outraged.

_Oh no. Oh, PLEASE, no…_ He thought desperately. But Arthur's reaction confirmed his fears.

Leaping to his feet, Arthur drew his sword and held it to Merlin's neck.

"_Dragoon_!"

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, so: The title of this fic is based off the title of an actual baby!Merlin story (Tale of a DE-Aged Merlin). I have never read that story, so don't think that I'm making fun of that one specifically. I'm sure it's a perfectly lovely fic. I've just always found it funny that there are SO many stories where Merlin turns into a baby! Anyway, that got me thinking about what would happen if, instead of a de-aging potionspell, Merlin had an AGING one, and it caused him to turn into Dragoon in front of Arthur. Hopefully you found the idea as funny as I did...**

**I realized after writing this that I must have some strange obsession with hair because SEVERAL of my fics have had to do with it (Eyebrows, baldness, haircuts, mustaches...). Weird. Also, I realized that this could be classified as poking fun at two things: Baby!Merlin fics and reveal-fics (Since it kind of, sort of IS a reveal.).**

**Thank you again for reviewing, alerting, favoriting, whatevering this story, and please continue to do so! It feels so very wonderful and makes me believe I might actually have a future in writing (Literary world, look out!)!**

**The spell that Merlin uses (_Forealde_) is a command meaning "grow up," "age," or "mature." (But you probably could have figured that out!)**

**I don't know when my next fic will be up. If I can get it done in time, I'll post it tomorrow. If not, it probably won't be for another week because I'm visiting family for Christmas. So if you want one more story before the break: please review! :D If not, then this is goodbye for awhile, and I hope you all have a WONDERFULLY MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

**With tidings of comfort and joy,**

**DeleaMarie :)**


	22. A Trick Up His Scarf

Hey everybody! Long time, no write, right? :) I'm REALLY sorry for not posting on Thursday (especially since I said I would try if people commented). I decided to update my other story instead because those poor readers had been waiting quite a long time for a second chapter (Plus, those readers are Quogan fans, so they're obviously more needy. :D). To those of you who commented: Thank you so much for taking the time to write something! It made my Christmas just that little bit sweeter! :) Anyway...

**Description:** The final showdown between Merlin and Morgana

**Disclaimer:** For Christmas, my family and friends all chipped in to buy me the rights to Merlin, so I never have to write another one of these disclaimers again (And if you believe that...)

**Warning:** Character death; also, this story takes place an unspecified amount of time after season 4 episode 3 (_The Wicked Day_), so it's kind of required that you've seen that (But it's completely independent of any later episode).

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><p><strong>A Trick Up His Scarf<strong>

Things had gone on long enough.

The Knights of Camelot– with some secret magical assistance– had just beaten back another of Morgana's attacks (What was this now, the ninth? Didn't she know when to call it quits?). The attacks were getting more and more desperate, and Merlin had decided it was time to put the little nuisance out of her misery.

He was finally going to face her.

Not as Dragoon, her old foe. Not as Merlin, her old friend. But as Emrys, her destiny and her doom.

Gaius and Gwen were down in the infirmary, tending to the wounded, and Arthur had called a meeting with his knights, so it would be quite some time before Merlin was missed. He would have liked to say goodbye– just in case– but he knew that there wasn't time (And he planned on coming out of this alive, so it really didn't matter much, anyway.).

The young warlock easily slipped past the castle guards– _too_ easily; he'd really have to talk to Arthur about them– and headed into the forest. He knew the location of Morgana's hovel and figured she would return there to once again plot her revenge.

Since he could move much faster when not in his old man form, Merlin quickly arrived at the witch's hut. Once there, however, he paused for a moment to consider how to proceed.

If he knocked, she _might_ assume that it was Agravaine and open the door. Then he could blast her to pieces before she even had a chance to open her mouth.

Unfortunately, Merlin was much too honorable to resort to something so unsportsmanlike, so he settled for just shouting her name and hoping for the best.

After several moments, the door slowly creaked open, and Morgana's pale face poked through the opening. When she saw who had called her, she smirked.

"Merlin," she purred. "How good of you to drop by. Is Arthur here, too, or did he send his servant to do the dirty work for him?"

Merlin shook his head, a glare replacing his customary grin.

"I came alone," he said. Then he added, "I came to end this."

Morgana's first instinct was to laugh at his words. What hope did _he–_ a bumbling, idiotic _servant_– have of defeating _her_, the most powerful sorceress alive? Sure, he seemed to possess an unusual amount of courage– not to mention, an insane amount of luck– but did he really believe that was enough? He must be an even bigger simpleton that she had thought.

The witch opened her mouth to say as much but stopped when she saw the look in Merlin's eyes. It was hard, determined, commanding, and– dare she say it– _powerful_.

This was not the young man she had once known.

In that instant, it all seemed to click for Morgana– the impossible escapes, the miraculous recoveries, and how the boy always figured out and foiled her evil plans.

Merlin was a sorcerer.

Merlin was _Emrys_.

The man, her mortal enemy, smiled grimly when he realized she had reached the inevitable conclusion.

"Yes, Morgana," he said in a low voice. "I am Emrys. I am your doom."

"We'll see about that!" Morgana hissed. "_À__cwylme n__é__adwr__æ__cl__í__ce eac heofonf__ý__r_!"

A bolt of lightning shot from her hand and struck Merlin squarely in the chest, sending him flying into a tree with a sickening thud.

Morgana smirked once again. So much for the mighty Emrys…

However, her joy rapidly turned to shock and horror as the warlock simply stood up, appearing unharmed and– if it was possible– even _stronger_ than he had before.

"I warned you, Morgana," he murmured, his eyes sparkling as if he knew some great secret. "This ends here."

With that, he stepped forward, raising his hand and pointing to Morgana. When he spoke, the earth seemed to tremble at the power in his voice.

"_H__é__o hw__æ__ne ge__à__bradwed, __à__bradwe_!"

It was over almost as soon as the words left his mouth. Raw energy surged out from him and through Morgana, taking her life with it.

Merlin slowly lowered his hand and walked over to the body of his former friend. When he was certain that she was really dead, he reached under his scarf and pulled out a necklace– the same spell-reversing necklace that Morgana had used to kill Uther. Looking back and forth between it and Morgana, Merlin grinned cheekily.

"I should have thought of this _ages_ ago!"

* * *

><p><strong>Seriously, if Merlin wore the necklace during his magical fights, nothing could ever hurt him (unless, of course, someone blasted him with GOOD magic, but let's not go into that...).<strong>

**This story is actually an adaptation of another baby!Merlin parody idea that I had. In the original, Merlin is wearing the necklace to protect himself from Morgana's spells, and she ends up hitting him with a youth spell, turning him into Dragoon in front of Arthur (Arthur doesn't know about Merlin's magic, and Morgana MIGHT- I didn't really think it through much, since I knew I wasn't going to use it.).**

**Morgana's spell (loosely) means "Kill violently with lightning" (Isn't that lovely?), and Merlin's means "She who has killed, be killed" (Again, lovely).**

**I know this AN is already far too long, but I have a question for you all regarding my little parentheses notes in my stories. Are they annoying? Distracting? Confusing? Weird? Funny? If you don't like them, tell me, and I'll stop putting them in (At least in my fics- my Author's Notes will still be full of them!).**

DeviousDragons:** Yes, I did update- thanks for noticing! :) I'm glad that fact makes you so excited!**

Bottled Sunshine: **Thanks for the comment! I'm so happy you thought it was funny! Sorry it took me this long to respond.**

**One more thing (And don't roll your eyes!): Life is still crazy at the moment, so my updates are going to continue to be inconsistent. I'll try and post a new story tomorrow, but that depends on if I can get it finished in time. Reviews really do help, so... :)**

**Till next time!**


	23. Mischief Managed

You know what's fun? Having conversations with funny people. _Especially_ text or private messaging conversations because then you both actually have time to think of clever responses. :) I was just re-reading some of the PM conversations I've had about this story, and let me say, you guys are seriously funny! And so, this story is dedicated to the person who seems to have made it her personal mission to upstage my stories with her hilarious comments! :D

**Description:** Gwaine and Percy are in the mood for some mischief

**Disclaimer:** Hmmmmm, if I owned Merlin... No... It's best not to give me that type of power...

**Dedication:** (I've never done one of these before) To whitecrossgirl because: 1.) She's awesome, and 2.) She provided the prompt for this story (I changed it a bit, though. Hope you don't mind!)

* * *

><p><strong>Mischief Managed<strong>

or

**Don't Count Your Chickens**

Not a lot was known about the muscular young warrior who had helped Arthur to overthrow Morgana during her reign of terror. Sir Percival was a man of few words, and people were content to respect his privacy (Then again, who would argue with someone that big?).

Very few were aware that underneath his quiet, serious exterior was a mischievous streak that was always looking for an opportunity to come out (Particularly when Gwaine was around to encourage it.).

Normally, Percival worked hard to keep his troublemaking side under wraps, but he had been a Knight of Camelot for roughly a year now, and he was starting to get bored. After all the training, protocol, and save the world business, he was itching for some good old-fashioned mischief.

So it was that, just before the feast on Samhain's Eve, he and Gwaine could be seen pacing outside the castle's kitchens, mouths watering and devious minds racing.

The cooks of Camelot were famous throughout the kingdom for their short tempers and fierce protectiveness of their food. Nobles and commoners alike had suffered the wrath of an angry chef when trying to sneak a bite to eat. It was rumored that even Prince Arthur himself had been whacked over the head with a ladle on more than one occasion.

This wasn't going to be easy.

Of course, for Gwaine and Percival– lifelong practitioners of pranks– the challenge itself was half the fun.

The larger of the two knights stopped his pacing for a moment to peek inside the Forbidden Room. He beckoned to Gwaine and then pointed towards a grate in the kitchen's ceiling.

A grate that just so happened to be located directly above a large pile of roasted chickens.

Gwaine grinned and slapped his friend on the back.

"Nice going, Percy! Guess you're not as thick as you look! Though if you were, I'd have to wonder how you manage to dress yourself in the morning…"

Percival rolled his eyes at the jibe. "Yeah, well, sorry I can't say the same about _you_."

"Oh really?" the other man replied, eyebrows raised. "I'll have you know that I have a brilliant plan of my _own_ to get some chicken!"

"And what might that be?" Percival asked.

Gwaine leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "I'm going to use _The Smoulder_."

"The _Smoulder_," Percival repeated skeptically. Gwaine nodded.

"I defy any woman to say no to _that_! In fact," he said, his tone becoming challenging, "I bet I can walk away from this with more chicken than you!"

Percival grinned. "You're on."

"May the best man win."

With that, Gwaine spun around and strode into the kitchen, tossing his hair cockily. Percival watched as he walked straight up to the head cook– a middle-aged woman with a bad-temper and a cast-iron frying pan.

He didn't stand a chance.

A few moments later, the long-haired troublemaker was hightailing it out of there faster than he'd ever moved in his life. He stopped once he reached what he judged to be a safe distance and carefully prodded his tender nose. When he was satisfied that nothing was broken, he turned to glare at his smirking friend.

"Not _one_ word!"

* * *

><p><strong>In case you couldn't tell, this story takes place right before the scene in 4x01 where Gwaine and Percy are attempting to purloin some poultry.<strong>

**Sorry for not getting this up sooner- writer's block is the bane of my existence. I was in the mood to write some Gwaine and Percy awesomeness, so I hope my story did them justice! I don't know if all of you have seen the movie _Tangled_, but hopefully the fic's funny even if you haven't (If Gwaine is Flynn Rider, I guess that makes Percy Maximus!) :)**

**The first title is a reference to _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban _(So I guess I'm comparing Gwaine and Percy to Fred and George, as well!).**

**As you may have noticed, I decided to keep putting parenthetical remarks in my stories (Thank you, **GracefulLikeAGazelle**, for being the only one to vote! :D).**

**One more thing: If I created a poll for which of my stories you like best, would you guys vote? I don't really know what the purpose of it would be... It'd just be cool to know which one's the most popular. If you want, though, you can just leave a comment and tell me. ;)**

**That's all for today! Thanks for reading and (possibly) reviewing! Have a wonderful New Year's Eve!**


	24. The Early Bird Gets the Worm

This is my first story of the new year! :) I'm still very busy (Which is why it's been a couple days since my last update), but I'm beginning to get a tentative idea of my schedule, so hopefully updates should start getting more consistent in the future!

My last several stories have all taken place in season four for some reason, and this one does, too. To any of my readers who haven't seen season four yet– I'm sorry! This is where my Muse is taking me, and I'll try to have some non-spoilerish stories soon!

**Description:** Camelot is under attack by malicious monsters (I'm not telling you any more!)

**Disclaimer:** In case you missed the last 23 disclaimers: I don't own Merlin.

**Warning:** Takes place after 4x04

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><p><strong>The Early Bird Gets the Worm<strong>

Merlin knew that something was wrong the moment Arthur walked through the door to Gaius's chambers.

Not only was it Merlin's day off– though it wasn't as if _that_ had ever stopped Arthur from hunting him down and giving him chores– but it was also far too early for the king to even be _awake_, much less up and about.

"Merlin, there's something I need to tell you," Arthur said, looking slightly annoyed. "As much as I hate to admit it… You were right."

Oh yes, things were _definitely_ very wrong.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Merlin finally found his voice. "I'm sorry... What was I right about, exactly?"

The king sighed, running his hand through his messy blond hair. "The castle… is infested with woodworms."

Merlin gaped at him.

"I know," Arthur continued, misinterpreting Merlin's shock. "I'm just as surprised as you are that you were actually right about something." He snorted. "I suppose it was _bound_ to happen eventually…"

"But… But how do you _know_ that the castle has woodworms?" Merlin interrupted, still completely taken aback by this information.

The other man grimaced, a disgusted expression on his face. Suddenly Merlin wasn't so sure he _wanted_ to know the answer.

"Let's just say that I'll be sleeping in a guest bedroom for the next couple days…" Arthur informed him, shuddering involuntarily.

"Aw," Merlin said, his smile containing perhaps a _hint_ of mockery. "Is the mighty king of Camelot afraid of a few little bugs?"

Arthur scowled at him and replied with the sort of wit that befitted someone of his noble rank.

"Shut up, Merlin."

Merlin grinned but decided to drop the subject before the king started throwing things.

"So… How exactly are we going to get rid of them?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Arthur frowned. "I bumped into Gaius a bit ago, and he told me that he _should_ be able to create a repellant of some sort… But we'll have to tear out the floors first."

"Tear out the floors?" Merlin repeated nervously, immediately thinking of a certain magical book he currently had hidden under a loose board in his room.

"Oh, just the wooden ones," Arthur assured his friend, unaware of the true cause of his distress. "And it's not as if _you'll_ have to do any of the work– I doubt those skinny arms of yours could do much of anything, anyway." He rolled his eyes at Merlin's outraged look and continued. "I have Camelot's three Court Carpenters on their way here now. They can start ripping up your floor as soon as they arrive."

"But there _aren't_ any woodworms here!" the boy protested.

"Doesn't matter," Arthur replied. "We have to take every precaution, or else we'll end up with Camelot eaten out from under us! Now, start clearing up some of this mess! The carpenters will be here any minute."

"What, so soon?" Merlin asked, trying to stall. "And before breakfast?"

Arthur shrugged. "This _is_ when the worms are most active."

Merlin attempted one last time to change his mind. "Sire, are you absolutely _certain_ that we have to tear out the floors? I mean… Who's to say that we even have to use Gaius's repellant? Have you thought about trying Gwaine's socks instead?"

The other man smirked at this. "It _did_ cross my mind… But then I decided that I'd take the worms over the stench any day, so…"

Arthur's next words were drowned out by a loud knocking at the door.

The carpenters had arrived.

The three men bustled into the room, each one wearing a belt with a wide array of tools. They stopped in front of Arthur for a moment to pay their respects and then– before the warlock could even _think_ about saying anything– headed to Merlin's room and began to work. Any hope the boy had had to somehow sneak his book of spells out from under their noses disappeared instantly.

_I can't believe it!_ Merlin thought miserably. _My destiny destroyed by a bunch of bugs!_

His worst fears were confirmed a few minutes later when one of the carpenters shouted to Arthur, urging him to come quickly. Merlin followed his friend up the steps and peeked into the room.

Sure enough, the men had found the loose board and had lifted it up to reveal a gaping hole in the floor. Arthur turned back to face him, shock written across his every feature.

"Merlin!" he exclaimed. "What is _that_?"

The warlock blinked and smiled innocently. "I believe it's called a _hole_, Sire."

Arthur scowled. "And what, exactly, is it doing in your _floor_?"

Merlin shrugged and chuckled weakly.

"I guess the woodworm problem is worse than we thought…"

* * *

><p><strong>I know I already did a fic with woodworms as the punchline, but I thought this idea would make a pretty good story. I have an idea for a second (and possibly third) part, so if you'd like to see itthem let me know! (The third part would have Gwaine, if that influences your votes any... :D)**

**I'm going to make a valiant effort to keep this AN short, but I have a question for you all (And yes, I know that I already asked you a question at the end of the past TWO stories. What can I say? I'm a curious person.). What kind of humor do you like best for the stories? Do you like it when they're funny because of the random silliness (Like the Beaver Saga), or because of banter and jokes throughout the fic (Like this last one), or because of a clever, witty, or humorous last line (Though I _do_ try to end every story with a funny last line)? Please tell me! I know that humor is subjective, so I'd like to know what you all like best!**

**Oh, and this story once again contained a completely unprovoked little verbal Gwaine bashing. If this is love, I'd hate to see what I do to characters I DON'T like! :)**

**Thanks for taking the time to read this, and please don't forget to review (and favorite or story alert, if you haven't done that yet! :D). You all are amazing, and I'll "see" you next time!**

**P.S. I've officially decided that I will not be able to update on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so the only time you'll get a story on either of those days is: 1. If it suddenly gets declared a national holiday. Or 2. If I haven't posted in awhile, and I'm feeling so guilty that I will foolishly put off more important things to give you a story. :) Other days I'm not so sure about, but I'll try to update as often as I can!**


	25. Book of Secrets

Happy Sunday, everyone! Is it a happy Sunday? I hope so!

**Description:** Sequel to The Early Bird Gets the Worm (Because _chrisandersenyuki_ requested it)

**Disclaimer:** Despite all my pleading, threatening, and puppy-dog eyes, BBC refused to transfer the rights to _Merlin_ to me...

**Dedication:** To the most amazingly, wonderfully Adam-Howard-Cool person I know: my sister. Because I know that you'll love this even if it's terrible (Though it may take you a few months to actually get around to reading it! ;D)

**Recap:** Set after 4x04; the castle is infested with woodworms, and, in order to get rid of them, all of the wooden floors must be removed. While Merlin's room is being renovated, his secret compartment under the floor is discovered. Will his magic be revealed?

* * *

><p><strong>Book of Secrets<strong>

Arthur knew that something was wrong.

Of _course_ he knew. He wasn't anywhere _near_ as oblivious as everyone seemed to think!

He noticed the way Merlin's eyes flickered about the room and the way he twitched nervously every few seconds. Not to mention, that giant hole in the floor was pretty suspicious-looking…

After combining all of these clues, Arthur was left with only one conclusion.

Merlin was hiding something.

Unfortunately, the king's brilliant deductions were interrupted when one of the carpenters spoke up again.

"Sire… You might want to see this…"

With an increasing amount of suspicion, Arthur watched as the man pulled a book out from where it had been hidden beneath the floorboards. It was old and worn, but– as far as Arthur could tell– there was really nothing special about it.

Glancing over at Merlin, however, he began to rethink his first impression.

The man had gone even paler than normal, and the panic in his eyes made Arthur's stomach lurch uncomfortably. Not that he was _worried_ about the idiot or anything. Heavens, no.

He just hadn't had any breakfast yet.

Reaching out his hand, he took the book from the carpenter. As he opened it up to the first page, he wondered briefly why Merlin looked so upset. It was just a book, after all! What was so wrong with…

Oh.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Merlin could do nothing but stare in horror as Arthur took the magic book into his hands.

He searched his mind frantically for an excuse, a distraction, _anything_, but nothing came to him.

He watched as Arthur opened it up, read the words, and realized the sudden, horrible, and inevitable truth: that his best friend, the man he trusted implicitly, was a sorcerer.

In the seconds that followed, the king's face went through a wide range of expressions. Confusion. Shock. Outrage. Betrayal. And something else that Merlin couldn't identify.

Arthur looked up, and their eyes locked.

"I can explain…" Merlin said, almost pleading. His voice was so hoarse, the words were barely above a whisper, but Arthur heard them. At that moment, he seemed to come to a decision about something.

"Well, I should hope so!" he replied, his face unreadable. "I never would have expected you to do something like this!"

Merlin opened his mouth to explain– though he had no idea what he was going to say– but Arthur cut him off.

"I mean," he continued, "I always knew you were a _girl_, Merlin, but this?" He snorted. "A _diary_?"

This statement was so unlike anything Merlin had been expecting that it took him several moments to comprehend what Arthur was saying. Using his astounding mental capacities, however, he was soon able to form a coherent response.

"Wha-?"

Alright, _semi_-coherent.

Arthur looked at him pointedly. "There's no use denying it, _Merlin_. I can see what's right in front of me!"

"But I don't…"

Before the protest was even halfway out of his mouth, however, something clicked, and Merlin was struck by the truth.

Arthur was _covering_ for him, protecting the man who had been lying to him for five years.

Protecting a sorcerer.

Arthur rolled his eyes when he saw that his friend had finally reached this realization. For someone who had managed to hide such a big secret for so long, he sure didn't think very quickly on his feet! With _that_ kind of head on his shoulders… Well… He was just lucky it was still there.

Shaking his head slightly, Arthur handed the book to Merlin. As he did so, the king gave the warlock a look that said quite clearly that he would have some major explaining to do in the near future.

But Merlin found that he didn't care. Arthur knew his secret, and he was _still_ willing to trust him. Everything he'd hoped for was beginning to come to pass. He would just have to keep his secret from the world for a little longer, and then…

"Sire!" one of the carpenters called out _yet again_. Merlin was starting to wonder if the three were only there as a plot device to create pointless drama.

His suspicions were strengthened by the man's next words. "We… We found _this_ under the floor, as well…"

The carpenter held up an ancient staff, intricately carved with swirling runes and containing a mystical-looking blue jewel. Merlin and Arthur both felt their hearts sink at the sight of the obviously-magical object.

Great.

How were they going to explain away _that_?

* * *

><p><strong>Alright. So... Because I hate loose ends and plot-holes and certainly don't want anyone finding any in MY stories, let me explain something you might have been wondering about. Arthur's the king now, right? So why did it matter if the carpenters found out about Merlin's magic, as long as Arthur trusted him? Well... Magic is still illegal in Camelot and a lot of the citizens still think it's dangerous, so revealing Merlin's magic might start a panic. Plus, he's still not sure if he CAN trust Merlin- he's just willing to give him a chance to explain before he makes any major decisions. Also, since this is after 4x03, there's the whole thing with Uther... Merlin doesn't want anyone to know about his magic because it might get around to Agravaine and then around to Morgana, and it would be best if they kept her in the dark about that. Hope those are adequate reasons and cleared up any confusion!<strong>

**I'm... really not sure how I feel about this story... It took me the better part of four days to write (Worst case of writer's block I've ever had!) and caused no end of trouble! I went back and forth for awhile debating whether or not to even post it, but I decided to because of all the work I put into it. So, I'm REALLY sorry if you didn't find it funny at all. Hopefully the bit of bromance between Arthur and Merlin made up for that? *hopeful smile***

Warning- The Following Paragraph Contains Shameless Self-Advertising:** I've had some ideas for some angsty drabbles, but I'm not posting them here because of the whole "Only Humor" thing (Wouldn't THAT be a shock- come here expecting a nice laugh and end up reading a death-fic!). So, anyway, I've decided to start up an All Angst drabble series (With plenty of bromance, too!), and the first drabble should be up soon (Keep your eye out!). This means that I am now going to be dividing my time between writing for two separate stories, so the amount of reviews I get for each one will determine which gets priority (Yes, I'm susceptible to bribery). So please, if you want me to write more humorous drabbles, leave a little review!**

**Oh, and to make up for any lack of humor in this last story, I have a Merlin joke for you all. It's quite possibly the funniest (and most farfetched) thing I've ever written and probably the best joke you will ever read. Are you ready to laugh your socks off? Here we go! The joke is: _Gwaine is sober!_**

**Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Sighhhhhh... Till next time! :)**


	26. Excuses, Excuses

Hey everybody! It's time for the Apology Game! Are you ready? I'll start: 1.) I'm sorry for not posting this earlier. I have a good excuse, though—I just finished writing it this morning! 2.) I'm REALLY sorry for going a little overboard with the pity party on my last post (I feel guilty for making you feel guilty... There's irony in there somewhere, I just know it!). 3.) I'm sorry for not thanking all of you wonderful people who commented on my last chapter (The site was being obnoxious, so I just put all of my thank yous in the post-story Author's Note).

Well, I think that's about it... Now you guys can apologize for... um... Nothing, actually. You are all super awesome, and thanks for taking the time to read this!

**Description:** Merlin and Arthur once again find themselves in a difficult situation

**Disclaimer:** Do I own Merlin? What a silly question! Of course not—slavery's illegal!

**Recap:** Woodworms. Carpenters. Magic Book. Awesome Arthur. Sidhe Staff. Panic. ('Bout sums it up, don't you think?)

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><p><strong>Excuses, Excuses<strong>

"I've never seen that staff before in my life!"

The words were out of Merlin's mouth before he even had time to think about them. Arthur—shocked by this outburst—could only stare at his friend in surprise.

"Wha-?"

"It's a birthday present for Gaius!" Merlin interrupted, looking frantic.

Arthur frowned. "But why…"

"Morgana put it there to frame me!"

The carpenters stared at him disbelievingly, and Merlin paused for a moment, racking his brain for another excuse.

"I'm just holding it for a friend?" he finally suggested weakly. Arthur shook his head in annoyance. How had the man kept his secret this long when he was such a _horrible_ liar?

"Merlin…"

Whatever he had been about to say was cut off as the door to Gaius's chambers was thrown open. In strolled Gwaine—stumbling, swaying, and smelling strongly of ale.

Both Arthur and Merlin had never been so glad to see him before in their lives.

"Listen, Princess," Gwaine slurred, addressing the king. "I've got something I need to [hic!] tell you…"

"Yes?" Arthur replied, secretly offering up a prayer of thanks for the distraction. "What is it?"

Gwaine grinned and chuckled slightly, looking like he was about to reveal some great secret. As if there hadn't been enough of that already…

"Well, Sire," Gwaine said, "You know those woodworms?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Yes, Gwaine, I know about the woodworms." They were, after all, the reason for this whole mess in the first place.

"That was me," Gwaine said with a smirk. "I planted 'em"

"You… You _what_?"

Though angry, Arthur had to admire Gwaine's courage as he stood facing the king. _Most_ men would have run off when confronted with such fury, but Gwaine—whether because he was very brave, very foolish, or very _drunk_—stood his ground.

"Well, y'see…" the knight said, smiling in the face of certain death. "I heard you an' Merlin there talking the other day 'bout woodworms in the castle… an' I thought, 'Why not prove Merlin right an' knock a bit of humility into that thick head of yours? Heaven knows, you need some.' So yesterday, I put a couple little ones in your bed… I didn't expect you to make such a big deal out of them!" he added, glaring at the king as if this was all his fault.

Arthur frowned—he seemed to do that a lot whenever he was roped into a conversation with Gwaine—and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. Though Gwaine _was_ the one who had started all this trouble, he had _also_ provided them with the perfect excuse to get rid of the other men. So maybe Arthur would hold off on strangling him. For now.

Making up his mind, the king turned back to the three Court Carpenters.

"You heard what the man said," he declared. "There are no woodworms here, so it appears your services are no longer required."

"But, Sire!" the one holding the staff protested. "What about _this_?"

"What about it?" Arthur replied. "It's obviously just an old walking stick."

"But then, why was it hidden?"

The king snorted. "Have you _seen_ the thing? It's ghastly! I'd keep it hidden, too!"

"But…"

"Enough! You are dismissed!"

Under Arthur's glare, the three carpenters quickly packed up their tools and left the room—though not before shooting several suspicious glances at the king's grinning manservant.

As soon as they were gone, Gwaine turned to leave as well, eager to avoid punishment for his scheme. He was stopped, however, by a hand on his shoulder.

He turned to face a scowling Arthur, bracing himself for the worst.

"Let me guess," he said glumly. "A day in the stocks?"

Arthur glared at him for a few more seconds before his face broke into a relieved grin.

"How about Merlin and I just buy you a drink instead?" he suggested, throwing an arm over Gwaine's shoulders. The knight frowned at him, surprised by the king's lack of anger.

He'd never understand royalty.

(But who was he to pass up a free drink?)

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><p><strong><em>Don't be scared off by this insanely long AN! The important stuff is HERE<em>: Alright! I had the hardest time deciding which excuse Merlin would use, so, in the end, I just decided to use them all! Hope it added to the hilarity! There was one idea that I didn't use, however. In it, Arthur and the carpenters recognize the staff as belonging to Sophia Tirmawr, and Merlin concocts this elaborate story about how he and Sophia were secretly in love, and she was only going to marry Arthur because her father was forcing her, and THAT was the real reason that Merlin knocked Arthur out with a lump of wood when he tried to elope with Sophia! Then, they both decided that a relationship between the two of them wouldn't work, so Sophia left, giving Merlin her staff so that he would always remember her.**

**I don't know about you, but I'm cracking up just imagining that whole scenario! I wish I could have used it (Arthur's reactions would have been priceless!), but, unfortunately, it didn't really work with the story. :( Maybe some other time...**

**REPLIES TO REVIEWS:**

**bubblepunk12: **Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked my joke (and my story, too). A lot of people don't like angsty stories (I only do when I'm in the right mood), so I'll be sure to only post light and humorous ones here! Never fear!

**oceanmintleaves: **Thanks! It means a lot to know that you enjoyed it! I hope you'll come back and read some more! (If you haven't been doing that already...) :D

**chrisandersenyuki: **:) I LOVE Merlin's excuses in the show (And I can't believe Arthur accepts them!). Hope I did him justice! Thanks for reviewing!

**whitecrossgirl:** When I was originally planning this story, I was just going to skip over the part where Merlin and Arthur got away from the carpenters! But then I had so many people wondering how they were going to get out of it, so I just HAD to write that part! Oh well, at least it means you're interested... :) Thanks for commenting!

**Griffinesque: **Thanks! Your review made me smile so much! Ever since coming on fanfiction, "brilliant" has become one of my favorite words! ;)

**Bree-WolfGirl: **Glad you liked it! I totally understand about not having time, though, so don't feel bad! (For full apology, see my pre-story AN) Thanks for taking the time to review this one!

**Bottled Sunshine: **I know, right? Arthur's totally awesome! I'm glad you liked it, and I hope you enjoy my angsty fic, too! (That should be up by tomorrow) Thanks for the comment!

**GoldenAshTree: **Thanks! I don't know if five days really qualifies as updating "soon", so I'm sorry about the wait! Hope you liked this one, too!

**DeviousDragons: **Thanks for reviewing my last two stories! It means so much to me!

**Okay, that's all folks! Till next time! And please continue to review! :D**


	27. The Apocalypse

It's Thursday, everyone (Though, I assume you already knew that...)! I said awhile back that I would only post on Thursdays if it was declared a national holiday or if I felt guilty because I hadn't posted in awhile. Unfortunately, it isn't the first one, so hopefully this doesn't cut into my schedule too much! (Reviews help me justify posting! Hint, hint...)

This next story is another fanfiction parody, and it's meant to be read as a story that takes itself very seriously, but that shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone else (If that makes any sense at all...).

**Description:** There's something different about Merlin...

**Disclaimer:** Only in my dreams...

Oh, and for those of you who haven't yet seen season four: Don't worry! This one takes place sometime around late season one, early season two. And if you haven't even seen that far (In which case—why are you reading Merlin fanfiction? Do you KNOW how many spoilers there are on this site?), you're still safe, since this story isn't related to any episodes at all.

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><p><strong>The Apocalypse<strong>

The day began like any other.

Merlin roused a snoring Arthur by spouting one of his typical, way-too-cheerful-for-this-hour-in-the-morning remarks, and the prince responded by chucking whatever he could reach at his manservant's head. The same routine occurred nearly every day, and it had become almost instinctual for both of them.

Today, however, something was different.

Arthur couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he had a feeling that something was missing—something _important_. Something that was a matter of life and death.

Glancing at his friend, he realized what it was.

"Merlin!" he cried, looking slightly panicked. "What happened? Where's your…" His voice trailed off as he considered how best to proceed. There was a chance that the other man hadn't noticed what was now so painfully obvious to Arthur. If that was the case, he _definitely_ didn't want to be the one to break the news…

Merlin, meanwhile, was staring at the prince expectantly.

"Sire?" he prompted, his lips quirking in a confused smile. "Is something wrong?"

Taking a deep breath, Arthur decided to just come out and say it and hope desperately that Merlin didn't overreact.

"Well… You see, Merlin…" he stuttered, not meeting his manservant's gaze. "You appear to be… er… _missing_ something…"

Merlin's eyebrows shot into his hair. "Missing something, Sire?"

"Yes, your… um… neckerchief."

Merlin's reaction was far more violent than anything Arthur had anticipated. His eyes widened, his fists clenched, and he began to pace angrily about the room. The prince reached out his hand in an attempt to calm him down—it was just a scarf, after all—but he jerked back when Merlin whirled around to face him, fury distorting his usually-friendly features.

"_Not you too_!"

To say that this response shocked Arthur would be a severe understatement.

"W-what?" he managed to splutter, but Merlin—thoroughly absorbed in his rant—paid no attention to him.

"I mean, I wouldn't mind if it was just the one time," the man fumed, resuming his pacing. "But it's been one person after another! Gaius, Gwen, Morgana, you… Not to mention, about _half_ the servants in the castle! Why are you all so attached to that thing?"

Arthur once again found himself completely taken aback by his servant's words. "_Attached_?" he repeated, snorting in disbelief. "I'd be happy if I never saw that sad excuse for a scarf again! I just thought, you know, that _you'd_ be upset about it being gone!"

Merlin rolled his eyes. "It's a piece of cloth! I can _easily_ get another! Why does everyone seem to think that it's so important to me?"

The prince scowled. "Well, can you blame us? I mean, you hardly ever take the ratty thing off! For all I knew, it was one of your most prized possessions—why else would you wear it all the time?"

"Because my neck gets cold!" Merlin snapped. "Does it really matter? You wear your chainmail all the time, and you don't see _me_ freaking out whenever you take it off! And Gaius always wears the same robes, and Gwen only has two or three different dresses, but no one ever gets on _their_ case! What makes me so special?" With that, he abruptly stopped pacing and sat down, glaring at the prince.

Arthur took a deep breath to calm himself and then sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Maybe you have a point," he conceded. "I don't know… I just got this… this _strange_ feeling when I realized that your neckerchief was gone—like it meant something terrible was going to happen…"

Merlin scoffed. "Well, as I told you before, it's _just_ a scarf. It doesn't have any special properties or sentimental value, so stop worrying about it being missing! Nothing bad is going to happen! It's not like it's the end of the—"

It was then that they heard the first of the screams.

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, show of hands: How many of you have read a Merlin neckerchief fic before? Mhmm... That's what I thought... Now: How many of you have written or THOUGHT about writing a neckerchief fic? Yep, I see those hands. Thank you... Okay, last question: How many of you, upon seeing that this site is pretty much <em>drowning<em> in them, have wondered why on earth there are _so many neckerchief fics_?**

**For those of you who raised your hand on the last one- this story is for you! It's good to know that I'm not alone in the world... Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate neckerchief fics. I've read quite a few that are extremely funny (And even more that are extremely bizzare!). Like all the parodies I've done on here so far, this is just to poke fun at fanfiction clich****és. If you are still severely insulted that I would even DARE to mock Merlin's scarf... Well, first of all, you take things waaaaay too seriously. Second—feel free to read this as just another ordinary neckerchief fic with no sarcasm or mockery intended. It's your choice.**

**One more thing before I go: You may recall that I mentioned starting up another drabble series- one that consists completely of angst and/or bromance. Well, I'm pleased to say that I've got my first fic up, and it would mean _so_ much to me if you would check it out! The first story is light and bromancey, so it's safe even if you don't like angst! Once again, I woud be ever so grateful if you would give it a read (And maybe even leave a comment!). It's called "Angst for the Memories." Thanks! :D**

**REPLIES TO REVIEWS:**

**Lost Hope: **Okay, first of all: I am SO SO SO SO very sorry that it has taken me this long to respond! I've been meaning to reply since you first commented, but I've either been in too big of a hurry, or I've forgotten. Second of all: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It means so much to me that you liked my stories and took the time to review them! AND you were my 100th reviewer! YAY! You shall be honored accordingly with all the virtual gifts you desire! Lastly: A crack pairing with Gwaine and Morgana's hair? Weird... Is this before or during season four? If it's before... Okay, I could see that happening. If, on the other hand, it's DURING season four... Well, they do say opposites attract! ;) Once again, thanks for all of the reviews! :)

**Merlin Dude: **Thanks for commenting! I was really surprised to get reviews for my first several chapters all of a sudden, but I'm not complaining! And don't worry- I'd never get tired of people saying they think my stories are funny! So please: Review to your heart's content! :D Thanks bunches!

**Cypriana: **Thank you, too, for taking the time to review my stories! I'm really glad you found them funny, and, if you're still reading this, I hope you continue to do so!

**Alright, that's it for me! I'll try and have my next story up on Saturday! Y'all come back now, you hear? :)**


	28. Rumor Has It

Hello again! Wow, I think this is the fastest I've uploaded another story since back when I was posting daily! Weird... But I'm not complaining! Anyway, I got a request on my last fic to write a sequel, but, unfortunately, I didn't have anything planned for one. If people are interested (And if I can think of an idea!), then I'll try to write one, but for now, it will remain a one-shot (Feel free to suggest any ideas you have.).

**Description:** Gwaine has a lady friend...

**Disclaimer:** I-ay O-day Ot-nay Own-ay Erlin-may (Or Pig Latin, either, for that matter!)

**Warnings: **The whole story is based off of a line from 4x10, but, other than that, no spoilers.

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><p><strong>Rumor Has It<strong>

It was well-known throughout Camelot— and _especially_ throughout the taverns— that Sir Gwaine, Knight of the Round Table, was something of a ladies' man.

Women of all ages, ranks, and personalities instantly turned into giggling, simpering _girls_ whenever he so much as tossed his hair. He had all the looks, charm, and cockiness necessary to make him irresistible to the female population of Camelot, and he knew it.

And so, it came as a great surprise to _everyone_ when they heard that Gwaine— the Heartbreaker himself— was finally settling down.

These were only rumors, mind you, but it was amazing how quickly gossip turned to fact when bored townsfolk were involved. And, indeed, there _had_ been witnesses. Several servants reported Gwaine disappearing for hours in the middle of the day and refusing to answer any questions when he returned. Others had briefly glimpsed him walking about the streets, nearly hidden beneath a cloak and accompanied by a mysterious young woman.

Yes, in the minds of the people of Camelot, it was already settled— Gwaine had gotten himself a girl.

Gwaine's friends, on the other hand, were having a harder time believing it. Oh, sure, they had all teased him about the possibility of him falling in love, getting married, and raising a family, but none of them had ever actually thought it would happen. This was due to both Gwaine's fear of commitment— or _free spirit_, as he liked to call it— and to the fact that no woman with any sense would ever be taken in by his honeyed words.

Unfortunately, the rumors were the only source Merlin, Arthur, and the Knights _had_ for information about Gwaine and his goings-on. The man in question avoided their gazes and mumbled incoherent excuses whenever they asked him about his whereabouts. For some reason, Gwaine wanted to keep his new acquaintance a secret, and so his friends– being the honorable men that they were– agreed to stop bringing the subject up.

Instead, they decided to follow him.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

It was mid-afternoon when Gwaine left his chambers, looking more on edge than anyone could ever remember seeing him.

Merlin and Elyan, both of whom had drawn the short straw, waited a moment in a hidden alcove before stepping out after the knight. Both were nervous and were beginning to feel a bit guilty about spying on their friend, but their curiosity had gotten the better of them.

They _had_ to know what Gwaine was hiding.

They followed a short distance behind him as he made his way through the streets, ducking into alleyways whenever Gwaine glanced around. Eventually, they reached their destination: the Rising Sun Inn and Tavern.

Merlin and Elyan relaxed slightly when they realized this. They could wait out here for Gwaine and his girl to emerge and simply claim that they'd stopped by for a bit of ale (Though neither one of them was particularly known for his drinking habits.). Once caught, Gwaine would _have_ to tell them what was going on.

A few minutes after entering, Gwaine stepped out of the tavern, closely followed by a woman unlike any Merlin and Elyan had ever seen. She was, for lack of a better word, _big_. Tall, broad-shouldered, and built like a brick wall, with well-muscled arms that would give Percival himself a run for his money.

Merlin and Elyan exchanged confused glances— Gwaine usually seemed to prefer women who _didn't_ look like they could beat him up— and then walked over to the pair.

"Gwaine!" Merlin called out, attempting to appear surprised at the sight of his friend. "What are you doing here?"

Gwaine jumped about a foot in the air and spun around to face the two of them, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly and his expression like that of a cornered animal.

Elyan grinned at the panicked knight. "And are you going to introduce us to your lady friend?" he added with a smirk, obviously enjoying the man's discomfort.

Gwaine gaped at the two of them before swiftly shaking his head. "_Lady friend_?" he repeated. "No, mates, you've got this all wrong… She's… I mean, she isn't…" His voice trailed off, and he glanced quickly over at the woman, giving Merlin the strange feeling that he was slightly _afraid_ of her. This impression was strengthened when the woman leaned towards Gwaine, causing him to flinch back.

"You mean to say," she growled somewhat menacingly, "that you haven't _told_ them about me?"

Gwaine grimaced and offered the barest shake of his head in response. Then he turned to his friends and— without meeting their eyes— muttered eight words Merlin and Elyan had never expected to hear.

"Lads… I'd like you to meet my _sister_…"

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, how many of you freaked out when you heard Gwaine mention that he has a sister who is an "evil, old toad?" I, for one, was pretty gobsmacked, let me tell you! And since then, I've been wondering why nobody's written any stories about it! Maybe there are some, and I just missed them, but really! With all the "Merlin's Sister" stories out there, you'd think there'd at least be <em>one<em> with Gwaine's!**

**Anyway, I spent a bit of time trying to determine what Gwaine's definition of an evil, old toad would be and decided on an older sister who can beat him up (Not that she necessarily DOES) and who is immune to his smooth-talking charm. Someone who would tattle to Mother whenever Gwaine got in trouble or else take matters into her own hands. Someone, hopefully, like the one I wrote. I don't know if you agree, but I hope you at least found the idea interesting and/or mildly entertaining. If so, please review!**

**Sinthija: **Thanks for commenting! I'm glad that you've been enjoying my drabbles and that my Beaver Saga made you laugh! Thank you again!

**LoveCanConquerAll: **Gwaine being sober... It is a VERY strange thought... Glad it made you laugh, and thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!

**Till next time! :)**


	29. It's All Relative

Hey, it's been a week- that's the longest I've ever gone without updating! *waves hand in a vague circular motion* Life...

Anywho, I got a request for a sequel to my last chapter (Thank you, Bottled Sunshine!), which was awesome, since I was planning on doing one anyway! Yay! Now I know that at least one person will read it! :D

I also got a couple of comments from people who didn't remember Gwaine mentioning his sister, so I'll just tell you all now- he really DOES mention her in an episode! I'm not just making the whole thing up! If you don't remember, and you want to know the conversation, just PM me (Or, better yet, leave a review!), and I'll tell you! Good? Good...

**Description:** Gwaine's sister is in town...

**Disclaimer:** IDOM, to borrow from CaptainOzone (Whose story, _A Soul, a Mentality, a Name_, is excellent, by the way! Go read it! After you've read mine! :D)

**Warning:** Once again, this whole story is based on a comment Gwaine made in Season Four, Episode Ten.

**Recap:** When last we left, Gwaine had just dropped the bomb that his sister was in town. This chapter picks up right after that.

**Extra AN:** Gwaine's view of sisters does not in any way reflect that of the author (I love you, Sissy! :D).

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><p><strong>It's All Relative<strong>

Merlin gaped at the man for several seconds before pulling him off to the side.

"I'm sorry, your _sister_?" he repeated, completely shocked by Gwaine's confession. "As in, _related_ to you?"

Gwaine rolled his eyes and nodded. "I can't believe it, either… She certainly lacks my charm, doesn't she? Evil, old toad…"

Merlin glanced over at the girl, watching as a very nervous-looking Elyan attempted to engage her in conversation.

"Oh, come on," Merlin said, turning back to Gwaine. "She can't be _that_ bad…"

The other man snorted and shook his head. "She is to _me_. She's condescending, overbearing, and bosses me around like I'm her personal slave! Not to mention, she used to box my ears in at any chance she'd get when we were younger!"

"Sounds a bit like Arthur, actually," Merlin replied with a smirk. Then he frowned and lowered his voice. "But… What's she doing _here_?"

Gwaine scowled. "Ruining my reputation. Scaring off my friends. Making my life miserable. Isn't that just what sisters do?"

Merlin grinned slightly at that. "I wouldn't know— I've never had any."

"Lucky man," Gwaine grumbled. Merlin chose to ignore him.

"I don't understand, though," he murmured thoughtfully. "Isn't she, you know, a _noble_?"

"_Was_ a noble," Gwaine corrected in a whisper. "From what I can gather, it seems she was being forced to marry some pig of a nobleman— figures that'd be the only type who would take her— and so she got it into her head to run off and join her dear brother and his wonderfully _carefree_ peasant life until our mother 'comes to her senses' and breaks of the engagement."

"Well, at least she isn't staying forever, then," Merlin said, trying to cheer him up.

"You don't know my mother," Gwaine muttered darkly. "The batty old woman hasn't got a 'sense' to come to! And she's stubborn as a mule when she sets her mind to something! No, my sister's not going anywhere."

"Well, what if…" Merlin's reply was abruptly cut off by a shout from Elyan.

"Gwaine, look!" the knight called out, sounding relieved at the distraction. "Here come Leon and Percival!"

Sure enough, the two men were striding down the street towards them— no doubt on their way to the tavern after their afternoon patrol.

Gwaine took one look at them and paled. "Kill me now," he moaned to Merlin. Unfortunately, this comment did not escape the notice of his sister.

The young woman glared fiercely at him— it wasn't as if she'd _asked_ to meet all of his horrid friends, after all— and angrily marched off, shoving past the two approaching knights.

Percival, surprised by this, was knocked off-balance and tumbled to the ground, landing in a dazed heap. Merlin and Gwaine rushed over to him.

"Are you alright, mate?" Gwaine asked, looking concerned.

Percival didn't respond, instead staring openmouthed after the disappearing woman. Then he turned to his friends, a goofy smile spreading across his face.

"Who was _that_?"

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><p><strong>Yep, I really just did that. If you guys want me to continue, I could potentially have a LOT of fun with this storyline... *rubs hands gleefully* Isn't it wonderful to be able to mess with people's lives and emotions? Hee hee hee...<strong>

**Anyway, hope you guys liked it! It wasn't confusing, was it? Or boring? I hope not...**

**Oh, and GUESS WHAT! We are, at the time of my posting this, only 29 reviews away from the big 200! TWENTY-NINE! It's so close, I can almost taste it (What does 200 reviews taste like? I don't know- I'll tell you when we get there! :D)! And I can promise you: the more reviews, the faster the update (Even if you guys don't want me to continue with the Gwaine's Sister Series). Sooooooo... Review? Please, for the love of Camelot and all things Percy! (And really, don't you think Percy deserves some comfort after what I'm putting him through?)**

**P.S. If I DO continue with this storyline, what should Gwaine's sister be named? I have the habit of not naming my OCs (Don't want to get attached to them...), but I feel like it's kind of necessary in this case. Ideas?**

**Thanks bunches, everyone! See you at my next update! :)**


	30. Thicker than Water

Happy February, everyone! What's this? DeleaMarie's actually posting in a timely manner? Why, it's practically unheard of! Something must be wrong...

Nope! Nothing's wrong. I'm just so incredibly happy after the response I got for the last chapter: Ten (I'll say it again) TEN beautiful, beautiful reviews! If I was the type to weep from happiness, my computer would have short-circuited by now! And guess what! We have a new record for Most-Reviewed Chapter! :D And speaking of records, we ALSO have a new Shortest Comment. Previously held by _Tagrea_ (with my very first review ever: "I like"), the new record for Shortest Comment goes to... *drum roll*... _kaykit_! Congratulations, _kaykit_, I knew you could do it! And it's going to be pretty tough for anyone to beat your review in terms of conciseness (Though I wouldn't be surprised if people tried...)! What else can I say but: :)

Now that I've probably put that poor person off reviewing forever (I'm sorry, _kaykit_! I really AM grateful!), I want to thank the rest of you, as well! You made me feel like I wasn't crazy for checking my email every 5-10 minutes because there was actually something new in there most of the time! So a big, heartfelt thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, alerted, and just plain READ my story! I hope you enjoy this sequel...

**Description:** There's something wrong with Percy...

**Disclaimer:** How many people actually read these? How many people actually expect to see anything other than the usual "I don't own Merlin" or some variant thereof? How many people are reading this right now in the hopes that I will say something witty or sarcastic? How many people are about to be sorely disappointed? How many people think I should just get on with the story? How many questions can I possibly think of? How many calories have I burned while typing up this insanely long disclaimer? These are the questions that haunt me...

**Warning:** Though you probably remember, this whole story is based on a comment from _Herald of a New Age_

**Extra AN:** I don't own Merlin, by the way (Since I never actually "disclaimed" anything in my disclaimer...) ;)

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><p><em>Percival didn't respond, instead staring openmouthed after the disappearing woman. Then he turned to his friends, a goofy smile spreading across his face.<em>

_"Who was _that_?"_

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><p><strong>Thicker than Water<strong>

Percival's question was met with dead silence as his two friends stared at him in shock. The big man began to flush self-consciously under the intensity of their gazes. He opened his mouth to kindly ask them to _knock it off_, but— before he could do so— Gwaine leaned forward until his face was mere centimeters from Percival's own.

"Are you alright, mate?" he asked again, sounding even more worried than he had before. "You didn't hit your head, did you?"

Percival frowned, feeling inexplicably annoyed at the other man's concern. "I'm fine," he replied gruffly, shoving him away. "I was just knocked off-balance by…" His voice trailed away as he thought of the woman who had— quite literally— swept him off his feet. "By _her_…"

Gwaine stared at him with something akin to horror before burying his head in his hands.

"He's lost his _mind_!" he moaned.

Percival shot a questioning glance at Merlin, who shrugged and smiled apologetically.

"That was Gwaine's sister," he explained, looking amused. Percival gaped at him for several seconds and then shook his head in bewilderment.

"He's right," the knight muttered. "I _have_ lost my mind!"

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><p>AN: _Then his expression softened, and he sighed, putting a hand to his chest. "And now, thanks to her, I've lost my _heart_, as well..."_

**Alright! Just so we're clear: That last line is NOT part of the actual story! Do you really think I would write something so ridiculous and cheesy? Well, okay, so technically I DID write it... But I only put it in because, even now, I can't help cracking up trying to imagine Percival saying something so OOC and corny! Seriously, am I the only one who finds that mental picture hilarious?**

**Now that I have probably scared you all away with my strange sense of humor, I will say that I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I just thought it was a good place to end (Percy's in love!), and I'll make up for it by posting the next part on Friday (or Saturday at the latest). I hope you got a laugh out of it and are still up for more chapters in this series!**

**Thanks again for all the comments! I will now be expecting such a large response for every chapter (Just kidding!). And now we only have 19 more comments until we hit 200! I'm beginning to get a hint of a flavor (Something like butterflies and happiness...). Oh, and I got two suggestions for names for Gwaine's sister: Nyla and Camille (Thank you, **chrisandersenyuki **and **bubblepunk12**!). However, as I managed to write another chapter without mentioning her by name, the polls are still open! Vote for Nyla or Camille or suggest your own! You have until Friday! I myself am leaning towards combining them and calling her Camilla... (or Nylacam) ;)**

One last thing (This is for you, _TigerTiger11_): For those of you who were curious about when Gwaine mentions his sister, here's the conversation (Those of you who know or don't care can skip this section): The scene is about 15-20 minutes into the episode, right after Elyan attacks Arthur for the first time. Gwaine, Leon, and Percival are searching for Elyan, and Gwaine says that he never thought he'd see the day when they'd be hunting one of their own. Leon wonders why Elyan would attack Arthur, and Percival mentions Gwen and asks what he would do if HIS sister had been banished. Then Gwaine says, "Well, my sister's an evil, old toad, so I'd be eternally grateful."

**Thank you, once again! Please review and come back Friday for more Percival, Gwaine, and [insert name here]!**


	31. The Course of True Love

Well, I meant to get this up yesterday, but- quite obviously- I didn't. I have reasons, but I'm sure you don't care. Suffice to say: Complications arose, ensued, were overcome.

The votes are in, and Gwaine's sister now has a name! The final tally was Nyla-2; Camille-2; Camilla-3; and Nylacam-0 (Can't imagine why!). So congratulations whoever suggested **Camilla**! Wait... That was me... (No, I did NOT rig the voting! :D) Well, I wouldn't have thought of it without the help of _chrisandersenyuki_ and _bubblepunk12_, so thanks bunches, you two! And now: Part 4 of the Gwaine's Sister Series!

**Description:** Percival's in love with Gwaine's sister. What could possibly go wrong?

**Disclaimer:** To be perfectly frank, I own nothing but my computer (I don't even own my mind because I lost that years ago!).

**Warning:** I think I've officially decided that this is going to take place after season four, so maybe minor (or not so minor) spoilers in later parts? Nothing in here, though, besides the sister thing.

**Extra AN:** My Post-Story Author's Note is extremely long, but it's interesting! Really! (No, I'm not just saying that to try to get you to read it... *shifty eyes*)

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><p><strong>The Course of True Love…<strong>

An hour or so later, Merlin and the Knights were all seated around a table in the corner of the tavern. Gwaine, after ordering a round of drinks, had explained to the others exactly _who_ the woman was and _why_ she was visiting him (Though he left out the nobility part). Percival had eagerly pressed him for information about everything from his sister's name to her favorite pastime (Gwaine said it was eating kittens and scaring small children. Percival chose to ignore him.).

Halfway through their talk, the girl in question had returned to the tavern. After shooting a particularly murderous glare at Gwaine, she had settled down at a table on the opposite side of the room. Since that time, it had been all Percival could do not to stare at her, and indeed, that was precisely what he _was_ doing before a hand clapped him on the back and startled him out of his thoughts.

"Would you quit your pining and just go talk to her already?" Gwaine asked, sounding annoyed.

"I… What?" Percival responded, his face twisting in confusion.

Gwaine rolled his eyes and snorted. "Camilla!" he grumbled. "You've been gazing at her like a moony-eyed half-wit ever since she walked in! It's getting downright irritating…"

"But… But I thought you didn't _want_ me to be with your sister!" Percival said, bewildered at this sudden change.

"Of _course_ I want the two of you to be together!" Gwaine replied, an innocent smile on his face. "Nothing would make me happier!"

"You could have fooled me," the other knight muttered.

"Percy, my friend," Gwaine said, smirking and throwing an arm around his shoulders, "I wouldn't wish my sister on my worst enemy. But if you're going to her of your own accord, well, who am I to stand in the way of true love?" He paused and then added in an undertone, "Besides, _anything_ to get her away from me…"

Percival stared at him for several moments before deciding that he was telling the truth.

"Well, then… What do I say to her?" the man asked.

Gwaine shook his head. "Don't ask me, mate– this is my _sister_ we're talking about. I'm not sure _anyone_ can understand those."

At Percival's helpless look, however, he relented. "Alright," he sighed. "Just... walk up to her, compliment her, and ask her out. It's simple!"

"Out? Out where?"

"_Out_," Gwaine repeated unhelpfully. "You know– show her around Camelot, buy her a drink, battle an immortal army– just do something _fun_."

"Right," Percival murmured to himself. "Something fun."

Forcing himself not to roll his eyes at Percival's nervousness– he was hanging onto Gwaine's words as if they held the secret to life itself– the shaggy-haired knight pushed his love-struck friend over towards his sister.

Camilla raised her eyebrows as the large man stumbled into the table and mumbled an apology, not meeting her gaze. After nearly a minute of silence, however– during which he continued to stand there– the girl began to get annoyed.

"Yes?" she snapped impatiently. "Was there a _reason_ you walked over here, or do you just like bumping into things?"

"I-I was just–" Percival stuttered, his face beginning to flush dark red. Camilla nodded.

"Well, if there's nothing else," she interrupted pointedly, "Why don't you just head on back over to your friends and leave me in peace?"

"Wait!" Percival cried desperately. "I need to talk to you!"

Camilla frowned. "Why?"

"I want you to know that… That I think you're perfect!" he blurted out. Inwardly, he berated himself. _Perfect? Where had _that_ come from?_

Gwaine's sister appeared to be thinking along the same lines.

"Perfect?" she scoffed. "Is this a joke? You're not drunk, are you?"

Percival hastily shook his head.

"No, I'm not drunk," he assured her. "I just… came over here to ask you something."

"Alright," Camilla said warily. "What is it?"

Percival's mind raced frantically, trying to think of something to say. A voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Gwaine's whispered, _Something fun…_

Finally, the knight found his voice. "I understand if you don't want to," he stammered, still bright red. "But I was wondering if you would maybe, possibly…"

"Yes?" Camilla prompted again, this time with a hint of a smile at the man's shyness.

"…Arm-wrestle me?" Percival finished hopefully.

Behind him, he could vaguely hear the sound of several people slapping their hands to their faces.

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><p><strong>Ah, poor Percy! The course of true love never did run smooth... I don't know about you, but I've always pictured Percy as being incredibly cute, shy, and awkward when he's in love (<em>Really<em> in love- not like Lamia Love). Plus, I think the idea of him actually asking GWAINE for advice (especially when it's about his sister) is quite funny! Then again, they do say love makes you do strange things...**

**Alright, I'm going to take the next several moments to ask something very important of you all (Well, important to me, anyway). Right now, we are a meager TWELVE reviews shy of 200 (I bet you know what's coming next), and I was wondering if maybe, possibly, we could... get them with this story? *hopeful smile* I know it's a lot (It'd be the most I've ever gotten, in fact!), and it's perfectly fine if we don't, BUT- I'm prepared to offer _incentive_ (Dun, dun, dunnnn!). Yep, other people may say they won't post unless they get a minimum number of reviews, but I'm a nice person, and I prefer bribery over threats (Plus, we all know that I'd post regardless, since I love writing so much!). Anyway, as means of encouraging reviews:**

1.** Anyone who reviews between now and the time of my next posting shall forever have their names transcribed in my Book of Awesome (Some of you are already there, but don't let that stop you! :D).  
><strong>2.** If you review, I shall try to convince my sister to name one of her children after you (You think that's mean? You should hear the names she already has picked out... I love you, Sissy!). :)  
><strong>3.** All reviewers (if they want) shall have a future story dedicated to them about the character of their choice (It can even be someone obscure like Cenred!).  
><strong>4.** If we reach 200, I shall go up to my sister and say that Merlin is better than Arthur (And probably get laughed out of the room for my trouble- she's an Arthur fan.).  
><strong>5.** I shall do a handstand for every comment that I get (I can't do a handstand. This should be entertaining...).  
><strong>6.** And finally (This is the clincher right here): If we reach 200 reviews, I promise to go the whole entire next chapter without asking for comments (Yep, even I'm kind of getting annoyed with myself! But it will still be difficult... VERY difficult.).**

**So, reviews can be anonymous, and they don't have to be long (I got a smiley face comment on one of my chapters, and it STILL let me know that the person liked it!). If you thought my story was rubbish but my AN was entertaining, you can comment on that (Though please don't tell me that my story was rubbish- I have a fragile little author's ego!). Thoughts, ideas, predictions- all are welcome! Oh! And scattered thoughout my story and AN, there are four different quotes (One in my top AN, one in the story itself, and two in the bottom) from various sources (One play, one movie, two TV shows). If any one of you can identify any (or all) of the quotes, you shall forever have a special place in my heart and be awarded with all the virtual honor I can bestow upon you!**

**Wow, that Author's Note was insanely long! But don't let it deter you! Please- leave a review! If we reach 200, I shall be eternally grateful (But I'll be eternally grateful even if we don't.). I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you SO MUCH for reading! :)**


	32. All's Fair in Love and War

I'm sorry, DeleaMarie can't come to the computer right now- she's too busy doing handstands and weeping from sheer amazement (Not a good combination for that uncoordinated klutz. I wouldn't be surprised if she broke her neck!). Don't worry, though, she'll be back in time for the post-story AN (Provided she isn't hospitalized). For now, you'll just have to put up with her real-life alter ego whose name shall remain a mystery. Be warned: I am much duller, much nerdier, and can't tell a joke to save my life (Or so my friends tell me! :D). Fortunately, DeleaMarie was able to complete this chapter before she collapsed in a gibbering, incoherent mess, or else we'd _all_ be in trouble!

**Description:** Being an epic tale of love, loss, familial reconciliation, and (Hopefully!) humor

**Disclaimer:** It is my most sincere regret to humbly inform you that, much to the chagrin of DeleaMarie and myself, I am not in possession of the rights to Merlin.

**Warning:** Do the words Season Four, Episode Ten ring a bell?

**Recap:** Gwaine's sister is in town. Percival has fallen in love and challenged said sister to an arm-wrestling match (He sure knows how to win a woman's heart! :D Wait... That was a joke! You thought that was funny, right? Right? I'd better go tell all my friends...).

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><p><strong>All's Fair in Love and War<strong>

It was nearly midnight on a Saturday, and the tavern was packed. People from all over the city crowded into the main room, hoping to get a glimpse of the momentous event taking place– Sir Percival, resident arm-wrestling champion, battling for his title against Camilla, a girl with little experience but quite the arm.

It was a match that would go down in alehouse history.

Several hours had already passed, each contestant far too determined to even _think_ about giving up. Merlin, the Knights, and most of the spectators stood behind Percival, offering encouragement and cheering him on, but Camilla held quite a bit of support, as well. Even Arthur– who had followed a tip-off from Gaius and come down to the tavern in search of his manservant– had joined the throng of people and was adding his cries to the mix.

With all the excitement, it was some time before Merlin noticed that he could no longer see Gwaine. His brow furrowing slightly, the young warlock scanned the room, searching for a glimpse of the knight. When nothing turned up, his frown deepened.

Where _was_ he?

Merlin quickly began to push his way through the crowds, hoping that Gwaine was alright. Was his sister's presence affecting him more than he let on? Was he hurt that his friends were so focused on Camilla? Merlin inwardly scolded himself for not paying closer attention.

When he reached the edge of the revelers, however, he relaxed. There was Gwaine, talking with two other men and looking– if anything– quite a bit happier than he had the last time Merlin had seen him. Spotting the manservant, Gwaine abruptly bid farewell to his companions and hurried over, a smile still on his face.

"Well, _you_ look as if you're enjoying yourself!" Merlin remarked with a smirk.

The knight sighed. "I've decided that having Camilla for a sister isn't _all_ bad," he admitted grudgingly.

"Oh, really?" Merlin replied, eyebrows raised. "And what made you change your mind?"

Gwaine grinned and pulled a large bag of coins from his pocket. "I'm taking bets on who's going to win the arm-wrestling match," he said, his eyes gleaming. "You want in?"

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><p><strong>DeleaMarie here, and I've just got to say: Gwaine, Gwaine, Gwaine... *shakes head* What <em>are<em> we going to do with you? I'm curious- did any of you actually think there was something wrong with Gwaine? Did anyone guess his true motives? To me, it just seemed like such a Gwaine thing to do... :)**

**Well, this chapter is actually the last one I have all planned out for the Gwaine's Sister Series. Obviously, it's not _really_ an ending, so if you want, I'll put my mind to work and see if we can get a few more chapters out of it (In the meantime, feel free to suggest anything you're interested in seeing in this series! The fact that Camilla is Gwaine's sister and- possibly- Percy's girlfriend certainly leaves a lot of room for humorous situations! And remember- this takes place after season four, so we can get Gwen involved, too!). :)**

**And now for my big, raving rant on the complete and utter awesomeness of my readers: Oh my _goodness_, you guys! O.O _Two hundred and seven_? _Nineteen_ reviews on _one_ chapter? I nearly had a heart attack! Either you all really liked the chapter, felt sorry for me, or really wanted the incentive I offered (Or maybe all three...). And speaking of incentive- I have officially entered all of your names into my Book of Awesome. In permanent ink, too! Yep, feel special. Also, I have performed my handstands (And failed rather epically, I might add.). I also told my sister that Merlin is better than Arthur and got slapped in the face for my trouble (In the future, I think I'll just call myself a Percy fan- it's much less dangerous!). I DID promise in my last chapter that anyone who reviewed would have the opportunity of requesting a future story about a character of their choice, but no one said anything about that, so if you want one, be sure to tell me! Otherwise, I'll just assume that you want me to continue as I have been.**

**Oh, and there's one little, tiny embarrassing point that I need to bring up. My sister is not actually expecting a child (In fact, it'll be a good ten years before she even THINKS about such things. Right, Sissy? *stern glare*). The comment about her naming her children after you was meant as a sometime-in-the-DISTANT-future thing, and I apologize profusely for any confusion that caused. You have my permission to shake your heads disapprovingly. On the bright side, though, she was very touched by all of you who offered your congratulations and sends you her thanks! And now she'll have quite the tale to tell her husband someday... :)**

**BBCfangurl: **Hey, thank you SO MUCH for your comment! I'm really glad you liked the chapter and took the time to review! As I said above, my sister doesn't really have a baby, and, again, I'm extremely sorry for not being clear about that! Want to know something _really_ _weird_, though? Chauncey is actually my sister's first choice for a boy's name. I am completely serious- it has been for YEARS. In fact, when I first read your review, I thought my sister had left it just to mess with my head and get revenge for my comment, since I'm always telling her that her son will have to grow up to be a butler! Creepy, right? So it appears that your friend may end up with a baby named after him after all! Just not for a few years... Oh, and you have officially earned 57 Awesome Points for being the only reviewer to recognize one of the quotes in my last chapter (Yep, the Robin Hood reference was intentional!). Congratulations! And thanks again!

**TigerTiger11:** Thank you! I'm so glad you thought it was funny! And thanks for helping me get to 200! Your past several reviews have meant so much to me! :D

**Linda:** :D I love shy Percival, too! He's so much fun to write! Thanks for commenting!

**Lin:** I'm glad you enjoyed my Bald Uther Series! That one is one of my favorites, and yes, the "Off with her head!" _was_ a reference to Alice in Wonderland! :) Thank you so much! And actually, I thought your grammar was quite impressive and better than a lot of native English speakers on this site! :D

**Once again, thank you all so much! You absolutely made my day (week, month, etc.) with your comments, and you shall forever have a special place in my heart (Not to get all mushy, or anything! :D). And congratulations to Sherlock Emrys, who was my 200th reviewer! You rock my sock, Sherlock (Pardon my pitiful excuse for poetry!). :)**

**See you all at my next chapter! Until then, re- Wait, I promised I wouldn't do that this time around... Hmmm... This is harder than I thought! How about: Until then, I _hope_ to hear from you (There! That _technically_ wasn't asking for reviews! ;D).**


	33. Worry Wastes Wisdom

Confession: I was planning on doing one more part in the Gwaine's Sister series, but I haven't finished writing it yet, so I'm posting this random parody-fic, instead. When (if?) I finish the last part, I'll post it, 'kay?

Confession 2: I had a ridiculous amount of fun writing this little drabblish piece.

Confession 3: I wrote it in about five minutes (Hopefully that isn't a reflection on the quality! ;D).

**Description:** In which Merlin is a clumsy idiot, and Arthur isn't worried. At all.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, rest assured that I would share him with all of you.

**Dedication:** To Lost Hope, who requested a parody of this particular cliché way back on chapter 12 (See? I DO answer prompts! It just... Takes awhile. But in the words of my favorite cantankerous toy doctor: "You can't rush art.").

**Extra AN:** This is only my second all-dialogue fic, so I _really_ hope that it isn't confusing in any way. The first section is Merlin and Arthur, and the second has Merlin, Arthur, and Gaius.

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><p><strong>Worry Wastes Wisdom<strong>

"Merlin, what are you doing on the floor?"

"Just… Checking to make sure it's clean, Sire."

"_Why_?"

"You never know when an important guest might drop by. We want to make a good first impression."

"I see. And obviously my armor is lying scattered all about because…?"

"Well, I couldn't very well inspect the floor with my hands full, now could I?"

"…"

"…"

"You fell, didn't you."

"Yes, Sire."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"It's perfect, Gaius! I _knew_ you would find a solution!"

"Indeed, Sire. We shan't have to worry about Merlin's clumsiness anymore."

"I'll say! I doubt even _he_ could find a way to hurt himself when he's like _this_! It's brilliant!"

"But Arthur! I can't even _move_!"

"Shut up, _Mer_lin. This is for your own good, you know."

"But–!"

"But nothing! Now you won't be a danger to everyone around you! And all thanks to Gaius's brilliant… What did you call it, again?"

"Bubble wrap, Sire."

"Ah yes, _bubble wrap_. We'll have to see about getting some for the knights…"

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><p><strong>I figure something as awesome as bubble wrap HAD to have been invented by Gaius... ;)<strong>

**Hee hee hee... This story actually pokes fun at the very thing I love most about Merlin fanfiction: Overprotective!Arthur. Ohhhhh, how I love him! Seriously, did you think I read Merlin whump because I liked seeing him get hurt? I'm not THAT horrible! :D Nope, it's all for the chance of seeing Concerned!Angry!Guilty!Overprotective!Brotherly!Arthur. But even with my somewhat-obsessive love for it, I do realize that it is one of the most common storylines this fandom has ever seen, so I have put aside my personal feelings to give you this fic (And it was actually one of the most fun to write!).**

**Way back on Chapter Two, LunaShadowWolf13 requested a Merlin-Whump/Brotherly!Arthur fic, and I just realized that this can count for that, too! Ha! Just ignore the fact that this is TECHNICALLY a parody, and we'll kill two birds with one stone! Wow, sometimes I amaze myself... :P**

**Random Fact for Y'all: January 30th was National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day in the US of A (Apparently, it's always the last Monday of January). So let me ask you- did you appreciate your bubble wrap? I know I did! If not, be sure to mark your calendars for next year because bubble wrap is awesome and seriously under-valued in our society.**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	34. Snap, Crackle, Pop

Happy Monday, my fair friends! It's drabble time! This is my very third drabble I have ever done in this fic, so hopefully it turned out alright!

**Description:** Arthur isn't bothered. Nope, not one bit.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, I would actually be able to wake up on a Monday with a smile on my face!

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><p><strong>Snap, Crackle, Pop<strong>

_POP!_

Arthur cringed at the sound, gritting his teeth and grasping his quill pen with perhaps a _bit_ more force than was necessary.

_SNAP!_

_POP!_

_SNAP!_

He _would_ ignore it, would _refuse_ to rise to the bait being offered.

_POP!_

_SNAP!_

_POP!_

_POP!_

In fact, it really didn't bother him at all. Nope, not one bit.

_SNAP!_

_POP!_

_CRACKLE!_

_SNAP!_

It was actually kind of soothing.

_POP!_

_SNAP!_

_POP!_

_POP!_

_SNAP!_

Yep, definitely didn't bother _him_. Not one teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsy…

_SNAP!_

_POP! _

_CRACKLE!_

_POP!_

_SNAP!_

_POP!_

_POP!_

_SNAP!_

_POP!_

"_Fine_, Merlin! You can take off the bubble wrap!"

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><p><strong>I originally wasn't going to do a sequel to my last story, but then this idea hit me, and I just thought it was totally something Merlin would do (You know, if they HAD bubble wrap back then...). I'm curious: Was it really obvious at the beginning what was going on? Or did the ending surprise you?<strong>

**I received a challenge awhile back to start writing shorter stories again (My first six chapters were all around 200 words or less.), and this one and the previous one are my attempts at picking up that gauntlet. I'd REALLY like to know what you all think of them. Should I post a couple more short ones or would you prefer another series? Are my all-dialogue fics funny or confusing? Please tell me!**

**Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and remember: Reviews = Happy DeleaMarie = Lightning-Fast Updates**

**Until we meet again!**


	35. Lost by a Nose

Greetings, my fair friends! My internet keeps going in and out, so I'm going to make this author's note quick!

**Description:** Magic is evil. Uther is not. Therefore, Uther does not have magic.

**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaiming rates apply.

**Warning:** This takes place in early season 3 (But it doesn't contain any spoilers for that. Yet.).

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><p><strong>Lost by a Nose<strong>

There was a sorcerer in Camelot.

Uther knew it was there– he could _sense_ it. It was as if all the years spent hunting down witches and warlocks had given him the ability to tell when one was nearby…

Of course, the blatant use of magic right in front of him also helped a bit.

Because really, how else could his curtains have caught fire when he looked at them? And why else would windows break every time he sneezed? It certainly wasn't because _he_ had magic. No, so the only _logical_ explanation was that a real sorcerer was hiding somewhere close by and wreaking havoc on both his castle and his emotions.

If only Uther could _find_ him…

He had sent guards out to search the building, but he wasn't all that confident in their ability to apprehend a magician, since they couldn't even seem to keep one _locked up_ most of the time.

Still, after three hours of waiting, Uther's patience was beginning to wear thin.

"Incompetence!" he growled, as he paced across the throne room. "Surely it can't take _that_ long to catch a sorcerer! He's performing _magic_, for goodness' sake! It's not exactly inconspicuous…"

Frustrated, he slammed his fist against the wall, causing several stones from the ceiling to crash to the floor. Alarmed at the noise, four guards came rushing into the room (Had they just been standing outside the door this whole time? No wonder the hunt was taking so long!).

"Sire!" one of them gasped, staring at the bits of masonry littering the ground. "Are you alright? What happened?"

Uther froze and inwardly cursed the sorcerer for putting him in such an awkward situation.

Clearing his throat, the king decided to bluster his way through it. "It was the sorcerer!" he exclaimed. "He… er… attacked me! I managed to scare him off, but he's probably still nearby! If you hurry, you can catch him!"

Without a second thought, the guards turned around and started for the door. But just as Uther was congratulating himself on averting disaster, he felt it.

A slight tickling in his nose.

_Oh no. Oh, please, no…_ he thought desperately, but the sneeze wouldn't listen. It exploded out of him like a great wind, shattering the windows that lined the walls and sending glass shards flying in all directions.

The guards whirled around, staring dumbstruck at their king. One of them slowly approached Uther, a hand on the hilt of his sword.

"Sire?" he asked hesitantly. "Did… Did _you_ do that?"

"W-what?" Uther spluttered, trying to sound outraged. "Of course not! It was obviously the magician! Now leave me, and go find him!"

"I think we already did," another guard murmured, stepping forward to join the first. "Who are you, and what have you done with our king?"

Uther gaped at him. "I _am_ your king! The sorcerer is framing me! He… is… trying… to… to… _ACHOO_!" Another sneeze burst out, sending the two men before him flying. The other guards reacted instantly, rushing forward and grabbing Uther's arms.

"You're under arrest," the one on his left snarled. "Maybe a few days in the dungeon will convince you to tell us where the king is!"

Uther struggled vainly against their hold. "I already told you!" he shouted. "I _am_ the king! This is treason! I–"

Suddenly, his rant was interrupted by a voice echoing inside his head.

"I _told_ you I would have my revenge," it whispered, chuckling diabolically. "Now that you're out of the way, Camelot will be mine, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Uther jerked around, his eyes widening as he found the source of the voice sitting on his throne.

"You!" he gasped. "Guards, look! It's the _real_ sorcerer!"

The man on his right turned around also and snorted, shaking his head.

"Please," he scoffed. "Do you honestly expect us to believe that a _beaver_ has magic?"

* * *

><p><strong>Right... So... He's back! It's been over two months since he last made an appearance (And almost thirty chapters!), so I hope you all haven't completely forgotten about him... (The Evil Beaver Saga was chapters 6, 7, 8, and 9, if you want to refresh your memory.)<strong>

**I got a mixed reaction for The Beaver last time he was around, so I'd really like to know what you all think about his reappearance (And this chapter, since I'm not 100% sure about it...)! I have ideas for more parts, but whether or not I continue this series depends on your response...**

**Anyway, thanks for reading! I'll try to have the next chapter up on Monday! Until then...**

**P.S. Anyone else think it's weird that the guard looks back at the beaver and doesn't find it strange that a woodland creature is just _sitting on Uther's throne_? (Then again, the castle guards of Camelot are not exactly well-known for their astute mental abilities! :P)**


	36. Don't Question It

Hello, hello, hello! And hello again! Isn't it a _beautiful_ day? Why so chipper, you may ask. Well, I'm not really- I'm just trying to put a brave face on it because today is the last day before... _Lent_! And I'm giving up... _fanfiction_! (Dun, dun, duuuuuun) However, because I know (hope) that y'all would miss me if I was gone for forty days, I'm just fasting from _reading _fanfiction, not writing it. So if I'm in the habit of reviewing one of your stories... ummm... It may be awhile... ;)

Anyway, here's what you really care about: Part 2 of the "Return of the Beaver" Saga (Hmmm... That name might need some work...)

**Description:** Uther has been accused of performing magic. Can he prove his innocence?

**Disclaimer:** Whatever I have disclaimed in the past, I continue to do so.

**Extra AN:** Remember- early season 3 (Oh, and I've decided that the first Beaver Saga took place near the beginning of season two, so it's been a few years since then.)

* * *

><p><strong>Don't Question It<strong>

Uther Pendragon had never been in a dungeon before, and he was just now beginning to realize how incredibly _uncomfortable_ they were.

The hard stone walls were wet and slimy, and water dripped constantly from the ceiling. Rats skittered about in the shadows, along with several other creatures that made the king grateful for the darkness. And though he ached from standing in this prison for the better part of an hour, the hay strewn across the floor was too moldy for him to even _consider_ sitting down.

All in all, not very pleasant.

"Maybe I should think twice before locking Arthur up in here again," Uther murmured to himself.

Amazingly– as if his words had somehow summoned the man– it was at that moment that Arthur descended into the dungeons.

The prince stopped in front of the first cell, staring at the man within and shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other. How on earth did he always end up in these situations?

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Er… Sire… Father… _Whoever you are_… Do you admit to practicing magic and enchantments here in Camelot?"

Uther gaped at him, shocked that his own son was believing this madness. "No!" he shouted angrily. "As I said before– I was framed! I am King Uther Pendragon– your _father_– and I demand to be released immediately!"

Arthur nodded slowly, still looking unsure. "You understand that you'll have to prove yourself…"

"Yes, yes, of course!" the king replied with a scowl. "Ask me anything."

"Very well. What was my mother's name?"

"Ygraine Pendragon, formerly de Bois."

"And her brother's name?" Arthur asked.

Uther frowned. "Are you referring to Tristan or Agravaine?"

"Agra– _who_?"

"Never mind," the king said, waving his hand dismissively. "He isn't important."

"Right…" Arthur racked his brain for something else to ask. "Er… What is your favorite color?"

"Red."

"Favorite pastime?"

"Watching a tournament."

"Favorite memory?"

"Certainly not this one," Uther grumbled. Arthur ignored him.

"Alright," he sighed. "One last question… What is the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?"

"I… _What_?" Uther spluttered, his expression a bizarre mixture of confusion and outrage. "What kind of a ridiculous test is that? What does that prove?"

"Just answer the question."

"Well…" Uther bit his lip thoughtfully. "Is it an African swallow or European?"

Arthur blinked. He hadn't thought about _that_.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Eventually, everything was all sorted out, and Uther was released from the dungeons. His first act as a free man was to march into the Great Hall and order the guards to arrest the beaver that was still sitting on his throne. Arthur stood behind him, protesting the entire time.

"Father," he said, trying to sound reasonable. "I agree that there must be a sorcerer here _somewhere_, but do you honestly believe that this… this _creature_ is an evil warlock bent on your destruction?"

Uther turned to glare furiously at his son. "Of course he is! He tried to kill you with that tree only two years ago! Don't you remember?"

"But Father…"

"Enough!" Uther growled. "You stopped me from killing him then– I will not make the same mistake twice!" Having said that, he faced the beaver once more.

"I hereby find you guilty of performing magic within the walls of Camelot and of conspiring to kill both myself and my son," he declared. "As such, my sentence can only be…"

He was interrupted as the doors to the room flew open and a tall, pale figure appeared in their place.

The Lady Morgana.

She took one look at the scene and shrieked– not from fear, as Uther had expected, but from… delight?

The woman raced forward and threw herself to the ground next to the beaver, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his soft fur. After several moments of stunned silence, she glanced up and met Uther's astonished gaze, her eyes wide and pleading.

"Can we keep him?"

* * *

><p><strong>Hmmm... I never really thought about it before, but I suppose that this whole series would probably fall under the heading of "crack." ;) Sooooo... What's up with Morgana? Does she have a soft-spot for small, fuzzy creatures? Or is there something more diabolical at work? Only time will tell...<strong>

**Erm... Sorry if you were seriously confused about the whole "swallow" thing. I was planning on doing something different, but then that just sort of happened. For those of you who don't know- it's a Monty Python reference. If you recognized it, please tell me! I'm going to feel like an idiot if no one did... (Oh, and if you can _answer_ the question, I will tell everyone in the next chapter, and we shall all revel in your awesomeness.) :D**

**Funny Story: When I typed "Agravaine" into my computer, the spell-check tried to change it to _Aggravating_! *smirk* So true...**

**Anything else? Hmmmm... Nope, don't think so! See you soon! :)**


	37. A Most Deadly Alliance

Oh, how I love Sundays! 12:02 this morning, I was _literally_ on my iPod reading fanfiction! :D It was the longest I've been away from it in... ever. ;)

So, it seems like pretty much everybody got the Monty Python reference in my last story, which makes me feel kind of silly for thinking people wouldn't (I tend to worry about things unnecessarily.). The answer to the question (the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow) is that the bird's wings beat 7-9 times per second (rather than 43, as the movie says).

**Description:** Part 3 of the "Return of the Evil Beaver" saga...

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Merlin, I would do my best to convince everyone to keep filming all year round so that there would never be a season break.

**Warning:** Still season three.

* * *

><p><strong>A Most Deadly Alliance<strong>

It wasn't fair. It simply wasn't fair.

Arthur worked hard at everything. He faced every challenge put before him and overcame it, no matter how difficult. He had been trained since birth to defend, rule, and possibly _die_ for his kingdom, but was that enough? Did that make his father proud of him? No. No matter what Arthur did, it was always 'Morgana this' or 'Morgana that.'

Daddy's little princess.

So, obviously, when _Morgana_ asked for something, Uther was only _too_ happy to comply. Never mind the fact that Arthur had been asking for the same thing only moments before!

No, when _Arthur_ wanted the beaver's life to be spared, he was being naïve and ignorant to the deceitful ways of sorcerers. But when _Morgana_ wanted to keep him, she was being adorable and caring about the life of a poor, defenseless animal.

It just didn't make any sense– one moment, Uther was screaming for the beaver's immediate execution, and the next, he was allowing it to live in the castle without even a warning.

It was almost as though some sort of spell had been cast on him…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

In the days that followed, the people of Camelot became used to seeing the beaver with Morgana. The two were practically inseparable and could often be found walking about the castle, the creature perched on his lady's shoulder.

And if anyone found it odd that Uther had admitted to being wrong or that Arthur was pouting in his room or that the beaver and Morgana sometimes appeared to be in conversation, well, they knew enough to keep their mouths shut (This _was_ Camelot, after all, and a very silly place.).

The Terrible Twosome themselves had by now adjusted quite well to their new partnership. It had been difficult at first– what with Morgana trying to dress the beaver in her old doll clothes, and the beaver responding by stealing all of her eyeliner– but they had quickly realized how much they needed each other. They had settled into a sort of mutually-benefitting relationship where each one taught the other everything they knew.

The beaver taught Morgana secrets and spells and how to become one of the most powerful sorcerers the world had ever seen.

And she taught him how to smirk.

* * *

><p><strong>And so, a most deadly alliance has been formed: Morgana and the beaver, the smirker and the lurker... Together, they shall become an unstoppable force that will bring Camelot to its knees (And we haven't even gotten the woodworms involved, yet! ;D).<strong>

**Little Note: Last chapter, I got TWELVE reviews, which is the second-most I've ever gotten for a single chapter. The weird thing is that it was also the lowest number of hits I've ever gotten for a chapter, meaning that 1 out of every 4 people who read my story left a review. I wish I could keep that percentage all the time! ;)**

**'Kay, so... When I started out this chapter, the only thing I had planned was the last line. The rest of the story was just kind of worked out as I went along. That being said, I hope it turned out alright, and I'd love to hear your opinions!**

**Random Fact: I just realized that this is the first fic I've ever done that didn't have any dialogue. Strange... Again, please tell me what you thought! :)**

**Till next time!**


	38. Hypothetically Speaking

'Lo, everybody! Happy weekend! The beaver story is momentarily on pause until I can think of another part, so- in the meantime- please enjoy this random, all-dialogue one-shot.

**Description:** Merlin has a question for Arthur... All hypothetical, of course.

**Technical Disclaimer:** _Merlin_ belongs to BBC and Shine.

**Personal Disclaimer:** I'm coming off of a night with an infinitesimal amount of sleep, so I honestly have no idea how good this is... :-/

* * *

><p><strong>Hypothetically Speaking<strong>

"Can I ask you a question, Arthur?"

"You just did."

"Another one, then? A hypothetical one?"

"I suppose…"

"Great! So… Um… If I was, say, a powerful sorcerer, would you turn me over to your father?"

"…"

"Sire?"

"_What did you just say_?"

"I _said_– and remember that this is all hypothetical– if I was a sorcerer, would you tell the king?"

"And _why_, exactly, are you asking me that?"

"Just curious."

"_Merlin_…"

"Just answer the question!"

"Fine! Well… You know as well as I do that magic is against the law…"

"Yes, but suppose the law is wrong."

"Suppose that's treason and the King could have your head."

"Suppose I don't care because– as a sorcerer– I'm already breaking much bigger laws just by existing."

"Suppose you shut your mouth before someone overhears you saying such things."

"Suppose I'm still waiting for an answer to my question."

"Suppose I can't remember what the question was."

"…"

"Um… Merlin?"

"_Me_, idiot! If I was a sorcerer…?"

"But you're _not_ a sorcerer."

"I _know_, Arthur– that's why it's called hypothetical. But say I was? And imagine I was… er… really powerful and used my magic to save the world."

"I don't think I _have_ that big of an imagination."

"Oh, very funny, Sire… Try not to think _too_ hard, though. You know that's not your strong point."

"At least I _have_ a strong point!"

"At least _I_ can stay focused!"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean, _Merlin_?"

"The question…?"

"Oh. Right… So, let me see if I've got this straight. You have magic–"

"Hypothetically."

"–And that means that you've been breaking the law–"

"Which, hypothetically speaking, is a very _stupid_ law."

"–Not to mention, you've been lying to me for _years_–"

"For good reason!"

"–And you want to know if I would turn you in to my father? Well, why _shouldn't_ I?"

"Because I'm your best friend?"

"…"

"Hypothetically?"

* * *

><p><strong>Again, not so sure about this one, so if you liked it, please feel free to tell me! ;)<strong>

**Also, do you guys want to take a break from the Beaver Saga for a bit, or would you rather I continue with that?**

**Marta92: **Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it (and got the Monty Python reference ;D)!

**kaykit: **:) Thanks for commenting!

**Someone Random: **Okay, your comment seriously _made my day_! Knowing that you and your sister enjoy my story so much means the world to me! Thank you!

**Until next time, my friends!**


	39. I've Got the Magic in Me

¡Bienvenido! Please come in, sit down, put up your feet... I hope your stay here is pleasant!

_TigerTiger11:_ Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it, and I always love hearing from you! :)

**Description:** Just another ho-hum magical reveal... Or not. ;)

**Disclaimer:** Yes, actually, I DO own Merlin. He sits behind my bed and looks an awful lot like a teddy bear (And he prefers the name "Merls," just so you know!).

**Extra AN:** Er... Some of you mentioned wanting to see a sequel to my last story, but that didn't happen... I'm planning on doing one eventually (Just add that to my growing list of "on-hold" stories!), but, for now, here's another random one-shot drabble! It's an all-dialogue one between Merlin and Arthur.

* * *

><p><strong>I've Got the Magic in Me<strong>

"I trust you. You know that, right?"

"Er… I suppose so…"

"And you trust me, don't you?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I need to tell you something– something I've been keeping a secret for years."

"And that would be…?"

"I have magic."

You… You _what_?"

"I have magic. I'm a sorcerer."

"You are _not_ a–"

"Yes, I am. I can perform magic instinctively."

"But–"

"No, listen! I know it sounds crazy, but if you think about it, it all makes sense!"

"You do _not_ have magic, Arthur!"

"Well, how else do you explain all those miraculous escapes?"

* * *

><p><strong>I really don't believe that our oblivious prince has managed to go so many years without noticing that SOMETHING suspicious is going on! But since "Merlin" and "magic" obviously don't compute with him, he's had to come up with some other options... ;)<strong>

**Oh! I've got some incredibly exciting news (Well, exciting to me, anyway!)! Today, the sixth of March, is exactly _100_ _days_ since I posted my very first story in this series: The Pin Is Mightier than the Sword! Can you believe it? One hundred days! And to think that this all started with just a random, stand-alone parody fic that I wrote to get my foot in the door... I never dreamed that I'd still be adding to it more than three months later! And I love you all for sticking with it this long (And I hope you continue to do so! ;P)! Thank you so, so very much! Hugs, high-fives, and awkward handshakes for everyone! :)**

**So, what do you say? Want to help me celebrate this momentous occasion? Write a review! Send a smile! Reminisce with me about your favorite fic or share a hope for a future one! Hearing from you would make this already happy day even brighter! :D And all of this would never have happened without you guys!**

**Until next time!**

**DeleaMarie**

**P.S. In case you were wondering, I posted a drabble (100 words) today on purpose. Seemed fitting! ;)**


	40. Sissy Fit

Wow, has it really been two weeks already? :s Sorry about that... Since I can't READ any fanfiction, it seems my muse has decided to go on vacation. I meant to post this yesterday, but it was my birthday, and my family decided to kidnap me, so... ;)

Anyway, hope you enjoy this long-overdue chapter!

**Description:** Tag to "The Tears of Uther Pendragon Part 1"

**Disclaimer:** Uh... No.

**Warning:** Slight spoiler for "The Coming of Arthur"

* * *

><p><strong>Sissy Fit<strong>

It hadn't been one of Merlin's best plans, he'd admit it.

Following Morgana as she sneaked out of the castle had seemed like a much better idea a couple of hours ago– back before he'd gotten captured.

Now, he was sitting in a clearing in front of Morgana and her sister, completely at their mercy. He only hoped that they actually _possessed_ some.

"So, Merlin…" Morgause's soft and sinister voice cut through his thoughts. "It appears as though you've discovered our little secret. Poor, brave, _foolish_ boy… It'll be the last thing you ever do!"

Alright, that was a _no_ for the mercy, then.

Merlin sighed and closed his eyes briefly, preparing himself to die. To his surprise, however, Morgause simply turned around and started to walk off.

Morgana seemed just as shocked by this as Merlin was. She hurriedly stepped over to her sister and placed a hand on her arm.

"Morgause," she whispered. "What are you _doing_? I thought you said we needed to get rid of him."

"We do," Morgause replied. "And we will! We're going to leave him chained up here in the woods so he can be eaten by some horrible creature!"

"But… Why don't we just kill him now?"

The other witch frowned. "What would be the point of that– he's going to die anyway."

"But what if he escapes?"

Morgause laughed. "Silly girl!" she murmured. "How is he going to escape? He's wrapped up in _chains_!"

Morgana glared at her. "Someone could always save him," she muttered under her breath. Her sister rolled her eyes.

"If it's that important to you, why don't _you_ kill him?" she asked.

"I can't do that!" Morgana protested. "I'm still new to the whole evil thing, and if I kill him in cold blood _now_, the audience might have a hard time sympathizing with me!"

"You already killed that one guard," Morgause pointed out.

Morgana snorted. "Yes… Well… He was just a nameless extra, so it really doesn't count! This is different…"

"What if I turn him into an animal first? _Then_ will it be easier to kill him?"

"An animal?"

"Yes, like a goat or something."

Morgana frowned and shook her head. "I don't think I could kill a goat. Morally."

Morgause sighed. "Well, then drop it, alright? We'll just leave him here and let the serkets finish him off."

"But why can't _you_ kill him?" her sister demanded.

"My anger management counselor told me I need to find a better way to relieve stress…"

"But aren't you supposed to be the ruthless one?" Morgana snapped. "I mean, I saw what you did to Cenred!"

"What are you talking about? I haven't _done_ anything to Cenred."

Morgana smirked mysteriously. "Yet."

"_Morgana_..." Morgause whined. "You _know_ I hate it when you spoil the future for me!"

"Well, then kill Merlin, or I'll tell you who the next winner of _Camelot's Got Talent_ is going to be!"

Morgause groaned and threw up her hands in exasperation. "Fine! If you're going to make such a big deal about it, I'll kill the boy!"

With a huff, she whirled around and came face to face with…

"Uh… Morgana?"

"Yes?"

"He… er… appears to have escaped…"

Morgana scowled and stomped her foot. "I _told_ you we should have just killed him!"

* * *

><p><strong>Because even EVIL sisters fight some of the time... ;)<strong>

**So, in the actual episode (3x01), Merlin gets captured by Morgana and Morgause, chained up, and then just left (alive and well) in the middle of a clearing. Which brings us to an important question: If the two witches are evil and have no problems with killing (as has already been shown), _why on earth don't they just kill Merlin off instead of giving him the opportunity to escape and warn everybody in Camelot?_**

**Now, I'm not a diabolical she-witch, but I think their plan would be MUCH more likely to succeed if they got rid of the one person who always defeats them (But maybe that's just me...).**

**Anywho... As I said before, my Merlin muse has left me, so I had to settle for my secondary muse (who happens to be named You-haven't-posted-a-chapter-in-two-weeks-so-get-your-rear-in-gear-and-WRITE-something) to finish this story. Because of this, I'm not so sure about how it turned out, so... Comment and tell me? :)**

**Until... Some indefinite point in the future.**

**DeleaMarie**


	41. Why the Caged Bird Sings

_Warning: The following Author's Note is absurdly long and somewhat sappy. Those with a weak constitution or a low tolerance for pathetic groveling should just skip on to the story. Proceed with caution..._

*clears throat nervously* Er... Hey, everybody! I'm Delea, remember me? Delea... Delea_Marie_? You know– crazy, charming, notoriously long-winded, and occasionally humorous? I write stories about evil beavers and bald kings and have a weird obsession with causing Gwaine physical and emotional harm (all in the name of comedy, of course!).

Now, I realize that it has been just shy of two months since my last update (Two months tomorrow, actually), so you might have forgotten about me, but hopefully this story will help you remember why you all used to love me (Or tolerate me, at any rate). Anyway, in the hope that you won't think I'm just some lazy slacker for taking a two month vacation, I've compiled a list of all the things I've accomplished during my unplanned hiatus:

1. I've completed another year of schooling and am now on summer break.

2. I've perfected my Yoda impersonation (Very impressive, it is. ;P).

3. I celebrated the fourteenth anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts (May 2nd) by driving around town in my convertible with a life-size Ron Weasley cardboard cutout in the passenger seat, singing Wizard Rock tunes at the top of my lungs, and using my Deluminator to wreak havoc on the minds of innocent muggles.

4. I calculated what percentage of the words in my story come from ANs (approximately 53 percent... Sad, isn't it?).

5. I read over the reviews for this story and realized that you all kinda-sorta... _rock_. You inspired me to stay up till midnight last night finishing this story so that I could post it before it'd been two months (Because everyone knows that taking sixty days to update is SO much better than taking sixty-_one_ days!).

6. I got sucked into about seven and a half new fandoms (And I discovered that I've been somewhat spoiled by the quality of the fics in the Merlindom. A lot of fandoms don't seem to have the same high standards...).

And now, a short list of what I _didn't_ do during the two months:

1. Watch Merlin.

2. Read Merlin fanfiction.

3. Go to bed at a reasonable hour.

4. Bathe my cat.

Alright, now that that's over and you can hopefully all forgive me for taking so long to post a fic (and then, when I finally DO post, wasting your time with my incessant babbling), let's get on with it! Enjoy the show...

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Merlin_ or_ I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings_ (the book that provided the inspiration for the title). And while we're confessing things, I also don't own a convertible, Ron Weasley cutout, or a Deluminator (So yeah, number 3 was pretty much just a big lie. I'm sorry!).

**Description**: "Of course you shall have some supper," Morgana murmured, her lips curling into an evil smirk. "As long as you're prepared to _sing_ for it..."

**Warning**: Spoilers for the first half of the season four finale (The Sword in the Stone Part 1)

**Extra AN**: This is what _really_ happened. Obviously.

* * *

><p><strong>Why the Caged Bird Sings<strong>

Gwaine looked around and sighed.

Well, here he was. Locked up in a gloomy cell with no hope of escape. _Again_.

And it wasn't even his fault this time!

This whole mess had started with Morgana leading an attack against Camelot (nothing new there). Unfortunately, on _this_ occasion, she had had help. Agravaine, the oily-haired, black-leather-wearing, sneak-off-at-convenient-times-to-tell-who-knows-what-to-who-knows-who uncle had turned out to be none other than a spy for the witch!

As if that wasn't surprising enough, Morgana had also managed to raise an army of sorcerers to mount the assault on Camelot. And now Arthur was gone, the city had fallen, and what was left of the Knights of the Round Table stood imprisoned in the palace dungeons.

To make matters worse, Gwaine's stomach was beginning to growl.

After what seemed like an eternity, the faint sound of footsteps could be heard as _someone_– Gwaine was pretty sure who– descended the stairs that led to the dungeons.

"Enjoying your new quarters?" A soft, sinister, and all-too-familiar voice called out.

"Morgana," Gaius whispered hoarsely. "Come to gloat?"

Uther's former ward tsked disapprovingly. "Now, Gaius," she said, feigning hurt. "Is that any way to talk to an old friend?"

Gwaine glared at her. "Well, what do you expect? He's starving!" He paused, then added quietly, "We all are…"

"Of course you are," Morgana sneered. "After killing so many of my men, you must have worked up quite an appetite! I'll just have the kitchen prepare you a feast, then, shall I?"

Gwaine bit back an angry retort. "I think not of myself but of Gaius," he declared, silently praying that his stomach would not betray him. "He cannot survive long without food."

"Oh, Gwaine," Morgana murmured, stepping closer to him. "So handsome. So selfless… Of course you shall have some supper." Her lips curled up in an evil smirk. "As long as you're prepared to _sing_ for it…"

With a diabolical little laugh, the she-witch grabbed the knight and all but dragged him from the room. Gaius and Elyan stood behind the bars, staring after them worriedly.

When the two figures had climbed the stairs and disappeared from sight, Elyan sighed, breaking the silence. "For his sake, I sure hope Gwaine knows plenty of songs…"

Gaius gaped at him in disbelief for a few moments before regaining the ability to speak.

"W-what are you talking about?" he spluttered.

Elyan stared at the old man as if convinced he'd lost his hearing. "Morgana said that Gwaine will have to sing to earn food," he replied with the air of one stating the obvious.

"Oh, Elyan," Gaius muttered, rolling his eyes. "That was just a figure of speech! She obviously meant that Gwaine would have to _fight_."

The young knight frowned. "Then why didn't she just say so?"

Gaius shrugged. "It wouldn't fit with the dramatic villainess vibe."

"I see," said Elyan, his brow furrowed with thought. Then he chuckled. "I suppose it's better if he has to fight. If he sang, Morgana would most likely kill everyone in Camelot as revenge…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Three songs and an encore later, Gwaine was _exhausted_.

When Morgana had first come to him and demanded that he sing _Old Joe Smoke_– a timeless ditty about a filthy shepherd who slept with his goats– Gwaine had thought she was joking (I mean, had she _heard_ him sing? Was she trying to break his spirit through humiliation? Did she think whipping him wouldn't be a strong enough form of torture?). However, he had quickly realized just how serious the sorceress was.

And so, with the promise of food before him– and the threat of a sword behind him– Gwaine had closed his eyes, opened his mouth, and hoped for the best.

That had been nearly an hour ago. Since then, the fighter-turned-vocalist had become the subject of mass adoration and had found himself showered with flowers, coins, and– after hitting a particularly impressive high note– several mugs of ale (which he had been only too happy to accept).

Yes, things were working out rather well for the knight. That is, until one of Morgana's minions uttered five fateful little words…

"Can I have your autograph?"

Never one to turn down a chance at getting his ego stroked, Gwaine agreed, grabbing a quill and paper and writing his name with a flourish. As soon as he had finished, another man appeared, asking for a signature of his own. Then another. And another. And _another_.

For one of the first times in his life, Gwaine began to grow nervous. He was surrounded by a crowd of fanatic sorcerers, many of whom were fighting amongst themselves as they all tried to be next in line for his autograph. Magical sparks flew through the air, sometimes passing mere _centimeters_ from his face. Then one singed his hair.

That was the last straw.

"Alright, enough!" Gwaine shouted, throwing his hands in the air. Immediately, a hush filled the room as everyone turned to stare at him.

"Look," he growled, pacing back and forth. "I understand that you all love me– and I really can't blame you for that– but this is a bit much! I'm tired, my throat's sore, and it's going to be _weeks_ before my hair returns to its perfect fluffiness! So I suggest that you all _back off_ and let me return to my nice, cozy cell if you want me to sing again tomorrow!"

With a huff, Gwaine spun around and was just starting to march off when a small voice piped up.

"Please, Sir Gwaine… Could you just sign your name _one_ more time?"

"_Fine_," Gwaine sighed, turning back around. "I'll do one more autograph! But that is _it_. I'm not going to…" He trailed off, his eyes widening as he saw the expressions forming on the faces of his fans.

"_Oh no_…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A half hour later– having finally escaped from the clutches of the screaming admirers– Gwaine crawled back into the cell with Gaius and Elyan. With a groan, he collapsed onto the floor, thankful for the moldy hay that offered some comfort to his bruised body.

From the corner, the two other men watched their friend with pity, shuddering to imagine the horrors he'd faced to earn them some food.

Still, Gaius couldn't keep from smiling a tad smugly as he turned to address Elyan.

"See," he whispered, gesturing at Gwaine's many injuries. "I _told_ you it was a figure of speech."

* * *

><p><em>AN: And even to this day, Gwaine is unable to look at a quill pen without flinching...<em>

**In case you're having some difficulty understanding Gwaine's fear, do this: Take the most crazily-obsessed fangirl/boy you know (Yes, yourself _is_ an acceptable choice), put them in front of their very favorite character/actor/singer in the entire world, and multiply it by about fifty. Now add magic to the mix. Scared? You should be...**

**The dialogue between Morgana, Gwaine, and Gaius in the dungeon is loosely based on the actual conversation from the episode (which I don't own). The song _Old Joe Smoke_ is borrowed from the Ranger's Apprentice series (which I also don't own), and the words to the epic ballad can be found in book 5 (_The Sorcerer of the North_).**

**Well, I hope this story was alright... I'm sure the idea's been done before, but hopefully my take was original. I apologize for any mediocrity, as I'm really just trying to get my foot back in the door for writing Merlin fics. That being said, it's great to be back! :)**

**In fact, I'm so happy to have finally updated that I won't even _mention_ that we're only 14 reviews away from 300...**

**Sooooo... Review! Comment! Critique! Scold me for taking so long to post. Show me your Yoda impression. Tell me how _you_ spent May 2nd. Just please let me hear from you because, quite honestly, it's been far too long! :D**

**Hoping to see you again soon,**

**DeleaMarie**


	42. I Don't Do Windows

Sorry for the long delay! I left on vacation right after my last update. Then I came back for a few days (during which I lost my iPod, which is where I keep all my stories, notes, ideas, etc.), before leaving on ANOTHER trip. But I'm back now, and here's a new story for you all! Hope you enjoy! :)

**Description**: Arthur's in a bad mood. Guess who's suffering for it?

**Disclaimer**: For the sake of argument, let's say I _do_ own Merlin... Do you really think I could make the deadlines?

**Dedication**: To whitecrossgirl, who will hopefully forgive me for somehow managing to get 40 chapters behind on her story (I'm sorry! It's still on my to-do list, I promise!)

**Warning**: Probably takes place sometime around mid-season four, but no real spoilers.

* * *

><p><strong>I Don't Do Windows<strong>

Arthur was having a bad day.

He had woken up with a horrible headache, stubbed his toe on a bedpost, spilled wine on his favorite jacket, and met with his royal advisors for a very long, very _boring_ discussion about a new tax on turnips.

All of these things had combined to put the Once and Future King of Camelot in a downright _terrible_ mood. Which—in true Arthur fashion—he had decided to take out on his unfortunate manservant.

"Merlin!" he called for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "I need you to scrub the floors."

Merlin glanced up briefly from the stained shirt that he was trying to clean.

"I already did!" he replied, returning to his work.

"You did?"

"Yep. This morning."

"Oh… Well, then… Polish my armor."

"I did that, too," Merlin told him.

"Make my bed?"

"Already done."

"Clean the stables?"

"Way ahead of you."

"Patch my socks?" Arthur asked, beginning to grow frantic.

"They're like new!"

"Feed my dogs?"

"The finest kibble in the land."

"Remove the stain from my jacket?"

"Just finished," Merlin said, moving to put the shirt away.

"There's got to be _something_!" Arthur groaned, his mood growing even worse.

"Nope!" Merlin declared with a grin. "Face it, Arthur—I've already done every job you can throw at me!"

Arthur thought about this for a moment and then held up his hand, a sly smile spreading across his face.

"What about the windows?"

"The… The _windows_?" Merlin repeated, looking confused.

"Yes," Arthur replied. "Have you washed the windows yet?"

Merlin gaped at him. "How on _earth_ am I supposed to wash the windows? We're five stories up!"

The king smirked and patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm sure you'll think of something…"

_Later That Night…_

"Could you fly a little closer, Kilgharrah? I'm having trouble reaching the top…"

The Great Dragon sighed and carefully maneuvered his body a bit closer to the tower, trying not to hit his wings against the stone.

"Merlin," he growled. "Remember when I told you not to _abuse_ your Dragonlord powers?"

"Yeah?" Merlin answered distractedly.

"Well," Kilgharrah said, wincing as his tail smacked into a wall. "This is kind of what I meant…"

* * *

><p><strong>Not entirely sure where this one came from... And really, how DO they wash those windows? Extremely tall ladders? :s<strong>

**To _gali-o_, _mischief-manager00_, and _DarkForbidden-Love_: Sorry I couldn't respond to your reviews personally (as I said before, I was on vacation). Just know that I am ever so grateful that you took the time to comment, and I'm so glad you've been enjoying my stories thus far (And yes, I'm aware that the term "Mischief Managed" isn't specific to a single Harry Potter book. I just cited the third one since it was where the phrase was first mentioned.)!**

**I'm actually about to leave on yet another trip in a couple days, so it may be a week or so before my next story. Until then— Read, review, and enjoy! :)**

**Hugs and Butterfly Kisses,**

**Your DeleaMarie**


	43. Superhero Profiles

I'm baaaaaaack! Did you miss me? Yes? No? Maybe so?

This chapter is quite a bit different from the previous ones, due to the fact that it is not actually a story. I was just going about my fangirlish business one day when I was struck by a thought—What if the characters of Merlin were all superheroes/villains? Would they have capes and catchphrases? Cool superhero monikers? What would their weaknesses be? This, my friends, is the result of such musings...

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Merlin or anything else referenced (And there are quite a few other things referenced—movies, books, TV shows, musicals...)

**Warning**: Minor spoilers for all four seasons. The profiles are set to take place right before the season four finale (Unless the character has died at some earlier point, in which case it takes place sometime before their untimely demise)

Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>MORGANA<strong>—

ALTER EGO: _Psychotic She-Witch_

ENEMIES: _Arthur_; _Merlin_; _Knights of Camelot_; _people of Camelot_; _Queen Annis_; _hairbrushes_

POWER: _The ability to sneak in and out of Camelot in a bright red cloak and heels_ (Oh, and I guess _magic_, too…)

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _The Smirk_

WEAKNESS: _Eyeliner_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**AGRAVAINE****—**

ALTER EGO: _Aggra-vate_

ENEMIES: _Arthur_; _Merlin_

POWER: _The ability to be trusted implicitly by Arthur, despite the fact that he's a creeper and hasn't been seen in years_

WEAKNESS: _Leather clothing_ (Wonder if he knew Cenred…)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**MORDRED**—

ALTER EGO: _Creeper Child_

ENEMIES: _Arthur_; _Merlin_

POWER: _Mind speak_; _the ability to manipulate people with his cuteness_

WEAKNESS: _Unknown_…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**GWEN**—

ALTER EGO: _Gwen-a-fear_

ENEMIES: _Morgana_; _Agravaine_; _Helios_; _Princess Mithian_; _deer hunters_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _Metal pot_ (Particularly effective against enchanted warlocks)

WEAKNESS: _Pretty bracelets_ (Maybe Arthur rubbed off on her…)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**GAIUS**—

ALTER EGO: _The Doctor_

ENEMIES: _Morgana_; _Agravaine_; _Helios_

POWER: _The eyebrow raise_

WEAKNESS: _Not as young as he used to be_…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**UTHER**—

ALTER EGO: _Mr. Paranoid Pants_

ENEMIES: _Magic users_; _anyone who disagrees with him_

POWER: _Umm… Do the words "Supreme ruler of Camelot" ring a bell?_

WEAKNESS: _Chronic obliviousness_

CATCHPHRASE: _"This is the work of _sorcery_!"_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**KILGHARRAH**—

ALTER EGO: _The Great Dragon_

ENEMIES: _Depends on what side he's on at the time_…

POWER: _The ability to create mass confusion with his riddles _(And, you know, flight and fire and stuff…)

WEAKNESS: _Mood swings_ (One moment he's telling Merlin that Albion must be saved no matter the cost, the next he's trying to destroy Camelot in a fit of fiery rage)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**DRAGOON**—

ALTER EGO: _Merl… Emrys, rather_

ENEMIES: _More than he would care to think about_

POWER: _Witty retorts_; _magic_; _complete and utter epicness_

WEAKNESS: _Inability to un-age himself_ (But really, why would he need to do _that_?)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**ARTHUR**—

ALTER EGO: _The Once and Future King_

ENEMIES: In Merlin's opinion, _everyone_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _Sword_; _anything he can throw at Merlin_

WEAKNESS: Chronic obliviousness (Must run in the family…)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**MERLIN**—

ALTER EGO: _Emrys_ (Wait… Wasn't that Dragoon's alter ego? What a weird coincidence…)

ENEMIES: _Again, too many to count_

POWER: _Magic_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _Snarky sarcasm_ (But only in battles of wit)

WEAKNESS: _Can't resist telling random strangers about his magic, despite the fact that it's supposed to be a _secret_!_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**ELYAN**—

ALTER EGO: _The _Anti_-Family Man_

ENEMIES: _Morgana_; _Agravaine_; _Helios_

POWER: _The ability to abandon family members without feeling any guilt whatsoever_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _A circle of salt_

WEAKNESS: _Can be swayed over to the Dark Side by dead people_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**LANCELOT**—

ALTER EGO: _Inigo Monto__–__… Erm… I mean… Never mind…_

ENEMIES: _Morgana_; _Agravaine_; _the six-fingered man_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _Sword_

WEAKNESS: _Gwen_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**SIR LEON**—

ALTER EGO: _The-Knight-Who-Was-Killed-Off-In-2x13-But-Was-Brought-Back-With-No-Explanation-Simply-Because-The-Writers-Wanted-To-Use-Him-Again-Later_ (A.K.A. _The Man Who Lived_)

ENEMIES: _Morgana_; _Agravaine_; _Helios_

POWER: _Inexplicable and irrational immortality/invincibility_ (Or just an insane amount of luck!)

WEAKNESS: _None_ (Because of the whole "invincible" thing…)

CATCHPHRASE: _"It's a good day _not_ to die!"_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**PERCIVAL**—

ALTER EGO: _Man of La Muscles_

ENEMIES: (See Arthur's Enemies)

POWER: _Ability to recover instantly from arrow wounds_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _Guns_ (Of the muscular variety)

WEAKNESS: _Easily influenced by pretty damsels in distress_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**GWAINE**—

ALTER EGO: _The Knightmare_

ENEMIES: _Morgana_; _Agravaine_; _Helios_; _tavern owners_; _tavern_ goers; _fishing poles_

POWER: _Comic relief_

WEAPON OF CHOICE: _The Smoulder_

WEAKNESS: _Apples_

* * *

><p><strong>Well, that's all for this update! Did you enjoy it? Should I just stick to writing actual stories? Whatever your opinion, please feel free to share it with me! :)<strong>

**As of this moment, I have no plans to write any stories with the characters in their superhero forms, but if there's an interest... Well, I'm sure I could come up with SOMETHING. ;P**

**Oh, and sorry about the bit of Elyan-bashing... I just have a hard time liking him when he abandoned his family and really didn't seem to care that Gwen was banished (He wasn't even there to see her off! I mean, he doesn't have to be sobbing or trying to kill Arthur or anything, but a LITTLE brotherly affection would be nice!).**

**Thanks for reading!**

**P.S. I almost forgot—Thank you all so much for helping me to reach 300 reviews! You guys rock my socks like nobody's business!**


	44. In Plain Sight

Salvete! Happy Tuesday, everyone! Oddly, I don't have much to say today (Yes, the world is officially coming to an end), so... On with the fic!

**Description**: How DID Morgana sneak the Crystal of Neahtid out of the castle? Tag to 2x11

**Disclaimer**: I no more own Merlin than I do any of the other fandoms I obsess over (much as it pains me to admit it).

**Dedication**: To my mother, who was willing to serve as a sounding board for this story and listen to all my crazy ideas and rantings (Love you lots!).

**Additional AN**: Missing Scene. This is what really happened. Obviously.

* * *

><p><strong>In Plain Sight<strong>

Morgana quickly glided down the castle corridor, a smirk on her face and the Crystal of Neahtid in her hands.

This was just _too_ easy.

It had been almost _laughably_ simple to sneak past the guards into the Vault of Magical Objects. And now the Crystal was in her hands and no one would be any the wiser until she was long go–

Morgana's smug thoughts were suddenly disrupted as she turned a corner and found herself face to face with none other than Arthur Pendragon.

Who was no doubt in the middle of searching the palace for the thief.

Brilliant.

"Morgana!" Arthur cried, blinking in surprise. "What are you doing out here? Don't you know there's an intruder in the castle?"

"An intruder?" Morgana repeated, her eyes wide and innocent. "Is _that_ why the warning bells went off? I just assumed that Merlin had set fire to your dinner again…"

The prince smirked at that before his expression grew serious once more. "The vaults were broken into, and a rare, magical crystal was stolen. We think the thief might still be here, which means it isn't safe for you to be out of your chambers."

"Oh, of course," Morgana agreed. "I'll head back there right now—I just…"

"Hang on," Arthur interrupted. "What's that in your hand?"

Morgana quickly pasted a bright smile on her face. "Oh, it's just… _What's that over there_?" she exclaimed, pointing behind Arthur.

The prince whirled around, his sword drawn and ready to face whatever threat was lurking in the shadows.

Which turned out to be nothing (unless you counted a few cobwebs).

With a sigh, Arthur turned back around and sheathed his sword. "There's nothing there," he informed her.

Morgana shrugged. "I must have just imagined it… Well, I'm off to bed, then!"

"Wait!" Arthur called, stopping her in her tracks for the second time that night. This time he was studying her curiously.

"Is that… Is that a new necklace?" he asked, frowning slightly.

Morgana's hand flew to her neck as she fingered the pendant. "What, this old thing? I've had it for _years_. It was a gift from some stuffy old lord."

Arthur's frown deepened. "It's a bit… _big_, isn't it? A little showy for your usual taste… And have you been wearing it this whole time?"

"Of course I have! You must be tired, Arthur—your mind is starting to play tricks on you!"

"You're right," Arthur said, shaking his head to clear it. "I've been so focused on finding that crystal, I'm seeing it everywhere I look!" He laughed. "As if _you_ would ever steal it…"

Morgana laughed, too. "You just go back to your search. The sooner you catch this thief, the sooner you can get some rest!"

Arthur nodded and turned on his heel, heading off down the corridor. Morgana waited until he had disappeared from view before breathing a huge sigh of relief. She reached up and stroked the crystal hanging from her neck.

That had been _close_.

* * *

><p><strong>Because medieval dresses probably didn't have pockets (And anyway, everyone knows that the best place to hide something is in plain sight!).<strong>

**Eh... This is one of those stories where I loved the _idea_ (The mental image of Morgana with the Crystal of Neahtid around her neck STILL cracks me up!), but I had such trouble writing it that I'm no longer sure how funny it is. So... Tell me? :)**

**And yes, I do believe that Arthur is oblivious enough to look right at the Crystal and still believe Morgana when she says it's a necklace. But that's why we love him, right? ;)**

**Until next time!**

**P.S. A big thank you to all the anonymous reviewers for the last chapter! You guys are A-MAZ-ING!**


	45. A Sticky Situation

Hello! How're you all doing? Good? Good! I'm great—a little tired, but, you know... Hope you're all still enjoying your summers! I, for one, am in complete denial about August... I mean, it can't have been two months ALREADY, can it? I haven't even done HALF the things I set out to do (organize my room, learn how to whistle with my fingers, take up clogging, expand my random-tchotchkes collection...)! I seriously doubt two weeks is long enough to do all THAT...

Anywho, that's all for your (not quite) daily dose of Delea. Enjoy the show!

**Description**: Merlin has a magical emergency.

**Disclaimer**: The writers of Merlin would never come up with something this... _this_.

**Warning**: Ummm... This is kinda/sorta/probably the crackiest thing I've posted on here... (disregarding Sir Evil Beaver)

* * *

><p><strong>A Stick-y Situation<strong>

"Gaius! Gaius! It's a magical emergency!"

The physician's relatively calm morning was interrupted as Merlin came tearing into the room, shouting at the top of his lungs. Gaius hurriedly turned to face him, his mind instantly bringing up the worst possible scenarios: Magic discovered. Morgana returning. Uther losing his hair. Tights coming back in style… Gaius shuddered

Such possibilities were too horrible to think about.

Fortunately, however, Merlin appeared to be alright—eyes wide, hair in disarray, and scrawny body intact. The only strange thing about him was the fact that he was clutching what looked to be a stick in his hand. He was also even twitchier than usual, glancing around as if afraid a monster would pop up at any moment.

"What's the matter, Merlin?" Gaius asked, grabbing the boy's shoulders in an attempt to calm him down. The warlock took a shaky breath before meeting his mentor's gaze.

"It's horrible, Gaius," he murmured. "I can't… There's no way to stop it!"

"Stop _what_, Merlin? I don't understand."

"The stick!" Merlin hissed.

"What _about_ the stick?"

Merlin leaned forward, and Gaius could hear the panic in his voice as he whispered:

"_It's following me_…"

Oh.

_Oh_.

_Well, that's it,_ Gaius thought sadly. _The pressure's finally gotten to the boy. Albion better start searching for another warlock because this one has officially lost it!_

"Merlin," he said with a sigh. "You do realize you're _holding_ the stick, right? I'm sure if you just put it down…"

"No!" Merlin interrupted, looking even more distressed. "I've tried that, and it doesn't work! Here—watch!"

Merlin knelt and placed the stick on the floor before slowly standing and taking a few steps backwards. Gaius sighed again and shook his head skeptically but managed to hold his tongue.

After a minute of staring at a motionless piece of wood, however, he began to lose patience.

"I don't understand, Merlin," he said. "What exactly am I supposed to be see–"

"Shh!" Merlin hushed him. "Wait for it…"

So Gaius waited.

And waited.

And _waited_.

Finally, even Merlin seemed to give up hope that the stick would do something.

"I don't get it," he mumbled to himself. "It was working just fine _before_…" With a groan of frustration, he turned away.

Only to whirl back around when he felt something collide with the back of his head.

The stick.

Gaius was staring at him openmouthed, his eyes wide and shocked. "Merlin… What… How did you… What _was_ that?" he spluttered. Merlin grinned triumphantly.

"I told you it was magical!" he crowed. Then his face fell. "Now can you please tell me how to get it to _stop_?"

Still glaring suspiciously at the stick—which was now lying oh-so-innocently at Merlin's feet—Gaius edged over to his bookshelf and began to thumb through one of the tomes. After several minutes of scanning the pages, he finally found what he was looking for.

He cleared his throat, causing Merlin to glance up at him expectantly.

"Apparently," he said, "the stick is not just a stick."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Gaius, but I kind of figured that out for myself."

Gaius scowled but chose to ignore him. "According to this," he continued, "it serves as an object through which sorcerers can channel and direct their magic."

"You mean… like the Sidhe staff?"

The old man nodded. "Exactly! But smaller and more portable."

Merlin stared at the stick dubiously. "But… What if I don't want it?"

"I'm afraid you don't really have a say in the matter," Gaius told him gravely.

"Why not?" Merlin asked, looking confused. Gaius shrugged.

"The wand chooses the wizard, my boy…"

* * *

><p><strong>Honestly... <em>I<em> don't even know where this came from (Probably somewhere dark and scary... Like my mind. ;P). It was really fun to write, though!**

**Soooooo... Opinions? Was it funny? Or too cracky? I always love hearing from you! :)**

**See you next time, my fellow Merlinians! Until then, sleep well and dream of the season 5 premiere!**

**Oh, and I don't own Harry Potter—that honor belongs solely to Ms. Rowling (Who was wonderful in the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, am I right?).**


	46. The Legend Begins

Good morning (afternoon, evening, night, Tuesday), everyone! I missed you! :)

**Description**: Merlin has a magical object he needs to get rid of. What does he do with it?

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Merlin and so cannot be held liable for any awesomeness, humor, or creativity that may be present in this story, as that is purely the fault of the writers for creating such amazing characters.

**Dedication**: Awhile back I promised reviewers a story about any random character of their choice, and Knighted-Geek requested Cornelius Sigan. This is for you! :)

**Additional AN**: Since this is about Sigan, it takes place directly after 2x01 ('The Curse of Cornelius Sigan.' Obviously. ;P)

* * *

><p><strong>The Legend Begins…<strong>

"Merlin, watch out!"

Gaius's shouted warning came a moment too late as the boy wizard crashed into the table. In a blink, papers and all manner of other objects were sent flying through the air.

Including one bright blue crystal housing a powerful and not-so-dead-as-everyone-would-like sorcerer.

With a yelp, Merlin dove forward, catching the crystal just before it hit the ground. Gaius breathed a sigh of relief.

"You've _got_ to find somewhere else to keep that, Merlin! That's the sixth time this week it's nearly broken!"

"I know, Gaius," Merlin replied, running a hand through his hair. "But I can't think of anywhere to put it! We've already seen that the tomb isn't safe enough, and the vault gets broken into all the time!"

Gaius frowned. "Well… What do you _usually_ do with all the things you want to get rid of? Magical objects… People… I know you haven't just been hiding them in your cupboard!"

The warlock frowned, thinking for a moment, before his face lit up with a grin.

"I think I know just the place…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A few hours later, Merlin was standing on the edge of the Lake of Avalon.

"Well," he said, staring at the crystal in his hands. "This is it. I hope you're comfortable in there because no one is _ever_ going to find you here."

So saying, Merlin drew his arm back and sent the soul of Cornelius Sigan flying out over the lake. With a loud splash, it hit the water and disappeared from his sight.

Merlin stood there for a second before turning and heading back towards Camelot, satisfied that the evil sorcerer would never be heard from again.

Oh, how wrong he was.

For, unbeknownst to Merlin, there was a slight current in the water—a current which was slowly carrying the crystal and its deadly contents to the opposite side of the lake. And on that shore, a creature stood, drinking from the water and blissfully unaware of what was to come. Sigan smiled inwardly as he felt the creature's soul reach out to his, practically _begging_ to be taken over.

When the blue heart reached the water's edge, the animal turned, drawn to its power, and began to creep closer. Sigan felt a thrill of excitement as he recognized the creature for what it was.

A beaver.

_Perfect_.

* * *

><p><strong>What is it with Merlin and the Lake of Avalon? It's like his go-to spot when he needs to get rid of something (a magical sword... a body... the shade of a former friend...). So when I was thinking about what they did with Sigan's soul (because even if they seal his tomb, chances are SOMEONE will dig it up again one day), Avalon was obviously the first place that popped into my mind! And it provided the perfect spot for Sigan to run into another old friend of ours, Sir Evil Beaver (before his Sir Evil Beaver days).<strong>

**Now, I've been feeling a bit conflicted about posting this story because, though I like the idea, I also like the Beaver as his own villain (rather than just a normal old beaver being controlled by the soul of an evil sorcerer). So I decided to just make this one of a series of _possible_ origin stories for the Beaver (Who knows which one will be the _real_ story? ;D).**

**As of yet, I haven't written anymore origin stories for him, so... Let me know what you think of the idea, okay? :)**

**Until we meet again!**


	47. As Luck Would Have It

First off, I want to send out a HUGE thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I'm really sorry that I didn't thank you all personally—my life was so crazy that by the time I realized I _hadn't_ yet responded to your reviews, it was already rather late to be doing so. So a gigantically grateful thank you to _merlinandfreyaFTW_, MrsBadCrumble18, _97 Diagon Alley_, GracefulLikeAGazelle, _Motaku1235_, whitecrossgirl, _Monica Kyler_, Enchanted Worlds, _Cloud-Dee_, and Autumn Moon Fae! You, my friends, are all wonderful, wonderful people! :)

Secondly, I'm glad you all seemed to enjoy seeing The Beaver again. Unfortunately, he's not in this next story, but I'm making plans to bring him back soon (If you want a refresher on where we left off, Part 2 of the Evil Beaver Saga is featured in chapters 35-37).

Thirdly, for today's fic, I'm falling back on an old favorite of mine: the all-dialogue drabble mocking a fanfiction cliché! I haven't done one in awhile (Chapter 33?), but these are definitely some of the most fun to write, so... Hope you like it!

**Description**: Merlin is tired of Arthur's life constantly being in danger, so he decides to give the prince a little something to keep him safe.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Merlin or Arthur—I am simply borrowing them without permission (But with every intention of bringing them back! ;P).

**Additional AN**: If you didn't already, READ THE DESCRIPTION! It contains vital information, and this fic might be a bit confusing otherwise... Also, this is not a future fic—it probably takes place sometime around Season 2.

* * *

><p><strong>As Luck Would Have It<strong>

"No."

"Oh, just wear it, won't you?"

"Unlike you, Merlin, I'm not a _girl_. I do _not_ wear _jewelry_!"

"Well, what do you call that crown of yours, then?"

"_Merlin_…"

"Arthur, please! Just… Just do this _one_ thing for me!"

"But why should I wear–"

"I don't know! Maybe it'll bring good fortune, ever think of that?"

_Three Days Later…_

"I say! That was rather lucky, wasn't it?"

"_Lucky_? Merlin, that arrow was shot straight at my chest! There's no _way_ it could have just bounced off! And you call that _lucky_?"

"Fine… _Very_ lucky, then."

"…"

"There's just no pleasing you, is there?"

* * *

><p><strong>This little story was written in response to the multitude of stories that have Merlin giving Arthur an enchanted necklace (bracelet, etc.) to keep him safe—but only AFTER Arthur already knows about Merlin's magic! Well, I was thinking: Why not give him a magic force-field necklace BEFORE he knows about it? I mean, he's certainly gullible enough! I'm sure Merlin could come up with SOME excuse as to why swords and arrows all just keep bouncing off!<strong>

**By the way, I'm in the midst of writing a couple humorous Merlin one-shots that are a bit on the long side. I'm thinking of posting them separately from this story, so if you're interested, be sure to keep your eyes out! ;)**

**Until next time!**

**P.S. Because the name "Merlinian" is kind of boring, I've decided to start calling us "Merlinions" instead (It's like a mix between "Merlin" and "minions"). The difference may seem slight to you, but I think it's much more fun to say (Plus it makes us seem like diabolical, semi-obsessed henchmen, so it's more accurate! ;P).**


	48. Smells Like Trouble

Hello! How are you all this fine Sunday? It's September 2nd, which means another year has passed in which I did not receive my Hogwarts acceptance letter (but I'll keep holding out hope that I'm just a really late bloomer! ;P).

**Description**: Merlin and Arthur have a not-so-pleasant encounter with a mysterious creature.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Merlin, the fifth season would be here already (and I would probably be better at updating in a timely manner).

**Additional AN**: Takes place... I don't know... Sometime before Season 4 (no spoilers for anything, though).

* * *

><p><strong>Smells Like Trouble<strong>

"Why do these things always happen to _you_, Merlin?" Arthur asked, staring at his manservant in annoyance.

Merlin shrugged, a resigned look on his face, as he came to a stop a few paces downwind from where the prince stood. "I don't know, Sire," he replied with a sigh. "But it's not as if I have any control over it."

Arthur just shook his head and continued on as if he hadn't spoken. "I mean, I don't think I've ever even _seen_ that kind of animal before!" he ranted angrily. "Leave it to you to attract every obscure magical creature in the area…"

Merlin scowled and opened his mouth—ready to point out that it was, in fact, _Arthur_ who was always attracting trouble—when he realized what the prince had said.

"Hang on," he said, frowning. "What makes you think it was a _magical_ creature?"

Arthur scoffed. "Please, Merlin—the stench _alone_ is enough to convince me! No _normal_ animal could produce a smell _that_ bad!"

Merlin shrugged. "I don't know… I've come across some pretty smelly pigs in my day…"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Yes, but I doubt any of those pigs ever shot poison out of their hindquarters."

"Poison?" Merlin repeated nervously, rubbing a hand across his face. "Is that what you think it was?"

Arthur nodded solemnly. "I wouldn't be surprised…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A half hour later, the two stood in Gaius's chambers, waiting anxiously as the physician searched through his books for information on the mysterious beast. After several minutes, Gaius slammed the final volume shut in frustration.

"It's no use!" he moaned. "I've been through every book of mystical creatures in the entire castle—there's no sign of the animal that attacked you! Are you absolutely _certain_ it was magical?"

"Well… Not _exactly_…" Arthur mumbled sheepishly. "But its eyes _did_ have a look of pure evil about them."

Merlin snorted. "I'm surprised you even _saw_ its eyes, considering the fact that you turned tail and _ran_ the moment I got sprayed!"

"Well, excuse me!" Arthur huffed indignantly. "But I have to attend a royal banquet tonight, and my father would have my _head_ if I went to it smelling like _that_! Besides," he added after a moment's pause, "I'm sure the spray was harmless."

"Earlier you said it was probably poisonous!"

"Well, what do I know about magical creatures?! It's not as if my studies included a crash course on them!"

"Now that I think about it, that seems like a rather large oversight," Gaius muttered under his breath. Then he perked up as a thought struck him. "Wait a second, you said that you'd never seen this beast before, right?"

Merlin and Arthur stopped their bickering long enough to nod, and Gaius continued excitedly. "This may be a long-shot, but there's one more place I can look for information on the creature!"

With that, the old man began rummaging through his bookshelves once again, the other two staring at him in some confusion. Finally, he pulled out a particularly impressive tome and laid it on the table before them.

"This," he murmured, "is an ancient record of a voyage taken many, many years ago—a voyage to a _new world_! The captain wrote down everything that happened, _including_ the discovery of several new species of animal. If I'm remembering correctly, the creature you encountered may be one of them!"

Ten minutes and three paper-cuts later, Gaius stood up and let out a victorious "Aha!"

"I was right!" he exclaimed. Arthur and Merlin stood as well and peered over his shoulder.

"A _skunk_?" Merlin said, wrinkling his nose at the name. "How on earth did it end up in Camelot?"

"Never mind that!" Arthur replied, wrinkling his nose for an entirely different reason. "How do we get rid of the _smell_?"

Gaius frowned, scanning the page. "It says here that Merlin needs to… _bathe in tomato juice_?"

"W-what?" Merlin spluttered. "But… But where am I even going to _get_ that many tomatoes?"

Arthur smirked in a way that Merlin did not find at _all_ encouraging. "Oh, I think I have solution to _that_ problem…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

That afternoon, the courtyard was packed with what seemed to Merlin to be every citizen in Camelot. They were all lined up, and each one was carrying an armful of rotten tomatoes—armfuls that were steadily decreasing as the people began throwing them at the hunched-over figure in the stocks.

Arthur stood off to the side, watching the proceedings with a gleeful expression. "Gaius," he said, turning to the man next to him, "this may be the greatest day of my life. Using the stocks as a way to get rid of the scent is brilliant, if I do say so myself."

The physician nodded seriously. "Indeed, Sire. And I'm glad you feel that way because there's another matter I wish to bring to your attention."

"What is it, Gaius?"

"Well, you see, Sire," he said, clearing his throat, "I do not believe that Merlin was the only one the skunk managed to hit."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked, his brow furrowing as he began to see where this conversation was going.

"Well… er… You appear to have been sprayed as well, Sire."

"No, I wasn't! Merlin's smell must have just rubbed off on me a bit! A nice hot bath and I'll be perfectly fine!"

"If you say so, Sire," Gaius replied. "It's just… There _is_ that banquet tonight. With all those courtiers… You want to make a good impression, don't you?"

Arthur glared at the physician for several seconds before sighing. "Very well, Gaius… But you must promise me never to speak of this again!"

With that, the prince set off for the stocks, scowling at anyone who glanced his way. When he reached them, Merlin glanced up at him with a tomato-spattered grin.

"Come to join the party, then?" he asked, not even bothering to hide his amusement.

Arthur rolled his eyes and slowly clambered into the wooden prison. "Shut up, Merlin."

* * *

><p><strong>And Gaius watched from afar, looking like a kid on Christmas morning...<strong>

**So. How DID the skunk end up in Camelot when it is (to the best of my knowledge) only indigenous to The Philippines, Indonesia, and North and South America? Well, I have several theories:**

**1. While on the voyage mentioned in my story, the captain's life was saved by a heroic skunk, and (in honor of its bravery and self-sacrifice) the captain decided to bring it and its family back to Europe, where they and all their descendants would be treated like royalty (up until one of them accidentally sprayed the king and was thenceforth banished from the land).**

**2. A surfeit of skunks (Yes, that's the correct term.) stowed away on the ship in order to escape overpopulation.**

**3. (And this is the one I think is most likely) The skunk in my story received a message from his European cousin, The Beaver, requesting his assistance in a military coup/revenge plot. The skunk hurried right on over and had no sooner arrived in Camelot when he ran into Merlin and Arthur. Not knowing which was which, he just sprayed them both for good measure, in the hopes that smelling his son would cause Uther unbearable pain and suffering.**

**Yeah...**

**On a related note, I wonder how Uther would react to seeing his son in the stocks (Ooh, and the knights! Gwaine would love it...).**

**That's all for me! See you next time! :)**


	49. Taking Stock

Hello, my fair Merlinions! It's been awhile, hasn't it? In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you've forgotten all about me. Quick—what's my name? And no peeking at the top of this page... ;P

I don't really have much of an excuse for not writing, other than Life (real, not the board game) and Sherlock (the show, not some magical incarnation of the fictional detective I met on the street—though how cool would that be? ;D). I've also been working on some longer, Merlin-related oneshots (all of which have yet to be finished), a short, angsty Cabin Pressure fic (which I HAVE finished and posted, if you want check it out... ;P), and a real, live, actual book.

Okay. Now. About today's story. You probably don't remember my last chapter (Quick recap: Merlin and Arthur get sprayed by a skunk—who may or may not be a cousin of the Evil Beaver—and learn from Gaius that they need to bathe in tomato juice to get rid of the stench. Because they don't have buckets of tomatoes, they decide to spend the afternoon in the stocks and have people pelt them with the fruit. There's more, and it's hopefully funnier than I've just made it out to be, but that's the gist.). By popular request, I've finally written a sequel to the story (showing everyone's reactions to finding Arthur in the stocks). Hope you enjoy it! :)

**Description**: Christmas has come early for Gwaine.

**Disclaimer**: .nilreM nwo ton od I

**Warning**: As I said before, this IS a sequel to my last story. So if you don't remember what that one was about, go back and reread it or look in my above AN.

**Additional AN**: Oh, and I guess this is slightly AU, since it takes place after season 3 but Uther isn't all catatonic.

* * *

><p><strong>Taking Stock<strong>

"Hey, Percy," Gwaine said, coming to a stop next to his large friend. "Am I drunk?

Percival frowned and slowly shook his head from side to side, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight before him. "Nope—I see it, too…"

"Maybe we're both asleep," Gwaine suggested thoughtfully.

"Well, this _is_ like a dream come true," Percival replied with a smirk.

Unable to take their banter anymore, Arthur spoke up. "Very funny, you two," he growled, glaring at the knights (Well, as much as he was able, given that he could barely lift his head.). "Now either throw something or get out of the way—you're holding up the line!"

Gwaine raised his eyebrows, his lips curling with glee. "Do my ears deceive me, Perce, or did the Princess just _order_ us to throw rotten fruit at him?"

Percival nodded gravely. "I believe he did, my friend."

"Well, law-abiding citizen that I am–" (here the other three couldn't help but snort) "–I would _never_ disobey a royal command!" Gwaine declared. So saying, he reached into the bag he was carrying and began to pull out various fruits and vegetables: lettuce, tomatoes, grapes, celery, and even…

"No," Arthur said in his most authoritative voice. "I absolutely _draw the line_ at watermelons."

"Spoilsport," Gwaine muttered, tucking the overripe melon back in his bag. Arthur scowled.

"It's only supposed to be tomatoes, anyway. We're trying to get rid of the smell!"

"Oh, is _that_ what this is all about?" Gwaine asked, grinning. "I thought maybe you'd overheard Gwen say that she finds men in stocks attractive…"

"And _why_ would she say that?"

"Well, why else would she have had feelings for Merlin?"

"She _what_?" Arthur yelped—said, rather; princes don't yelp—turning to face his cringing manservant.

"Yes, well… Well… Gwaine flirted with her!" Merlin blurted out frantically.

"Merlin _kissed_ her!"

"Gwaine filled your pillow with pickled eggs!"

"Merlin used dirty dishwater to make your soup last night!"

"Gwaine told everyone at the tavern that you have eleven toes!"

"Percy sleeps with a teddy bear!"

"Hey!"

"Oops," Gwaine said, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry, Perce…" He opened his mouth to reveal another secret—something about Merlin and sheep—but was interrupted by the arrival of none other than Uther Pendragon himself.

The king took one look at his son in the stocks and froze, his mouth gaping in disbelief. Arthur turned an alarming shade of white and desperately wracked his brain for something—_anything_—to say.

Gwaine, as usual, had no such problem. Glancing from Uther to Arthur, he smirked.

"Bet you wish you had that watermelon on your head _now_…"

* * *

><p><strong>Sooooooo... What'd you think? Am I a bit rusty? Or was it the same old Delea-goodness you know and tolerate? :P<strong>

**Yes, I do think Gwaine carries around a bag of rotten fruit at all times (just in case something like this ever happens). Yes, I do think Merlin probably told Gwaine about the whole Gwen thing (probably when they went to rescue Arthur on his quest for the Fisher King and they couldn't sleep because they were surrounded by pheasants). And yes, I DID have way too much fun writing the part where they're blurting out each other's secrets (Poor Arthur... With friends like these, who needs enemies, right? ;P And poor Percy got caught in the cross-fire, as well...).**

**Speaking of anachronism (Well, we weren't, actually, but I was thinking about it), did anyone else notice Gaius's glass reading-thingamajigger in the new season? Did the writers finally realize that glasses hadn't been invented yet? Are they making an effort to be more historically accurate? Does this mean the characters will no longer be able to eat tomatoes and watermelons?! What a shame...**

**I wonder what Gwaine was going to say about Merlin and sheep...**

**Because I'm a terrible person (feel free to deny it), I didn't respond to any of the reviews for the last chapter. I feel extremely guilty about that, so I just want to say thanks to **Cloud-Dee, Autumn Moon Fae, whitecrossgirl, Enchanted Worlds, Starkid191, Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley, merlinandfreyaFTW, 97 Diagon Alley, merlinisawesome, GracefulLikeAGazelle, Woooodlf, Motaku1235, MaraudersNumber1Fan, and DekaGale. ** You guys rock my socks, blues my shoes, and do other music-related things to my random inanimate possessions. ;P**

**Oh, and special thanks to **Yagami Byakuya** for being my 100th follower!**

**I have no idea when my next update will be (hopefully sooner than a month), but, until then: Smile, watch Merlin, and don't wear stocks with sandals! ;P**

**Hugs and Butterfly Kisses,**

**Your DeleaMarie**


	50. Wanna Know a Secret?

Hey, all, how's your fall? Been a bit, hasn't it? But never fear—Delea's here! Am I going to do this whole AN in rhyme? Umm... No. No, I'm not.

**Warning**: Extensive Author's Note to follow story. Proceed with caution.

**Description**: Merlin decides that it's time he told Arthur the truth.

**Disclaimer**: I didn't own Merlin a year ago. Nothing's changed since. :(

**Additional AN**: Takes place sometime after 1x02.

* * *

><p><strong>Wanna Know a Secret?<strong>

"Arthur, I have magic."

"You… You _what_?!"

"I have magic. I was born with it."

"Very funny, Merlin."

"No, it's true! I'm a sorcerer."

"But… But…"

"Now, look—I know this must be a terrible shock, and you're probably wondering if you'll ever be able to trust me again. But if you think about everything we've been through and everything I've done for you, I think you'll see that I mean you no harm."

"Merlin, we've known each other for five days!"

"Yes… What's your point?"

"What can you possibly have done to make me trust you in that little time?!"

"I saved your life, remember?"

"Yes, but-"

"And I told you about Valiant and the snakes."

"Yes, but-"

"_And_ I've washed every single piece of clothing you own."

"Yes, but… Wait a second—what does _that_ have to do with anything?"

"If I'd _really_ wanted to kill you, I could've just let you choke to death on the smell of your own dirty socks."

"_Merlin_… Just… Why are you telling me about this _now_? We barely even know each other!"

"Yes, but if I wait years and years to tell you, we'll become best friends, and then it will seem like an even _bigger_ betrayal of trust."

"But right now there isn't even a trust to _betray_! I don't know you well enough yet to be sure that you'll never try to kill me!"

"Ooh, you're right. I guess I never thought about it that way."

"…"

"It's kind of a no-win situation, then, isn't it?"

* * *

><p><strong>And that line right there pretty much sums up Merlin's entire magical dilemma.<strong>

**So, funny thing, guys: This story (which just so happens to be the big 5-0!) could actually be read as a set-up for my very first story (The original "Pin Is Mightier than the Sword"). Yep, we've come full-circle, folks! How exciting for my fiftieth!**

**Speaking of exciting, I have even BIGGER news. Not only is this the 50th story in this series, but today happens to be the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY STORY! Can you believe it?! One year ago today, I posted a simple little drabble about swords, sewing needles, and Merlin telling Arthur about his magic. Now, here I am, posting a story about socks, betrayal, and... Merlin telling Arthur about his magic. Look how far we've come! ;P**

**So. Because this fic represents such a momentous milestone, I'm going to ask something kind of big of you all (You see where I'm going with this, don't you? ;P). We are, at this point, 47 reviews shy of 500. Now, I know it's a lot, but do you think that maybe—just maybe, mind you—we could get there with this story? It would just be so incredibly amazing to reach 500 reviews on my 50th story on my one year anniversary! AND, just like last time I did a big push for reviews, I'm prepared to offer _incentive_.**

**1. If we reach five hundred reviews, I will make a Christmas neckscarf for my Merlin teddy bear.**

**2. I will do somersaults and star jumps from one end of my house to the other.**

**3. I shall raise a toast with my glass goblet to everyone who reviews.**

**4. I will offer a cash prize of one million Delea dollars to the 500th reviewer of my story (redeemable at any Delea Tree—Where Everything's a Delea or Less!).**

**5. I'll wear my Elven cloak to the midnight premiere of The Hobbit (and maybe I'll even throw in a Gollum impression or two... ;P).**

**6. I'll make sure my next update comes ultra-super-lightning-fast.**

**So, do I think we can make it? Er... I don't know—it's kind of a longshot. Then again, there's always a fool's hope, and I believe in every single one of you (There's your daily affirmation!). Look at it this way: Right now, I have over 100 people following my story. So if even HALF of you leave a comment, we'll have no problem getting there! Also, keep in mind that reviews don't have to be long or even for this chapter! Go back and review one of your past favorites, if you want! Celebrate one year and fifty stories with me! :)**

**Even if we don't make it, I want to send out a Percy-sized 'thank you' to each and every one of you for sticking with me this long. I know it was probably rough at times, but I can't even begin to tell you how much it's meant to me. You guys are seriously amazing!**

**Hugs and Butterfly Kisses,**

**Your Delea**

**P.S. Side note: I posted a new story called "Uncommon Knowledge" a few weeks ago. If you haven't already, feel free to go check that out! ;)**


	51. Freedom!

Hey, Merlinions! I promised you a quick update, didn't I? Even though, as you can see, we didn't _quite_ reach 500, we were really, really—almost _painfully_—close, so I think y'all deserve an update! :)

Oh, and you guys all know about this being the last season of Merlin, right? (Well, if not, you know it now!) Let me tell you, when I first found out, I started keening. _Keening_. As in, _wailing in grief_. I didn't even know people really DID that, but one moment, I'm staring at my computer screen, the next, these weird little howling noises are coming out of my mouth involuntarily. My friend actually came in to see if I was alright!

Anyway, on with the story!

**Description**: The Great Dragon is free at last! Tag to 2x12: The Fires of Irdlkjdgkhghssh (Or something like that! ;P).

**Disclaimer**: You can bet Merlin's pointy hat that if I owned the show, this would NOT be the last season!

**Dedication**: To you. Yes, you. No one else—just the one reading this right now. No, not you—YOU. Yep. Thanks for everything.

* * *

><p><strong>Freedom! Er… <strong>_**Sort of**_**…**

"Just… Just promise me that you won't attack Camelot if I set you free, alright?"

The Great Dragon raised his scaly eyebrows at the boy. "I think there have been _enough_ promises between us, don't you?"

Merlin bit his lip and sighed, knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop him. With one swing of his sword, the chain was broken, and the Great Dragon was free once again.

"At last!" Kilgharrah roared, spreading his wings and leaping into the air. "After years of torment, I can finally destroy Uther and his precious little Camelot! I will _burn_ the city to the ground! I will grind Uther's bones to make my bread! I will… I… er… I say—Merlin?"

"Yes?" Merlin replied warily, staring up at the dragon circling above him.

"You… er… You wouldn't happen to know the way out of here, would you?"

* * *

><p><strong>Am I the only one who thought of this when Kilgharrah was freed? I mean, he's locked away in a mountain under the city of Camelot! I really doubt there's a big, gaping exit hole!<strong>

**Anyway, I want to send out another HUMONGOUSLY GIGANTIC "thank you" to everyone who reviewed last chapter, and just to everyone who's stuck by this story in general! You guys are amazing, and even though we didn't make 500, we still got 37 reviews, which is waaaaaaaay more than I was expecting!**

**By the way, I'm still going to do the somersaults and star jumps and make a Christmas scarf for Merls Bear, just because you're awesome (And I kind of want to).**

**Thanks again for everything,**

**DeleaMarie**

To _skw_, _Guest_, _Dilila23_, _Bottled Sunshine_, _mischeifmanager_, _kitkat_, and _Skyheart_: Thank you so much for reviewing, as well. It meant so much to me to hear (read) all your comments and congratulations! You guys are awesome, and I'm so glad you've been enjoying my stories! :)

**P.S. I posted a new story yesterday that's kind of a Merlin take on the show "Supernatural." Just saying... ;P**


	52. The End

Hello, friends and fellow survivors! It's great to see you here (And not, you know, eaten by zombies or something...).

Sending out a "THANK YOU!" of epic proportions to _AloiseTrancy_ for being my 500th reviewer and to _mangaballetgirl_ for being my 100th favoriter! You guys are amazing and deserve pie (or pi, if you're a health nut).

Anywho, better get this show on the road before time runs out...

**Description**: It's (not quite) the end of the world as we know it...

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Merlin, I would have him use his magical wizardness to save us all.

**Additional AN**: Takes place sometime after 4x09, but no spoilers for the new season.

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>

"I just can't stand it, Merlin!" Arthur growled in frustration, running a hand through his hair.

"What's wrong, Sire?" Merlin asked cautiously. The king groaned.

"What's _right_ is a better question," he muttered. "Gwen's gone, Lancelot's gone, my father's dead, Morgana is plotting to kill me, a monster's attacking the lower town, I'm buried in paperwork, and now my dinner is cold!"

Merlin frowned. "Is that all?"

"Is that _all_?" Arthur repeated incredulously. "Merlin, it feels like it's the end of the world!"

"Don't be silly," Merlin replied. "I checked, and the end of the world isn't until 2012."

"Oh, that's a relief… Wait—you _what_?!"

Merlin smiled. "Nothing, Sire…"

* * *

><p><strong>Just a little drabble to wish you all a happy end of the world! Leave a comment to let me know you're still alive... ;P<strong>

**Yours till the End,**

**DeleaMarie**


	53. Sticks and Stones

Happy 2013, Merlinions! So... Broken any resolutions yet?

Hey, you guys—let's make a pact, okay? Or a NEW New Year's resolution (Forget the fact that it's _technically_ the sixth!). Let's resolve that, even though Merlin is over now, we will continue to read and write its fanfiction so that the legend lives on, alright? 'Cuz I'm going to keep writing (At this point, I don't even know if I could do anything else...), and I don't want to be left all alone. But you'll stick with me, right? Er... Right?

*crickets*

**Description: **Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words...

**Disclaimer: **If it turns out that the whole "series finale" thing was just one giant prank and they're secretly filming another season, you'll know that I really DO own Merlin (And that my letter made it to the North Pole!).

**Additional AN: **Tag to 4x13, but no real spoilers for anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Sticks and Stones<strong>

Arthur braced himself—his feet sliding into a defensive stance—as he turned to face his foe. After only a moment of hesitation, he took a deep breath, stepped forward, and started his attack.

"You're a pebble," he sneered, his voice as hard and unwavering as his gaze. "A tiny, insignificant piece of gravel.

"In fact," he continued as he began to circle the enemy, "I've dumped bigger things out of my boots! And now… well… Now, you're standing in my way, and I'm going to crush you into pavement, you hear me? I am going to walk _all_ over you! I–"

"Um, Arthur?"

The King paused and glanced up at the interruption, brow furrowing at the sight of his manservant.

"Yes, what is it, Merlin?" he asked impatiently.

"Nothing," the other man replied. "It's just that a few of your concerned subjects—myself included—were wondering why on _earth_ you're trash-talking _Excalibur_."

Arthur gave a longsuffering sigh at his manservant's ignorance. "I'm not talking to the sword, _Mer_lin. I'm talking to the _stone_."

"Alright, that may be," Merlin said, hands raised in a placating gesture. "But that still leads us back to my original question of _why_."

"I'm trying to break it."

"You're trying to break it," Merlin repeated disbelievingly. "With your words."

Arthur nodded enthusiastically. "I'm changing tactics—I tried a physical attack, and that didn't weaken it, so now I'm trying a psychological one."

Merlin raised his eyebrows. "A psychological attack… On a rock." Arthur grinned and leaned forward conspiratorially.

"Don't worry—it won't be long before it cracks!"

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><p><strong>"You rocks think you're SO smart."<strong>

**Ah, puns: Can't live with 'em... (But I keep forcing you to anyway!) And this story gave you all a two-for-pun special in that department! Oh, I feel so accomplished... ;P**

**Sorry if this is a bit too _cracky_ for you. I just realized how sensitive rocks are—one well-placed jab and they fall all to pieces! ;P Blame 3 a.m. plot bunnies...**

**Talk to you later! ROCK on! ;P (Yes, I do have a problem. Sticks and stones, people...)**

**-DeleaMarie**

**P.S. I know I'm probably opening a can of worms here, but... "What did you guys think of the finale?" *braces self for heavy fire and caps-locked comments***


	54. Sleeping with the Fishes

Guys, I did it! It only took a month and a half, but I finally got over my depression about the end of Merlin enough to actually make a joke about it! :)

Also, I want to apologize to all the people who reviewed the last chapter. I spent the entire month of January either sick or traveling (or both), and by the time I realized I _hadn't_ yet responded to your reviews, it was much to late to do so. So a great big "THANK YOU!" to **laytonloverdg**, _whitecrossgirl_, **GracefulLikeAGazelle**, _EnchantedWorlds_, **Januscars**, _cosmic-s-h-o-o-t-i-n-g-stars_, **Motaku1235**, _hanayou343_, **xPrincessoftheSkiesx**, _Merlinisawesome_, **Bottled Sunshine**, _Zida7_, **Book girl fan**, and _pingipenguin_ for your thoughtful words, encouragements, and rants about the finale! ;P

**Description: **If Gwaine doesn't shut up, Arthur is going to kill him... Or he would if they weren't both already dead.

**Disclaimer**: Never have. Never will. And thank you so much for bringing up _that_ painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it?

**Dedication**: To laytonloverdg, who gave me the prompt for this fic. Thanks bunches! :)

**Warning:** Tag to 5x13, so mentions of character deaths. Also, excessive idiom usage (If you see a figure of speech and don't know what it means, assume it's referencing death. ;P).

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><p><strong>Sleeping with the Fishes<strong>

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><p>"Rise and shine, your Royal <em>Die<em>-ness!"

Arthur jerked awake at the call, blinking heavily to try to clear the cobwebs from his mind. "W-what?" he spluttered once he'd caught a glimpse of the speaker. "Gwaine, what are _you_ doing here?"

"I drew the short straw."

"Huh?" was Arthur's ever-intelligent reply.

Gwaine smirked. "Or did you perhaps mean your question in a more metaphysical way? As in, 'Why was I put on this earth?' or, 'What is my purpose in life?'" He frowned thoughtfully. "Or 'death,' I suppose…"

Arthur's brow furrowed in confusion. "Gwaine…"

Finally, the other man took pity on him. "You're dead, Arthur," he said, demonstrating the tact for which the Knights of Camelot had always been famous. "You've kicked the bucket, pushed some daisies, and you're sleeping with the fishes now." He paused and glanced around. "Literally."

"Wait, what?!" Arthur cried, his eyes huge. "How can I be dead if I'm talking to you?"

"I'm dead too," Gwaine replied cheerfully. "Been so for a couple hours now, actually."

"No," Arthur said, shaking his head in denial. "No, this is some kind of elaborate joke you've set up—probably with Merlin's help." He scowled as a thought struck him. "Where is that useless manservant of mine, anyway?"

"Far as I'm aware, he's still topside. What's the last thing you remember before waking up here?"

Arthur bit his lip in concentration. "Merlin and I were flying on a dragon to the Lake of Avalon…" he murmured.

"You got to ride on a dragon?" Gwaine interrupted, pouting just a little bit. "I had to piggyback on Percy…"

Arthur glared at him before continuing. "I can't remember anything after that. Where am I now?"

"The Lake of Avalon."

"Oh, so we made it in time?"

"Er… Not _exactly_…" Gwaine replied. "But Merlin seems to have some kind of obsession with this place, so I guess he decided to leave you here anyway." He frowned, then muttered, "Not like Percy. I'm pretty sure _he_ just got tired of lugging me around and decided this looked like a nice place to dump a body."

"Wait," Arthur said, trying to keep up with Gwaine's ramblings. "You're saying that I'm _in_ the Lake of Avalon? That I'm really _dead_?"

Gwaine nodded and patted his shoulder sympathetically. "If it helps, you're in a wetter place now."

Arthur watched, dumbstruck, as a small group of fish swam by in the distance, before shaking himself out of his shock. "You said Merlin has some kind of obsession with this lake," he said slowly. "What did you mean by that?"

Gwaine shrugged. "Well, he dumped Lancey and his girlfriend here, so…"

"His _girlfriend_?! Since when does _Merlin_ have a _girlfriend_?"

The other man held up his hands to forestall the king's questions. "All she'll tell me is that it's 'complicated.'" He paused, then added with a wry grin, "Oh, and I'd be careful to stay on her good side—she's got a _beastly_ temper."

"Right," Arthur replied, forcing himself to focus on the problem at hand. "Well, not that this hasn't been fun, but I really need to get back to running my kingdom. So if you could just tell me how to get out of here…"

"No can do, your Ghostliness. Once you shuffle off this mortal coil, there's no putting it back on."

Arthur frowned. "But Lancelot–"

"_Lancelot_ was a special circumstance."

"And this isn't?" Arthur narrowed his eyes. "Gwaine, if you don't help me get out of here, I swear, I'll…"

"What?" Gwaine interrupted, raising his eyebrows. "You'll send me to my watery grave? Bit overkill, don't you think?"

Arthur ground his teeth in annoyance. "I _order_ you to show me the way out."

Gwaine snorted. "Really, Arthur? I barely listened to you when we were alive—what makes you think I will now that we're dead?"

"Because I'm the king!"

"Yes, and I'm a nobleman who turned into a peasant who turned into a nobleman who turned into a corpse." Gwaine grinned. "Titles don't matter much down here, mate."

"Oh, what would you know? It's not as if you've been fish food much longer than I have."

"True," the knight agreed. "But I _do_ know that you have no power down here. Without your army to back you up, what's to stop one of us from declaring ourselves ruler instead?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "I could take any one of you."

"Yeah? Tell that to Little Miss Waterbender over there…"

At that, Arthur whirled around, coming face to face with a young woman—a young woman _very much_ out of his manservant's league, in his opinion.

The woman smiled at him, though Arthur could've sworn he saw a feral gleam in her eyes. "Is there a problem here?" she cooed pleasantly.

"He's trying to leave," Gwaine tattled, shooting Arthur a smug look. Arthur resisted the urge to stick out his tongue.

Hearing this, the woman's smile turned understanding. "I know it's not easy," she said softly. "I still remember the day I first woke up dead—I spent nearly an hour trying to hold my breath before realizing that I didn't have a breath to hold. But it's not so bad," she continued. "And you have friends down here."

"But what about my friends up there? What about Gwen? And Merlin and Gaius and my _kingdom_, for heaven's sake?"

"I know it's hard to hear," the woman murmured, "but your friends will manage without you. Besides," she added, brightening slightly, "when Camelot's need is greatest, you'll be allowed to return to her."

"But when will that be?" Arthur asked impatiently.

"Oh, not for awhile, I'm afraid. But someday."

"Guess you're stuck with us for now, then," Gwaine said with a smirk, throwing an arm over Arthur's shoulders. "Till life do us part?"

Arthur rolled his eyes toward the surface of the lake. "Kill me now."

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><p><strong>It's the anachronism that makes it believable. ;P<strong>

**This fic was basically me trying to stuff as many puns, out-of-place references, and death-related/water-related expressions into one story as I possibly could. I'm quite happy with the result, and I hope you are too! :)**

**Oh, and Hipster!Gwaine—quoting Shakespeare and The Godfather before they were cool (or invented! ;P).**

**If you liked it, I might write some more stories in this 'verse. Arthur and Gwaine are, of course, the squabbling children who get into trouble. Freya is the no-nonsense mother who, nonetheless, looks out for her children (I think that, since she no longer turns into a monster at night, she now has a lot of pent-up aggression that manifests itself in a fiery temper.). And Lancey is the longsuffering father-figure.**

**Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you thought! :)**

**DeleaMarie**

**P.S. I also published a Merlin one-shot a bit ago called, "Three Little Words," that focuses on the different ways the main characters of Merlin show that they care. Feel free to check it out! ;D**


	55. The Dragon Is IN

Heeeeeeeey! Before you say anything, I know it's been awhile. Like, two-and-a-half months. I have absolutely no excuse for this, and I feel terrible. That being said, I feel like I've finally gotten my Merlin Muse back, so it shouldn't be anywhere _near_ as long before the next update! :D

**Description**: Merlin needs to talk about his issues—who does he go to?

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Merlin, I probably wouldn't poke fun at it _nearly_ as much as I do! ;P

**Additional AN**: This story takes place near the end of season two but contains spoilers for season three. Yes, that makes perfect sense (any arguments otherwise are invalid!).

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><p><strong>The Dragon Is IN<strong>

"…So that's why I'm no longer allowed to wear neckerchiefs when Sir Roland visits." Merlin finished with a sigh, fingering his current scarf sadly.

Kilgharrah blinked, shaking himself out of his doze in time to catch the man's last statement. He cleared his throat sheepishly. "And… er… How does that make you _feel_, young warlock?"

Merlin frowned. "Kind of sad, I guess. I mean, I've never really been without it before…"

The Great Dragon nodded sagely. "Some separation anxiety is to be expected, of course."

"What? 'Separation anxiety'?" Merlin scoffed. "Please—this is _not_ that big of a deal!"

"It's perfectly normal," Kilgharrah assured him. "Although, admittedly, your level of codependence is a _bit_–"

"_Codependence_?! I'll have you know, I can quit wearing it whenever I want!" Merlin huffed, crossing his arms and scowling at the dragon.

Kilgharrah cocked his head disbelievingly. "Prove it."

"N-now?" Merlin gulped, his hand flying up to his neck. "It's just… I mean, it's kind of drafty down here… Maybe I should leave it on—you know, for health reasons?" He coughed pitifully into his hand before glancing up to see if Kilgharrah was buying it.

"Nice try, young warlock."

He wasn't.

"Fine, I'll admit it! Maybe I am a _little_ overly fond of my neckerchiefs," Merlin conceded.

"Good, good—admitting it is the first step," Kilgharrah encouraged. "Perhaps it would help if we discussed _where_, exactly, this attachment came from?"

Merlin nodded thoughtfully. "I think it all began when I was about seven years old," he began, making himself comfortable. "You see, I'd always been self-conscious about my neck—it's not _that_ much longer than normal, is it?—but on one warm summer's day in Ealdor–"

At that moment, however, a voice called out from the tunnel, cutting through Merlin's ramblings.

"Kilgharrah! I'm here to talk about my daddy issues and bouts of uncontrollable smirking!"

Merlin gaped at the dragon in shock, while Kilgharrah merely scowled.

"Looks like my three o'clock is here early…"

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><p><strong>AN: Oh, you can't tell me that Kilgharrah doesn't feel like a psychiatrist at times! And OBVIOUSLY Merlin isn't the only one who has sessions with him—why do you think Uther keeps him chained up down there? It isn't to send a message to the magical world; it's so the king can talk about his issues<strong>**!**

**Okay, because I feel super guilty about taking so long to update, I'm including an extra-special bonus-y thing: a copy of Kilgharrah's list of diagnoses for the main characters of Merlin!**

**Surprise! :)**

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><p><strong>Dr. Agon's Diagnoses<strong>

MERLIN: Neckerchief Codependence, Chronic Clumsiness, and General Mental Afflictions

MORGANA: Daddy Issues and Bouts of Uncontrollable Smirking

GAIUS: Incessant Rambling and Pathological Need to Explain Everything

GWEN: Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome

ARTHUR: Possible Brain Damage Due to Repeated Head Injuries

UTHER: Extreme Paranoia, Obliviousness, and Some Signs of Early-Onset Baldness

KILGHARRAH: Gives Conflicting Advice about Camelot, Both Wanting to Save It and Destroy It—Possible Mood Swings and/or Multiple Personality Disorder

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><p><strong>"<strong>**And at the very end, I'm gonna put 'Dr. Agon' across the screen, take that period, get it outta there, squish it together—it'll say 'Dragon.'"**

**In case you were wondering, yes, Dr. Agon IS best friends with Dr. Acula. They go to all the cool Monster Mashes together. ;P**

**And, ah, Gwen... Remember when she used to be all adorable and say something wrong and then correct herself about fifty times? Yeah...**

**Well? *bites lip nervously* What did you think? Funny? A little rusty? I'd love to hear from you either way—it's been FAR too long! :)**

**P.S. In case you hadn't noticed, I will point out that we are a mere TEN reviews shy of 600... I'm not hinting anything, just thought it was an interesting fact. ;P**

**P.P.S. During the two month break since I last updated this, I DID post an angsty little oneshot about the finale, if you, y'know, want to check that out... I also updated my "Uncommon Knowledge" fic today! :)**

**TOODLES!**


	56. Don't Blink

Sooooo... In the past, I've joked about whether or not you guys still remember me after I've gone awhile without updating. But now I seriously have to ask: DO you guys still remember me? :s If not, you're welcome to visit my page or peruse my stories for a refresher! ;P

As of tomorrow, it will have been six months since I last posted a story on here (Much too long—I feel _terrible_!), and frankly, I have no excuse (Except for "Life," which is kind of like a get-out-of-jail-free card, in my opinion. ;P). I'll also cite "lack of inspiration," since _ohmygoodness_, I haven't been able to get myself in a Merlin-mood since the show ended! But now I've (FINALLY!) finished a story, and I have some ideas for a few more, so (fingers crossed) I may be updating a bit more frequently after this.

Ah, but you didn't click on the button just to hear me ramble on (Or maybe you did—I try to amuse...), so without further ado, here's the story:

**Description**: Don't blink. Blink and you're dead.

**Disclaimer**: If I _did_ own Merlin, would you love me for starting the show or hate me for ending it? Just something to think about...

**Dedication**: To anyone still reading this. If you're out there, you have my undying gratitude.

**Additional AN**: Takes place sometime during Season Three, so if you haven't gotten there yet... you're way behind. Oh! Also, I don't own Doctor Who (just in case you were wondering), which is where the title and the description came from.

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><p><strong>Don't Blink<strong>

"Are you okay?"

Morgana frowned at the unexpected question, turning towards her half-sister while still keeping her gaze locked on the soldiers currently attacking Camelot. "What do you mean?"

Morgause shrugged. "Nothing… It's just that you haven't _blinked_ in the past hour—ever since we first laid siege."

"I _can't_ blink," Morgana stated seriously. "I have to keep my eyes on our army at all times. Otherwise, we'll just be defeated again."

"That's ridiculous!" the other witch laughed. "Why on earth would _that_ make a diff–"

She was interrupted by a frantic clanging sound as the castle's warning bell was rung, followed by a loud cry from Cenred's men:

"_Camelot has fallen! We have victory!"_

Morgause whirled around to face her sister, her mouth gaping in shock. "Our plan _worked_?! They never work! How did you _do_ that?!"

Morgana merely patted her half-sister's shoulder. "You know what they say," she replied with a smirk. "_A watched plot is never foiled_."

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><p><strong>*nervously biting nails, waiting for feedback*<strong>

**So I'm almost afraid to ask, but... Did you like it? Did it make you chuckle or smile a bit (or even roll your eyes in fond exasperation)? Is it the same level of humor you've (maybe) come to expect from this collection of stories? Are you still just trying to remember who I am? (Hint: I'm that one author whose ANs are always longer than her actual stories...)**

**Speaking of reviews (What's that? We weren't? Well, we are now...), over the course of the last chapter (and the six interim months), we reached 600 reviews, and I just want to send out a hugely-ginormous THANK YOU to everyone who thinks (or at least _thought_) that this story is still worth their time. You all are awesome. Remember that.**

**Oh, and if I didn't reply to your review, I am _extremely_ sorry. All of your comments simultaneously encouraged and heaped great tons of guilt upon my head, sooooo... Yeah. This story probably never would've happened if it weren't for you.**

**It's probably expecting too much to ask for reviews, given that this is sort of an I'm-sorry present for taking so long to update, but all the same... Review? *hopeful smile* I know it doesn't seem like it, but your comments really DO inspire me to write, and I always enjoy hearing from you.**

**Soooo... Requests? Recriminations? Rants? Raves? Whatever you've got, I'll take it! :)**

**Until next time!**

**P.S. Also, I apologize to anyone who read the title and description and thought that this story would feature The Angels. Maybe some other time...**


	57. My Mother's Brothers' Keeper

What's this? I'm back? Impossible! After all, it's only been a little over a week since I last updated...

What can I say? You guys inspire me... :)

**Description**: Arthur's got another uncle in town. Surely THIS one can't be evil too, though, right?

**Disclaimer**: No-o-o-o-o! *breaks into uncontrollable sobs*

**Warnings**: Takes place sometime in Series 5 (so spoilers through 4x13).

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><p><strong>My Mother's Brothers' Keeper<strong>

"Let me get this straight," Merlin said with a frown, pacing back and forth. "Your uncle we'd never heard of, Tristan de Bois, came back from the dead to kill your father, right?"

Arthur nodded. "You're correct."

"And then _another_ uncle we didn't know existed, Agravaine, showed up and started plotting behind your back, right?" the manservant continued.

"That is the truth."

"So then, tell me _why_—in the name of all the spam in Camelot—you let _him_ into the castle!" Merlin exploded, coming to a stop and pointing to the man sitting in a chair before them. "Didn't you think _another mysterious uncle_ appearing out of the blue was, I don't know, just a wee bit _suspicious_?!"

Arthur snorted. "Give me little more credit than that, _Mer_lin. Of course I asked him if he was planning on betraying me! But he said he wasn't, and, frankly, I'm inclined to believe him."

Merlin stared at him incredulously for a few seconds before dropping his face into his hands with a groan. Arthur pursed his lips.

"_Really_, Merlin—you've got to work on not judging people before you know them!"

THREE WEEKS LATER…

"Arthur?"

"Yes, Uncle?" Arthur replied, looking up from the map he'd been studying.

"I just wanted to thank you," the other man said. "I know it looked suspicious that I was one of only three people who knew about that secret entrance to Camelot used by those sorcerers yesterday… But I'm glad you believed me when I said that that random guard must've overheard us talking about it and told Morgana."

"Of course," Arthur said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "After all, what is family for if not blind faith?"

TWO MONTHS LATER…

"Hey, Uncle—Merlin just told me that he saw you meeting with Morgana in the woods yesterday. Is this true?"

"Oh, Sire," the older man chuckled. "Has Merlin been on the cider again? I was just meeting up with a friend of mine who happens to live in the same part of the forest as your evil half-sister!"

"Good to know! Thanks for clearing that up…"

"Anytime, Sire."

ONE YEAR LATER…

"_Now_ do you believe me?" Merlin asked indignantly as he and Arthur were shoved into a cell.

"This doesn't prove anything," Arthur replied, struggling against his bonds. "My uncle could simply be working as a double agent, waiting for the right moment to turn on Morgana and set us free!"

"Actually," came a voice from outside their cage, "I've been in an alliance with Morgana this whole time, and you were just too dense to see it."

"_Noooo_!" Arthur shouted, falling to his knees. "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

His uncle laughed evilly before stalking out of the dungeons.

"Great," Merlin sighed once he was out of sight. "You've finally seen him for who he really is. Now can we _please_ work on putting a stop to him?"

"Nonsense!" Arthur said with a smirk, jumping to his feet. "He obviously only said that because he was being watched! I'm sure he'll have us out of here in no time…"

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><p><strong>It was at that point that Merlin finally gave in and killed Arthur, and everyone in Camelot felt he was justified.<strong>

**The End.**

**Soooo...? What'd you think? :) I decided it'd been far too long—ten whole chapters!—since I last wrote a story on Oblivious!Arthur, so it was high time I threw another one in here. After all, he's one of my favorite things to write about! And he definitely seems to have a blind spot as far as murderous family members are concerned...**

**Oh, and I didn't mention it in the story, but the uncle's name is Yukintrusmy. Because subliminal messaging. ;P**

**By the way, if anyone can tell me the references used in my story, I will send you a virtual shrubbery (a nice one that's not too expensive). Shiny, right? ;P**

**Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought! :)**

**P.S. I updated another one of my Merlin fics (Uncommon Knowledge). If you haven't yet, feel free to check it out! :)**


	58. Coming Clean

Hello again, my darling readers! Hope you're all having a wonderful Wednesday...

**Description**: Merlin's got some things to get off his chest.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Merlin, so this is just a made-up scene from the obsessed mind of a fangirl (But admit it—you can see this happening... ;P).

**Warning**: I should probably mention that this is AU. However, what with the way the show ended, _most_ of the stories in this series are going to end up being AU, so... just be aware of that from now on, I suppose, so I won't have to put it in all my descriptions (Yes, I know, I know—I'm a lazy author...).

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><p><strong>Coming Clean<strong>

"Arthur, I have to tell you something," Merlin said, meeting the king's gaze nervously.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I used your new shield to kill a spider."

"You did _what_?" Arthur asked, outraged.

"I also washed your clothes with dishwater because I didn't want to walk all the way down to the well," Merlin continued.

"Merlin-" Arthur began, but the other man interrupted him.

"I kissed Gwen, too."

"You _WHAT_?! I swear, Merlin—I am going to _kill_ you!"

"Yes, I'm sure you will," the servant replied. "But before you do, I have one more thing I need to tell you."

Arthur sighed angrily. "And what's that?"

"I have magic."

The king stared at him in shock, completely speechless. Merlin smirked.

"That other stuff doesn't seem so bad now, does it?"

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><p><strong>Obviously, THIS is the way to do it. Man, Merlin, you could've gotten away with so much stuff...<strong>

**Anyway, that's all from me (It's probably not true, but I feel like my ANs are getting less chatty. Maybe I'm mellowing in my old age... ;P). Hope you liked it, and feel free to tell me so! ;D**


	59. Arthur's New Clothes

A drabble-and-a-half to make you smile (because I appear to be incapable of writing stories that are _exactly_ 100 words lately...).

**Description**: The king has some new clothes...

**Disclaimer**: I don't own it anymore than I own a dog, a house, or a successful chain of muffin stores.

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><p><strong>Arthur's New Clothes<strong>

"Are you _sure_ this is the best idea, Sire?"

"Of course I'm sure, Merlin!" came Arthur's voice from behind the partition. "After all, the man _is_ an expert."

"But really, Arthur—clothes that can only be seen by people who are intelligent? I mean, doesn't that seem a little…" Merlin trailed off as the king stepped out of the changing area.

"Uh, Arthur?" he said hesitantly. "I thought you were getting undressed…"

Arthur glanced down at his fully-clothed body and then frowned up at his manservant. "Well, _obviously_ I'm going to wear something _under_ my new clothes! They can only be seen by the wise—I don't want stupid people to see me naked! _Really_, Merlin," he scoffed, "I'm not a complete _idiot_." He rolled his eyes before turning to the tailor standing in the corner of the room.

"Now, how much did you want for the magical clothing again?"

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><p><strong>Really, Merlin, he's not a <em>complete<em> idiot!**

**For the record (though it might not seem like it in my stories), I don't think Arthur is stupid. Just... gullible. In an endearingly innocent sort of way. ;P**

**Anyway, please review! :D**


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